Bar Trek

by Todd Alan Bobenrieth and Tom Cusick

Fade into the all too familiar starfield that seems to be in every sector. The USS Enterprise comes into view and the Captain logs his first entry.

Picard voice:

Captain's Log Stardate 5193.5. I have just arrived aboard this new Galaxy Class starship and am preparing to meet my new crew. From what my old friend, the late Tasha Yar told me, I am in for a big treat.

Cut to the bridge where we see Data endlessly chattering to Geordi in the foreground, behind them to the left is Councillor Troi, who is chain smoking. Commander Riker is sitting in the captain's chair, looking in a mirror and fixing his hair.

Riker:

So, today we finally meet our new captain.

Geordi:

I've heard he is very dignified.

Data:

Well, ah, Geordi. You know that the, ah, Captain graduated from Starfleet Academy with a 3.987582 average. That is precisely, ah, .192748 higher than the legendary Captain Kirk.

Riker:

Mr. Data. I suggest for your sake that you round off your numbers when the captain asks for them.

Data:

Aye, sir.

Troi:

Jean-Luc Picard, what the hell kind of name is that, anyway?

Data:

It is from an obscure language known as, ah, French.

Picard voice:

I beg your pardon?

Data:

(speaking really loud) I said, ITS FROM AN OBSCURE LANGUAGE KNOWN AS FRENCH!!!

Picard:

Thank you, Mr ... Data is it?

Data:

That is correct. It is the name given to me by Dr. Noonian Soong. It comes from the, ah, Greek word Datum, which means ...

Picard:

Dammit, I know what it means!

Data is startled and quickly turns back to his control panel and pretends to be concentrating on it.

Picard:

I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Everyone:

Ewwwww!

Picard:

And I will be your commanding officer. As Lt. Yar probably told you ...

Riker:

... before she died ...

Picard:

... Yes, before she died ...

Riker smirks.

Picard:

As I am sure she told you, I am a very expectant man.

Geordi:

I didn't even know you were married.

Picard:

(Losing his patience) Listen ... I'll be in my ready room.

Picard stalks away to his ready room.

Geordi:

Does he seem a bit ... out of it to you?

Riker:

Maybe a bit high strung ...

Data:

Could be sunspots.  

Worf suddenly walks in from the turbolift with a mug of Romulan Ale.

Worf:

Afternoon, everybody.

Crew:

WORF!

Worf:

Hi, guys.

Geordi:

What's goin' down, Worf?

Worf:

The rest of this Romulan Ale. (Guzzles it)

Picard comes out of his ready room and notices Worf for the first time.

Picard:

A KLINGON!!!!

Picard reaches for his phaser.

Riker:

No, captain, he is one of the crew members.

Picard:

(Looking at everyone) I knew that. I just wanted to test his reflexes.

Riker:

Sure, Captain.

Picard returns to his chair and sits down. He looks over at Riker.

Picard:

I take it you are Commander Riker.

Riker:

You got it.

Picard:

(Looks up to Data) And I know you, Mr. Data.

Data:

But did you know that the Klingon Targ has a life span of approximately ...

Picard:

Enough, Data ...

Data:

Aye, Captain.

Picard:

And you must be Geordi LaForge.

Geordi:

Ok, then I will be.

Picard just sits there staring at Geordi, stunned. Picard looks to his left and sees Troi opening up another pack of cigarettes.

Picard:

Councillor Troi?

Troi jumps to her feet.

Troi:

Yes, sir ... thank you, hon ... ahh ... sir.

Picard puts his head down in his hands then looks back at Worf.

Picard:

So, what is your name and position?

Worf:

My name is Worf and I'm leaning against the railing, facing forward.

Picard:

Well, I'm sure I will get a chance to meet the rest of the crew in later episodes. Anyway, what is our heading, Mr LaForge?

Geordi:

I'm not sure, this console doesn't seem to be working.

Picard gets up, straightens his shirt and walks up to the console and switches it on.

Geordi:

Ohhhhhhhh ... thanks, Captain.

Picard:

(Sits down) Now, what is our current heading?

Geordi:

Heading 321 Mark 1.

Picard:

We are heading toward the Romulan Neutral Zone. Why are we going there?

Data:

If I may surmise, captain ... ?

Picard:

If you can do it in 10 words or less.

Data thinks to himself as his pupils go back and forth.

Data:

We ... are ... computer ... locked ... and ... heading ... to ... the ... Neutral ... Zone.

Picard glares at him.

Picard:

Number Twelve [I think that was Sam's Uniform Number], why is the computer locked?

Riker:

There has been a wave of crime aboard ships lately sir. (Looks around, trying to find his mirror).

Picard:

Oh.

Worf:

Captain, we are slowing down ... we are stopped. Guess that means that I have time to get more Ale.

He turns around and pulls on the tap coming out of the engineering console.

On the viewscreen, a cage appears around the ship. A bright light flashes beside Worf and Q appears.

Q:

Hello, people. I just wanted you to know that you are going to the Neutral Zone.

Riker:

Thanks for the hot tip.

Q:

Well well well, what have we here. A wise guy?

Troi:

Oh, you're way off.

Riker blows a kiss towards Troi.

Troi:

Never in a million parsecs, Will.

Troi leaves the bridge and gets her dress caught in the turbolift.

Picard:

Who are you and what do you want with my ship?

Q:

Why, my name is Q of the famous Q Continuum. And as for your second question, you are going to meet with an old friend of yours. I have already seen to that.

Riker:

Well, maybe we don't want to go there.

Q:

Oh, pity. Well, you are going anyway. Does anyone know what time it is?

