Geordi Diem

by Todd Alan Bobenrieth

Fade in to an exteriot shot of the Big E.

Picard:

Captain's Log, Stardate 41213.8. We are zooming through space with nothing better to do, so some of the crew are playing a variation of the old Earth game, Operation.

Cut to Sick Bay, where Data is laying on a table with his chest opened up. Riker is reaching inside with tweezers.

Riker:

Almost got it ...

Worf:

RIKER!!!!

Riker stabs the tweezers deep into Data's chest.

Data:

YEOW!!!!!!

Worf falls over laughing. Riker wipes his brow.

Riker:

Not funny.

Data:

Yeah, Worfy ... that hurt.

Worf:

Commander, the Captain wishes to see you on the bridge.

Riker:

All right, I'm on my way.

Riker leaves. Worf grabs the tweezers and pinches Data's nose.

Cut to the turbolift opening on the bridge. Riker steps out onto the bridge. He looks up to see a strange ship on the viewer.

Riker:

What kind of ship is that?

Picard:

A weird one. So far it hasn't responded to our hails.

Riker:

What's weird about that? Many ships won't respond.

Picard:

I meant we've never seen one like this before.

Ensign Noname:

Sir, that ship is hailing us.

Picard:

On screen.

The screen switches to a shot of the ship's bridge. Three VERY stupid looking creatures are sitting on buckets.

Picard:

I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise.

The three look at each other and collectively say, "Ew."

Picard:

Who are you?

Donk:

I am Donk. Can you help us go?

Picard:

Help you GO? Go where?

Donk:

Our ship is broken. Can you help us make it go?

Riker:

Close channel ... Captain, do we have time for this?

Picard:

Number Twelve, it is difficult to ignore them when we have nothing better to do.

Riker shrugs and pulls down his shirt.

Picard:

Open channel ... Donk of Pakkled ...

Donk:

That's Donk O'Patrick.

Picard:

Huh?

Donk:

My name ... Donk O'Patrick

Picard:

I see. Donk O'Patrick, we have someone who can help you ... Mr. LaForge to the bridge.

Geordi:

Up here sir.

Picard:

Ah, there you are. Mr. LaForge, you will go to the Pakkled ship and fix it.

Geordi:

But what if it wants to have children some day?

Picard:

No, I mean repair it.

Geordi:

Oh yeah, I can do that.

LaForge walks up to the viewer and bumps into it. He feels around for a trap door then walks to the turbolift.

Donk:

Seeking trap doors. He is smart!

Riker and Picard look at each other wide-eyed.

Cut to transporter room 2. O'Brien is twiddling his thumbs. LaForge enters.

O'Brien:

Hey, Mr. LaForge, what can I do for you today?

Geordi:

I have to go to some alien ship.

O'Brien:

Any one in particular?

Geordi:

There's only one out there.

O'Brien:

Ah, there it is. Yes well, whenever you are ready.

Geordi:

Energise.

O'Brien is now wearing bunny ears and has a big drum strapped to him.

O'Brien:

Aye, sir.

LaForge dissolves, then rematerialises on the pad next to him.

Geordi:

Wow, their transporter room looks just like ours. And their transporter chief looks like O'Brien.

O'Brien:

You're still on the Enterprise, Geordi. Just a sec.

O'Brien rapidly presses a series of buttons down a line.

O'Brien:

There, now we're ready.

Geordi dissolves again. Cut to a beach where he surrounded by bikini clad women.

O'Brien:

Sorry again, sir.

Geordi dissolves again and reappears in the Pakkled ship.

Geordi:

Hey, I was fine where I was.

He glances up to where the Pakkleds are staring at him. Geordi raises his hand into the Vulcan salute.

Geordi:

How!

Donk:

Can you fix our ship?

Geordi:

What's wrong with it?

Dink:

It won't go.

Dank:

We look for things.

Donk:

Things to make us go.

Geordi:

You mean like fuel?

The Pakkleds look at each other.

Donk:

He is smart!

Dink:

He can make us go!

Geordi:

Wow, this is great!!

Cut to the bridge of the Big E.

Picard:

What do you suppose is going on over there?

Riker:

It's hard to say.

Picard:

Well try to spell it out.

Riker:

No, I mean I don't have any idea.

Picard:

Hmmmm ... Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies.

Worf:

Wouldn't one be enough?

Picard:

Oh, all right ... do it!

Worf pushes a button and the lights dim.

Worf:

Sorry, sir. (Pushes correct button) Hailing frequency open,sir.

Picard:

Donk O'Patrick, how is LaForge doing?

Viewer switches to Donk.

Donk:

He is smart. He fixes our ship.

Geordi:

Hey, Captain. I have their warp engines on line, I fixed their guidance system, repaired their food dispenser, and hooked up HBO!

Picard:

Very good, Geordi. Prepare to beam back.

Geordi:

Aye aye, sir.

Donk:

We want him to stay here.