Data:

It is precisely ...

Crew:

Shut up, Data. [Had to put it in somewhere since Wes is gone]

Q vanishes and Picard scratches his forehead.

Picard:

Opinions, anyone?

Geordi:

You could get a hair transplant.

Picard:

Now from someone with a somewhat higher intelligence.

Riker:

Hmmmmm ... Data?

Data:

No idea, Commander.

Troi walks back in from the turbolift. She obviously couldn't get it to work. She sits back down beside Picard.

Picard:

Councillor?

Troi is applying lipstick and as she turns to look at Picard it makes a line along her cheek.

Troi:

I sense great monetary value.

Picard:

Are you saying he is rich?

Riker:

She probably means my car down in shuttlebay 3.

Troi sticks her tongue out at Will. He starts to get up to move toward her but Picard stops him.

Worf:

I think we should call it a day and head down to Ten Forward.

Picard:

Well go ahead, you are relatively useless to me up here anyway.

Worf:

Thank you, sir. Oh, and sir ... if you see my pet Targ ... be nice to him.

Worf goes over to the coat rack and puts on his coat, then exits through the turbolift.

Picard:

What the blazes is a Targ?

Riker:

Its a ...

Data:

I think I can handle this one, Willie ...

Riker sneers at Data.

Data:

Captain, a Targ is a Klingon animal that closely resembles an Earth boar except it has a large horn on its nose and its back is lined with sharp points. If you would like, I could, ah ... tell you the complete history of the Targ as it relates to Cultural Events on the Klingon Homeworld.

Picard:

No, that will be unnecessary ...

Data:

It's no problem, Johnny. Klingons have a vast history of ...

Picard:

Damn you ... shut up, please!

Data:

Hey, no problem, Captain, sir.

Crusher voice:

Captain Picard?

Picard:

Beverly?

Crusher:

Yes, it's Beverly Crusher.

Picard:

Beverly, I've so missed you. It's been over a fortnight since we last gazed into each others eyes.

At this point the crew is dozing off, with the exception of Riker, who is moving closer to Troi.

Crusher:

Jean-Luc, since we had parted I just wanted to tell you something so desperately. You have a son.

Picard stands up and looks out into the blackness of space.

Picard:

But, I thought you had married Jack Crusher.

Crusher:

Well, obviously. Thus the name Beverly CRUSHER!

Riker sits on the armrest of Troi's chair and slowly puts his arm around her.

Picard:

Now, Beverly ... ah ... Doctor Crusher ... let's not get in-depth with the crew listening in.

Picard glances around the room to see that everyone is sleeping except for Riker, who is looking down the front of Troi's uniform.

Picard:

(Whispers) I'll be right down.

Picard tiptoes off the bridge and into the turbolift. Riker is slapped just as the doors close.

Cut to Ten Forward where Worf is drinking down the last of his mug of beer.

Guinan:

What, you gonna have another or sit there like a lump.

Worf:

I think I'll sit here like a lump and have another.

Guinan retreats into the back room just as Data sits down beside Worf.

Data:

Say, Worfy ... what is new with you?

Worf:

My bar tab has reached Warp Ten.

Data orders a glass of beer and when it arrives, he picks it up and looks at Worf.

Data:

Hey, Worfy, did you know that, ah, beer was originally used as an ointment on, ah, Malkotia?

Worf:

Golly, Data ... I never knew that.

Data:

Yeah, well, only us androids are privileged with such information.

Worf raises his leg closest to Data and farts. Data loses his balance and falls on the floor.

Cut to Sick Bay where Crusher is twiddling her thumbs waiting for Picard to arrive. The doors open and Picard enters.

Crusher:

Well, Jean-Luc, once again we see that your punctuality is equalled only by your charm.

Picard:

And you, doctor, are as always pleasing to hear as well as see.

Crusher:

I suppose you are wondering why I said you had a son.

Picard:

Gee, Beverly, the thought would never have crossed my mind had you not brought it up.

Crusher:

Then again you were never one for massive thought processes.

Crusher and Picard suddenly fall into each others arms and onto the floor.

Cut to the Holodeck. Riker is standing outside.

Riker:

Computer ... pattern Riker 1 ...

Computer:

Pattern Riker 1 now complete, you may enter when ready.

The doors slide open to reveal a luxurious bedroom. Riker steps in and the doors close behind him.

Riker:

Computer, create image of Deanna Troi ... dressed in sleazy clothes.

A holographic image of Troi appears, dressed in a French Maid outfit.

Riker:

Well, Deanna, it looks as though you decided to take me up on my offer.

Troi:

Of course, Will. You know you are the only man for me.

Riker takes her into his arms.

Riker:

How did I know she'd say that?

Cut to Ten Forward where Data is just getting back up off the floor.

Guinan:

Bout time you get back up ... customers had to step over you to get to the bar.

Data:

I'm, ah, sorry about that, Guiny. That was the first time I ever fell down. It is sort of a new thing for me.

Picard voice:

Mr Data, report to the bridge, immediately.

The klaxons start wailing away. We cut to the bridge where the crew is looking at the viewscreen as Data comes in from the turbolift.

Data:

Evening, everyone.

Crew:

Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Worf comes in from the turbolift.

Crew:

Worf!!!

Worf:

Howdy.

Geordi:

What took so long?

Worf:

The creation of the universe, no doubt.

Picard:

Silence, everyone. We seem to have some guests in our journey.

Data and Worf glance up at the viewscreen to see a Ferengi vessel, which is on the starboard bow.

Worf:

Khhesting Ferengi.

Data:

Captain, that is a Ferengi ship.

Picard throws a log book at Data.

Picard:

I know what it is, Mr. Data.

Data:

But did you know that ...

Crew:

SHUT UP!!!!!

Data turns his stare to the floor as he sits down at ops.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, open a hailing frequency to the ship.

Worf:

Hailing frequency open, sir.

Picard:

This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise.

Daimon Bach voice:

Ewwwwwwwww.

Picard:

Why are you following us?

Bach:

Why should I tell you, hu-mon?

Picard:

There might be a little money in it for you.

Daimon Bach's image appears on the viewscreen.

Bach:

What kind of revenue are we referring to here? Denebian Coinage? Earth Capitol? Klingon Aphrodisiac?

Picard:

Well, how does a ten Earth dollars sound?

Bach:

WHAT?!!!!!

Data:

He said, HOW DOES TEN EARTH DOLLARS SOUND??????!!!!!!

Bach covers his ears and screams.

Bach:

I heard what he said, I just don't believe he would make such a petty offer. In fact, I wish to buy your ship. How much do you want for your ... En-ter-prise?

Riker:

Daimon, I can tell you are a Ferengi of great power and influence ... can I have it if you buy it?

Picard:

RIKER?!

Bach:

Ahhhh, a little rivalry among your multitudes ... I see.

Picard:

Will, I'm going to make you tend the bar again if you don't wise up.

Riker slouches in his chair and folds his arms.

Bach:

Well, Pee-card Captain, how does my offer sound?

Picard:

Unacceptable ... this is a Federation starship, it cannot be bought.

Riker:

How much would you give us for Councillor Troi here. (Gestures to her)

Troi gets a shocked look on her face.

Bach:

Your councillor is quite pleasant to look at. I will give you 500 credits.

Riker:

Captain, we could get that Nintendo Super Special System we have been wanting.

Troi almost bursts in anger.

Picard:

(Pauses to consider) Ahhhhhh. No, we cannot sell Deanna.

Troi:

Thank you, sweetheart ... ahhh ... Captain.

Riker smirks.

Bach:

I am going to be straight with you, hu-mon. It seems that I have been caught in some sort of tractor beam and I cannot seem to get free. I need your help.

Riker:

Hey ... guess what!!!

Picard starts slapping him about the head and shoulders.

Bach:

So, you are caught in it too.

Picard:

I never said that ... oh, what's the use ... yes, we are caught in it as well.

Bach:

Perhaps if some revenue were involved, we could ... strike a bargain.

Picard:

Hey, we don't have any other women important enough to give to you ...  

Now we have a flashback scene ...

Crusher:

Well, Jean-Luc, once again we see that your punctuality is equalled only by your charm.

Crusher:

Then again you were never one for massive thought processes.

We come back to live action.

Picard:

You know, Daimon ... we just might have something for you.

Bach:

Ohhhhh? 

We cut down to Sick Bay where Lillith is sporting a new, awful hair style.

Picard:

Beverly, I was ... (Gazes in horror)

Crusher:

How do you like my hair, dearest?

Picard:

It's ... (suppresses laughter) different.

Crusher:

But do you like it?

Picard:

Umm ... (snorts) Yes ...

Crusher:

Good. I intend to wear this new look for at least three episodes ...

Picard:

Ummmm ... splendid ... (points behind Beverly) What's that machine doing?

Crusher looks behind her. Picard starts silently laughing to himself.

Crusher:

That, my dear, is a Neutronic Polar Isolinear Flip Flop Override Device ... it calculates the brain frequencies of patients who don't like having that enormous bowl put over their heads.

Picard stops laughing and straightens up just as Crusher turns back to him.

Picard:

I came down here to ask you if you would do me a favour, Beverly.

Crusher:

I suppose anything for my love mate.

Picard:

Thank you, kitten. I need you to beam over to the Ferengi ship. There are ... casualties that they are unequipped to deal with.

Crusher:

I will grudgingly accept this meagre task in an innane hope that I can serve you, Jean-Luc.

Picard:

Good ... be prepared to beam over immediately. Meet me in transporter room three.

Crusher:

Yes, my love. I shall not disappoint thee.

Crusher walks out and Picard falls to the floor in hysterics.

Cut to Main Bridge where Riker is pulling Troi's hair.

Troi:

Cut it out, Will. That's not very funny.

Riker:

I tell you, there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your head ... I have to get it out.

Data:

Hey, ah, Willie, I did not see a multi-legged ...

Riker throws his phaser at Data, who ducks and hits his head on the control board.

Geordi:

I wonder what's taking the Captain so long.

Worf:

Yeah, this tap is running out.

Worf fills his mug again and quickly drinks it down.

Picard:

I am back.

The crew boos and hisses him.

Picard:

Thank you, my faithful and loyal crew.

Bach:

Well, hu-mon. I am waiting.

Picard:

We are preparing for her to beam over right now.

Bach:

Very good, Pee-card Captain, beam her directly to the bridge.

Picard:

As you wish, Daimon ... ?

Bach:

Bach!

Riker:

Balk? There isn't even anyone on base!!!

Geordi:

I didn't even know there was a game on.

Geordi punches in a code and the viewscreen shifts to an overhead view of Fenway where the Red Sox are playing the Yankees.

Picard:

Put that back.

Riker:

Wait, I want to see who is winning.

Picard:

NOW!!!

Geordi returns the viewscreen to a view of Bach, who is sifting through his credit cards.

Picard:

Bach!

Computer:

You got it, Captain, sir.

A selection from Bach plays over the intercom.

Picard:

Computer, stop playing that damn music.

Data:

Well, you know, Johnny ... Bach was originally from ...

Worf phasers Data, who falls on the floor.

Picard:

Thank you, Mr. Worf.

Worf belches in acknowledgement.

Bach:

Are you prepared to send us your gift?

Picard:

One moment, Daimon Bach ... Beverly, are you ready to beam over?

Crusher voice:

Yes, Captain. I have completed my survival pack.

Picard:

Good ... beam over on my mark. Bach, here she comes ... energise.

Crusher materialises aboard the Ferengi bridge off viewscreen. Bach looks at her and screeches in shock.

Bach:

What kind of trick is this???!!!!

Picard:

That is your gift, Daimon Bach ... I hope you enjoy her.

Crusher:

What do you mean GIFT, Jean-Luc? Get me off this infernal ship. I want to come back to your loving arms and give you the bounty of my lust.

Bach:

You will pay for this, Pee-card!!!

Suddenly the viewer switches to an external shot of the Ferengi ship warping away.

Riker:

Hey, how did they do that?

Picard:

Number Twelve, you have been out here for this long and you don't even know about warp drive?

Riker:

Yes, big guy, but they were in the same tractor beam as us ...

Picard:

Oh, yeah ... Mr. LaForge ... where are we?

Geordi:

Out here in space somewhere.

Picard:

(Sighs) Mr. Data, could you expand on that?

Data:

Why, sure thing, Cap'n sir. We appear to be well within the Romulan Zone.

On the viewscreen, five Romulan warbirds decloak.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, raise shields.

Worf looks around on his control panel. After a few seconds he finally presses the button activating the shields.

Picard:

Open hailing frequencies.

Worf:

Opened, sir.

Picard:

This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Romulan voice:

Ewwwwwwwww.

Picard:

We have been brought into the Neutral Zone by an being called Q ...

Romulan:

Save your breath, Captain ... we know you have come here to attack the Empire.

Picard:

That is not so. Put your image on the viewscreen. Show yourself.

The viewscreen switches to a shot of the Romulan bridge where, standing in the foreground, is a blonde Romulan female.

Picard:

(Stands up slowly) Diane ... urr ... Tasha ...

Sela:

Well, Captain Picard. It seems as though fate has dealt you a rather savage blow.

Riker:

She even talks like Tasha.

Picard:

Romulan Commander ... we are amazed at how much you look like our former friend, Tasha Yar.

Sela:

That is not surprising. I have speculated that it doesn't take much to impress you.

Picard:

Kindly explain yourself.

Sela:

You are the ones who trespassed into our space.

Picard:

I mean why you so much look like Tasha Yar.

Sela:

Because the woman you knew as Tasha Yar was my sister at a Convent on Bostonia.

We close in on Riker's face. He looks dumbfounded as the screen fades to black.

Fade into an exterior shot of the Enterprise confronted by five Romulan Warbirds. Cut to the Main Bridge of the Enterprise.

Picard:

A convent? A Romulan at a convent? That is like a Klingon at Alcoholics Anonymous!

Worf burps his approval.

Sela:

Regardless of your non rational human prejudices, I am the sister of Tasha Yar.

Riker:

How can you prove you are Tasha's sister?

Sela:

Beam me over to your ship and I will prove it.

Riker:

Oh, let me beam her, Captain, it's been so long.

Picard:

Hmmmm. I don't know if that would be wise. I'll beam her.

Data:

You know, ah, the process of beaming was first introduced by ...

Picard throws a lollipop at Data, who ducks and puts his head through the control panel.

Picard:

You have the bridge, Number Twelve.

Riker:

OK.

Picard glances back once then gets in turbolift.

Riker:

Well, looks like I'm in command now. As my first order of the day ... Troi ... get undressed.

Troi gasps.

Cut to Transporter Room 3.

Picard:

Are you ready, Mr. O'Brien?

O'Brien:

Ah, ready for what, sir?

Picard:

To beam the Romulan Commander ...

O'Brien:

Ah, I'm not really into Romulans ... anyway ... I'm on duty.

Picard:

No, I mean to beam her over to this ship ...

O'Brien:

Oh ... I realise that ... now ...

Picard:

Prepare to energise.

O'Brien takes out a bottle of Gatorade.

O'Brien:

Ready, sir.

Picard:

Engage.

Suddenly the ship lurches forward a little.

Picard:

(Taps his Comm Badge) Not you, Mr. LaForge.

Geordi voice:

Sorry, sir.

Picard:

Now, Mr. O'Brien.

O'Brien:

What, sir? Oh ... right.

O'Brien punches some buttons and a figure materialises on the transporter platform.

Sela:

Well, Captain Picard. I guess you didn't expect to see me here.

Picard:

Realising that I didn't know you existed it would be impossible for me to expect you showing up. When you think of it, your sentence was irrational.

Sela:

Don't try to outwit me, Picard. I am ten times smarter and much more sophisticated than you.

O'Brien:

(Whispers to Picard) She's got you there, sir.

Picard:

Romulan Commander, what is your name?

Sela:

My name is Sela, and what I told you about Yar and I was factual.

Picard:

Well, lets take you down to sick bay and get some proof.

O'Brien takes Picard arm in arm.

O'Brien:

Ok, lets go.

Picard:

Not you and I,Transporter Chief ... Sela and I.

O'Brien:

Aha.

O'Brien lets go of Picard and turns to walk away but bumps into the wall.

Picard:

After you ... (motions for Sela to exit)

Cut to sickbay where an unnamed doctor is examining Sela.

Dr. Nobody:

All test are positive ... she is Tasha's sister.

Picard:

Well, it seems as though we have a situation here.

Sela:

And now I request that you call a staff meeting so I can tell you my plans.

Picard:

All right, we shall meet at 0800 hours.

Fade into the conference room with the main characters sitting around a table.

Picard:

I have asked you all to assemble here to listen to what Sela has to say.

Worf:

All right, but lets try to make it quick, I have an appointment with Ten Forward at 0830.

Sela:

As you all know, Tasha Yar attended a convent on Bostonia many years ago.

Riker:

Yeah, and I'm the one that had to go rescue her.

Picard:

Will ... (waves him off)

Sela:

Well, what no one else knew was that her father secretly married a Romulan Princess who conceived a child.

Riker:

Oh great, a Rihannsu Princess.

Sela:

I was that child. During the time that Tasha was at that convent, I secretly replaced her at the prayer conventions and all social gatherings that occurred.

Picard:

But how did you pass as Tasha with those ears of yours?

Sela takes a pair of earmuffs out of her purse.

Picard:

Well, we are rightfully confused, but the next thing we wish to know is why we have been brought together.

Sela:

Exactly ... and here is your answer. (Opens a communicator) Sub-Commander Gary ... you may decloak now. Captain if you will kindly look on your monitors.

Picard switches on the viewscreen and suddenly a strange ship that resembles a small pub decloaks ... the words Gary's Tavern blink on a neon sign.

Picard:

Gary's Tavern!!! What is the meaning of this???

Gary:

Well, Captain Picard ... it seems as though we finally got the upper hand.

Picard:

Mr. Data, tell us everything we know about the IRV Gary's Tavern and her crew.

Data:

(Stands up) Hey, sure thing, Johnny. The IRV Gary's Tavern is one of our oldest enemies. If memory serves, it, ah ... once tried to steal the Tecumsah Statue on Massachusetts IV. Its commander, Gary is a Romulan trouble shooter who has destroyed a whole bunch of Federation ships.

Riker:

What do you mean a whole bunch?

Data:

You know, a lot ... .

Picard:

Understood, Mr. Data. Proceed.

Data:

Thank you, sir. The last time anyone in the Federation saw his ship, it was in a fight with a Klingon Bird of Prey, the, ah, IKV Snott. It was said to have been severely damaged and fleeing back to Romulan space.

Picard:

Apparently not as damaged as reported.

Gary:

That's right, Picard. And now we are back to make sure that our revenge is complete.

Picard:

Data, you may sit down now.

Data goes to sit down but his chair is pulled out from under him. As he hits the floor, Q returns in a flash.

Q:

Did you think I forgot about you?

Picard:

Q, I don't understand why you brought us here. The events that have transpired today are just irrelevant. (Breaks out in a cold sweat after saying that word for some reason)

Q:

I don't know, I thought it would be fun.

Troi:

I sense something good is on television.

Troi changes the channel on the viewscreen to the Fashion Channel.

Riker turns off television and Troi gives him a hateful look.

Picard:

Look, Q ... I realise that you must be pretty powerful ...

Q is pulling rabbits out of a top hat and they disappear as he throws them into the air.

Picard:

... but just maybe you will send us home now?

Q:

Nope, you have got to settle this with the Romulans.

Worf tries to growl but ends up belching.

Q:

With that in mind, I'm leaving now.

Q disappears.

Suddenly an dozen eggs materialise above Data's head and crack open as they hit him.

Q:

Don't think I won't be back.

Geordi:

I probably wouldn't remember his name anyway.

Sela:

So, Captain Picard. I think it would be best now if you would beam me back to my ship and follow us to Romulus.

Picard:

I suppose that would be the prudent thing to do.

We are now on the bridge where Worf is tapping a new keg, Data is again chattering endlessly to Geordi and Riker is trying to make a move on Troi. Picard is in his ready room.

Riker:

Captain, we are picking up a subspace message from Starfleet Command.

Picard:

I'll take it in here.

Riker:

Ok, sir.

Picard switches on the little viewscreen and the Federation symbol is on. Suddenly the screen switches to show circles travelling across the bottom of the screen then a big circle forms in the centre and Admiral Johnson walks in the middle and sits down at a chair. For all intents and purposes Johnson will be played by Sean Connery.

Picard:

Admiral Johnson, so nice to see you again.

Johnson:

Yesh, Picard ... it ish good to shee you again.

Picard:

I guess you know of our present situation.

Johnson:

Yesh, Captain. Shtarfleet headquartersh picked up your dishtressh shignal shome time ago. We are shending a fleet to rescue you now.

Picard:

I see. Well, we will be waiting and praying, sir.

Johnson:

Johnshon out.

Picard switches off the viewer and walks out to the main bridge.

Riker is sitting in the Captain's chair trying to glance down Troi's uniform.

Picard:

Number Twelve ...

Riker:

(Quickly standing) Yeah ...

Picard:

Starfleet is sending a fleet to rescue us, so we had better lock down for a bout of fisticuffs.

Riker:

A what?

Geordi:

It means we are going to have a little skirmish with the Romulans.

Everybody looks at Geordi.

Geordi:

Well, that's what Data told me.

Data sorta slouches down in his chair for the imminent onrush of objects that will be thrown at him.

Picard:

This is your Captain speaking ...

A great wave of Ewwwwww comes over the intercom.

Picard:

All stations prepare for battle, help is on the way.

We see multiple shots of people getting ready for battle ... Torpedoes are being readied, phaser banks are being recharged, O'Brien is trying to fit a leg into a wet suit (several pairs are scattered on the floor in front of him), Worf brings a new keg onto the bridge and sets it under his control panel.

Worf:

Hey, there's a message coming from one of the Romulan ships.

Picard:

Which one?

Worf looks dazed as he searches the control panel.

Worf:

Geez, captain, I dunno.

Picard:

Well, put it on screen.

The viewscreen comes on and Sela looks upset.

Sela:

You were talking to your headquarters and now you are powering up your ship.

Riker:

So?

Picard slaps the top of his head and Riker takes out his mirror and straightens out his hair.

Picard:

You can't expect us to simply submit to you.

Sela:

Why not? Commander Riker did at the Convent ...

Everyone turns to look at Riker, who is turning red.

Picard:

We can't allow you to take control of a Federation starship.

Troi:

We could set the self destruct and beam to their ship. And then when they come over here ... boom.

Picard:

No, too cliched.

Worf:

I know of a way that we can avert all this.

Picard:

Oh? how?

Worf:

Romulan Commander ... I would like to buy each one of your crew ... (looks in his chequebook) ... a ... drink ... Hmmm. But since I lack the resources, I'll just buy one for my pal, Data.

Data:

Thank you, Worfy ... don't mind if I do. (Walks back to Worf's station )

Sela:

Your foolishness bores me, Captain. But soon you will be slaves to the Empire and your ship will lead the attack on the Federation.

Geordi:

(Whispers to Data, who has returned with a mug) The joke's on her ... this ship can't run by itself ... (snickers )

Picard:

Close channel.

Screen returns to view of Romulan escorts.

Cut to Ten Forward.

Guinan:

So what'll it be, Worf?

Worf:

Just open up the taps and ... you can take the shift off.

Riker comes in and sits down by Worf.

Riker:

Hey, Worf ... funny seeing you here.

Worf:

What's funny about that?

Riker:

Ah, never mind. I was just wondering, what is your opinion of this Sela?

Worf:

She is snotty.

Riker:

Snotty?

Worf:

Did I pronounce it wrong?

Riker:

No, but I mean ... do you think she really is Tasha's sister?

Worf:

It's hard to say, Commander. She seems as obnoxious as Tasha was.

Riker:

Hmmm ... maybe I should pay her a visit.

Cut to Bridge of the IRV T'Spoon where Riker suddenly materialises.

Sela:

What is the meaning of this intrusion.

Riker:

Sela ... you know how I felt about ... you ... or Tasha ... or whoever ... why are you trying to harm us?

Sela:

I couldn't get a job on any other show since leaving ... I needed the money.

Riker:

You could sub for Carson ... everybody else has.

Romulan 1:

Commander Sela, the Enterprise is hailing us.

Sela:

As all males should.

Romulan 1:

No, I mean they want to talk to us.

Sela:

Oh ... put them on screen.

The screen comes on with a shot of the bridge of the Big E.

Picard:

Commander Riker has beamed over to your ship.

Sela:

No, you're kidding.

Picard:

I am serious ... oh, there you are Number Twelve.

Riker:

Hey, sir.

Picard:

What are you over there for.

Riker:

Trying to talk to Sela.

Picard:

Are you having much luck?

Riker:

I just got here.

Picard:

Try to convince her to go away.

Riker:

Sir, she's standing right here. (Motions toward Sela)

Picard:

Oh ... I knew that. Carry on.

Cut to the Enterprise Bridge.

Suddenly the bridge shudders and Picard falls down.

Sela:

Why did you fall down.

Picard:

Gravity.

LaForge:

Sir, we just shook. Could it be an earthquake?

Picard:

Highly unlikely, Mr. LaForge. Mr. Worf, what happened?

Worf:

A ship has just come out of warp and fired on us.

Picard:

What kind of ship.

Worf:

A big one.

Picard:

Oh ... well, put it on screen.

The screen changes to a shot of a gigantic cube shaped vessel.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies with that ship.

Worf:

Ok.

Worf touches a few buttons.

Worf:

They aren't responding sir.

Picard:

This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.

A computerised EWWWWWWWW!!! comes from the ship.

Picard:

What is the meaning of the attack on our ship?

Worf:

Still no response sir.

Picard:

Put Sela on half the screen.

Worf:

Aye, sir.

Sela's image appears on half the screen.

Sela:

Looks like you found a new friend, Jean-Luc.

Picard:

What is the meaning of this? What kind of ship is that?

Sela:

I don't know, Picard, nor do I care.

Picard:

Worf, try to get them to answer.

Worf:

(Looks all excited) Yes SIR!

Worf pushes some buttons and the Big E fires multiples photons at the ship.

Picard:

MR. WORF!!!!

Worf:

What?

Picard:

I meant by talking to them.

Worf:

Oh. (Looks embarrassed)

Worf pushes more buttons.

Worf:

Still no good.

Picard:

Was that ship damaged by the photons?

Worf:

Not even a scratch.

Data starts waving his hand in the air, trying to get Picard's attention.

Picard:

What, Mr. Data?

Data:

Well, ah, Johnny, I don't believe we have ever seen a ship like this before.

Picard:

Well that clears a few things up.

Data:

I suggest extreme caution.

Picard:

Really, Mr. Data? You think so? And there I was gonna use flagrant stupidity.

Data:

I do not think that would be wise.

Picard:

Sit down and shut up, please.

Data:

Aye, sir.

Guinan voice:

Captain Picard. This is Guinan down in Ten Forward, I might be able to help you with this ship.

Picard:

Get up here on the double.

Guinan:

I'll be there when I'm good and ready.

Picard:

(Wipes his forehead) All right then.

Sela:

Captain, will you please take your First Officer back now?

Picard looks up at the screen to see Riker trying to kiss Sela.

Picard:

Mr. O'Brien, lock onto Riker and beam him back.

O'Brien:

Allllll right.

Riker materialises in transporter room 3.

Riker:

Hey, what do ya think you're doing. I was making a little progress back there.

O'Brien:

Sorry, Commander. A ship is attacking us and he thought we had a fifty-fifty chance of surviving without you, but there would only be a twenty percent chance of that.

Riker:

Oh, tell him I'm on my way to the bridge.

O'Brien:

Allll right.

Riker leaves and the camera follows him down the hall. Suddenly a door opens and a scantily clad female officer comes out in the hall and grabs his wrist, then leads him into her room. The door shuts.

Back on the bridge.

Picard:

Where the hell is Riker.

Worf:

Sir, the enemy ship is hailing us.

Picard:

On screen.

Worf:

It's only audio.

Picard:

Then turn on the speakers.

Worf turns a knob to the right.

Borg:

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise, Registration NCC-1701-D. We have scanned your ship and have determined that you could not withstand an attack from our ship. You are ordered to beam to our ship immediately. Resistance is futile. If you do not comply your ship will be destroyed. If you do not beam over your ship will be destroyed.

Picard:

That's quite a demand. Close channel.

Worf pushes a button and the Paramount logo comes on the viewscreen.

Picard:

Comments, anyone.

LaForge:

That's a big ship.

Picard:

Mr. Worf?

Worf:

I say we fire all weapons at it.

Data:

I say we challenge it to a round of Jeopardy.

Picard:

Troi?

Troi is still smoking and painting her nails.

Troi:

I don't know ... ask Riker.

Picard:

Where the hell is he.

Cut back to the female officer's room where Riker is smoking a cigarette.

Officer:

Oh, Will, you were fantastic.

Riker:

I know, I know.

Suddenly a figure materialises in the room.

Riker:

Hmmmm ... hello there. Who are you?

The Borg doesn't respond to his question, but starts looking around the room.

Riker:

Riker to the bridge.

Picard voice:

Will, where the hell are you?

Riker:

In an uncredited female's room. I think you better get down here. We have a visitor.

Fade back into the show. The entire bridge crew is in the room.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, what do you make of it.

Worf:

An excuse to go next door to Ten Forward.

Worf exits.

Picard:

I am Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise.

The Borg looks at him with a sickened expression.

Picard:

Who are you and why are you on my ship.

The Borg keeps looking through drawers and cabinets.

Picard:

Mr. Data, fire your phaser at him ... set it for stun.

Data:

Hey, sure thing, Cap'n sir.

Data sets the phaser to stun and fires ... the Borg is unaffected.

Picard:

Change it to kill.

Data changes it and fires. The Borg falls down. Then another Borg comes in and takes some pieces off and beams away. The dead Borg vanishes.

LaForge:

Hey, that other guy stole his wallet.

Picard:

MR. LAFORGE!!!

Troi:

Captain, you better get back to the bridge.

Picard:

She was left in charge up there?

Everyone looks at each other and hurriedly runs out.

Cut to the bridge, now furnished like a coffee shop. The crew enters and looks around, shocked.

Picard:

Councillor, what have you done?

Troi:

I just thought a change would be nice.

Picard:

But ... but ...

Troi:

Don't you like it, dear ... ah ... Captain?

Picard:

Well, quite frankly ... NO!!!

Troi starts to cry and runs to the turbolift, which doesn't open. Troi runs into it and falls down.

Picard:

Mr. Worf ... open a channel to the Romulans.

Worf:

Ok, Captain.

Sela comes on screen.

Sela:

Now what do you want?

Picard:

Hey ... you brought us here.

The screen splits in half with Sela on one side, Gary's Tavern on the other.

Gary:

Picard ... is this a trick? That ship must be part of a new Federation force.

Picard:

Hmmm ... yes, that's exactly what it is ... I bet you can't destroy it. It's too tough for the famous Gary's Tavern. Come on ... try it ... Chicken.

Gary:

No one calls Gary's Tavern CHICKEN!!!

The viewscreen switches to an exterior shot of Gary's Tavern moving into firing position and unloads into the Borg ship. The Borg return the fire and Gary's Tavern goes spinning off into space. Suddenly the Borg ship starts rotating to reveal a large Peacock with the letters NBC below it.

Picard:

What on earth?

Borg Voice:

We are known as the Borg. We have come to assimilate your ship into our culture. Resistance will be futile. You must surrender.

Riker:

I know that voice ...

The viewscreen changes to a shot of the inside of the Borg ship. We see a black man wearing a big sweater. (Bill Cosby).

Borg:

You shall become one with the Borg. You shall all become one with the Borg.

Picard:

I don't think you understand. We have no desire or need to join with you. We are doing pretty well on our own.

Borg:

Your origins lie with the Borg. Your future lies once again with the Borg and you will soon be assimilated.

Picard:

Raise shields.

Worf:

They were raised long ago, sir.

Picard:

Oh yeah. Well, get me through to Sela.

The viewscreen changes to a shot of the Romulan bridge.

Sela:

What is it now, Picard?

Picard:

These beings intend to incorporate us all into their culture. This presents a bit of a problem.

Sela:

What makes you think they even want us.

Suddenly a Borg materialises behind Sela.

Picard:

You were saying.

A Romulan officer phasers the Borg, who takes an extra long time falling.

Sela:

We will assist you in destroying them.

The Romulan ships start to get in formation.

Picard:

Now hear this, we are about to attack the Borg ship. All hands to your stations.

Worf goes to the coat rack, gets his jacket, and leaves.

Picard:

Ensign Tortelli to the bridge.

Data:

Sir, if I may ...

Picard:

If you may what?

Data:

I have some thoughts on strategies.

Picard:

Oh really? This should prove interesting.

Data:

Well, Cappy. I think if we tried the Main Deflector Dish ...

Picard:

Hmmmm ... that might not be such a bad idea.

LaForge:

Captain, should I move the ship?

Picard:

Why?

LaForge:

I dunno ... maybe to avoid the chunks of the Gary's Tavern that were blasted off.

On the screen we see big hunks of metal coming toward the Big E.

Picard:

All right, make it so.

LaForge:

Well ...

Picard:

Well, what?

LaForge:

Where should I go?

Picard:

Acapulco for all I care.

LaForge:

Sir, isn't that a little too far just to avoid junk?

Picard:

MOVE!!!!

LaForge punches some buttons and the Enterprise speeds out of the way just in time to avoid being struck by the junk.

Borg:

Time's up. You will now be destroyed.

Picard:

Sela, now!

The Romulan ships start firing away at the huge cube. Chunks of the metal are blown off as the Enterprise fires its phasers and photons.

Picard:

Ensign Tortelli, how soon 'til we can fire the Main Deflector Dish?

Tortelli:

Ahhhhh, about five minutes, sir.

Picard:

Lt. LaBeck, how are the engines holding?

LaBeck:

Oh, they're all right. I'm keeping them in check.

Cut to the engine room where LaBeck is pointing a hockey stick at a console.

LaBeck:

Just try anything.

Cut back to the bridge.

Tortelli:

Ready to fire, sir.

Picard:

Main Deflector Dish ... ready ... FIRE!

The Dish shoots forth a massive amount of power that rips through the Borg ship and takes out two of the Romulan ships.

Tortelli:

Captain, the Borg ship is retreating.

On the screen, the Borg ships warps away, leaving a trail of ionised dust.

Riker:

Wow, we did it.

Data:

That was the quickest victory in Starfleet History. The previous record was approximately, ah ...

Picard throws his command chair at Data. On the screen, Sela appears.

Sela:

It seems as though we have beaten the enemy ship. Now you must answer for destroying two of our ships.

Picard:

Sela, we are deeply sorry for doing that, but it was an accident.

Sela:

I'm afraid that just isn't good enough, you intellectual deviate.

Picard:

Oh, really? Then maybe this will change your mind ... chi'pahkk mohkk schlokkh rokkh.

Three Klingon Birds of Prey decloak, surrounding the Warbirds.

LaForge:

Captain, three Klingon ships have just decloaked.

Picard:

I know that, Mr. LaForge.

LaForge:

Ohhhhh, Ok ... sorry, sir.

Sela:

Very nice, Picard. It appears as though I misjudged you.

Riker:

Wench.

Picard slaps Riker in top of the head. Riker takes out his mirror.

Picard:

I think it best if we would both leave this area now.

Sela:

Agreed. I'll be seeing you again soon, Picard.

Picard:

I'm sure you will. Close channel.

The screen switches to a shot of the Warbirds turning back to Romulan space and cloaking.

Picard:

Mr. Tortelli, hail the Pukke and tell K'boom I said thank you.

Tortelli:

Yes, sir.

Riker:

Well Captain, looks as though we got out of that one by the skin of our tonsils.

Data starts to say something but sees Picard glaring at him and stops.

Picard:

Mr. LaForge, lets go home.

LaForge:

Yes, sir ... what heading ...

Picard:

Home. Did I not just say that?

LaForge:

Oh, yeah.

Tortelli:

Sir, a ship is coming into this sector.

Picard:

On screen.

A Ferengi ship speeds into range, bouncing all about the place. The screen changes to a shot of its bridge.

Bach:

Pee-card Captain!!!! We will get you back ... some day ... some time ...

Crusher:

Captain ... Jean-Luc darling ... take me back ... please ... !!! These things are ugly, dirty, and they smell extremely bad.

Picard motions for the channel to be closed. The screen returns to the view of the Ferengi ship flopping off into the distance.

Picard:

I guess that ends a rather interesting first voyage of the Barship Enterprise. I think we should all go to Ten Forward and join Worf for a nice cool drink.

Riker:

Aye, sir ... right behind you. (Runs to the turbolift and exits)

The screen switches to an external shot of the Big E.

Picard:

Captain's Log, Stardate ... damn ... my watch is broke. Well, anyway ... we have completed this unplanned excursion into the Neutral Zone, brought about by a being called Q. We met a Romulan that claims to be the sister of the late Tasha Yar, and we encountered a fierce life form known as the Borg. We almost were destroyed on a number of occasions, but on the brighter side, I won't have to wear a mousetrap on my hand when I'm around Dr. Crusher. So all in all it was a magnificent day. This is Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise ... signing off.

Picard sits back in his chair and looks up at the ceiling. He puts on his brown fedora.

Picard:

I wonder if holodeck three is open ...

Picard exits. Suddenly Q appears, wearing a Starfleet uniform, holding a drink.

Q:

(In Picard's voice) Mr. LaForge ... set a course for Alpha Centauri Five ... oh, and send Mr. Data in.

Q starts laughing to himself as we cut to the outside of the ship. The Big E warps away, leaving Data behind in a shuttlecraft.

Data voice:

Hey, Johnny ... where am I ... where'd the ship go ... help ...

The screen goes black, then the ending theme from Cheers as the credits appear.