Picard:

That's sweet, but we have to get going.

Donk:

No, he stays.

Worf:

Captain, the Pakkleds have raised their shields.

Riker:

Beam him back, O'Brien.

O'Brien:

Sir, we can't while their shields are up.

Riker:

Oh, that's right. Never mind, then.

Donk:

You think we are stupid.

The crew all nod their heads, "yes"

Donk:

You think we are dumb.

The crew nods again.

Donk:

You think we could have the android too?

The crew rapidly nod their heads, "YES!"

Data:

Hey, very funny, guys.

Picard:

We weren't kidding ... Donk, if you do not give us back LaForge we will be forced to take action.

The screen switches to the exterior of the Pakkled ship.

Worf:

Sir, they have closed the channel.

Picard:

Worf, Riker, Data ... in my ready room in ten minutes.

Picard walks away as we fade out.

Fade back in to the Pakkled ship.

Geordi:

Why wouldn't you let me leave?

Donk:

We want you to stay.

Dink:

You are smart.

Geordi:

Maybe so, but not enough to want to keep me.

Dank:

We want you to give us weapons.

Dank points a phaser at LaForge.

Geordi:

You have that aimed at yourself.

Donk:

Oh. (Turns it around) Now give us weapons.

Geordi:

All right, just a second.

Geordi get's his gym bag and pulls out a knife, a BB Gun, a rope, and a slingshot. Dink and Dank grab weapons.

Dink:

We are strong.

Dank:

We have weapons.

Cut to Ready Room. Riker, Picard, and Data are sitting around the table. Worf enters.

Worf:

Afternoon, everybody.

ALL:

WORF!!!!!

Picard:

Now that we are all here, we can start to figure how to get LaForge back.

Data:

Well, ah, Johnny, I think we should try trading them something.

Worf:

I say we destroy them.

Riker:

I say we go to Reisa!

Picard:

All interesting ideas, but I think Data's is the most proper. What can we offer them in trade?

Everyone looks at Data.

Data:

Unlike a, ah, fine wine, that joke does not get better with age.

A beeping noise is heard.

Worf:

The Pakkleds are hailing us.

Picard:

On viewer.

The viewer switches to a shot of the Pakkleds, who now are dressed exactly like Geordi.

Riker:

Now how are we going to tell which is LaForge?

Donk:

We are all Geordi's now!

Dink:

You will never get him back.

Picard:

Mr. Worf. Close channel. Prepare photon torpedoes.

Worf:

Aye, sir.

Riker:

Are you just going to let LaForge die?

Picard:

Do we have another option?

Riker:

What about Data's trade idea ...

Picard:

Oh, I forgot. Power down weapons, Worf.

Worf sighs and hits a button hard.

Picard:

We are just going to have to use our brains.

All:

Damn.

Cut to Pakkled ship.

Geordi:

You guys are great, but ... (yawns) I really must get going.

Dink:

You go nowhere. You stay with us.

Geordi:

But why? I fixed your ship, I gave you weapons. Sure, they weren't phasers, but still ...

All 3 Pakkleds:

PHASERS????

Cut back to Enterprise.

Data:

Captain, I have an idea.

Captain:

Why am I not surprised.

Data:

Most likely because no one else on the bridge is, ah, intelligent enough to offer advice.

Picard looks around the bridge. Riker is sleeping in his chair and Worf is guzzling beer.

Picard:

Point well taken. Now what is the idea?

Data:

We could try my TRADE IDEA!!!!

Picard:

Oh, of course ... we haven't tried that yet, have we ... Mr. Worf.

Worf dribbles on himself.

Worf:

Yeah?

Picard:

Hail the Pakkled ship.

Worf gets down on his knees.

Worf:

Praise the Pakkleds. I hail thee!!!!

Picard:

I meant open a channel to them.

Worf:

Oh. (Stands up) Just kidding, sir. Channel open.

Picard:

Pakkled vessel. We request a discussion with you.

Screen switches to Donk.

Donk:

What do you want now?

Picard:

We wish to make a trade.

Donk:

Speak.

Picard:

We really want Mr. LaForge back.

Donk:

And what would you give us for him?

Picard motions to Riker.

Donk:

No way!

Picard points to Worf.

Donk:

No, we want the android.

Picard:

Agreed.

Data:

But sir ...

Picard:

Close channel, Worf. Mr. Data, we are going to transport LaForge here and then tow their ship to Starbase 67.

Data:

Ah, understood, sir.

Picard:

Open channel ... Donk, we are prepared to make the trade. Are you ready?

Donk nods.

Picard:

Lower your shields ... Lock onto Geordi, Mr. O'Brien. Energise.

O'Brien:

Mr. LaForge is on board, sir.

Picard:

Well done. Now, Donk, we will tow you to Starbase 67. You are under arrest.

Donk:

You tricked us! We have weapons, we will attack. (Holds up slingshot)

Picard:

You gave them toys, LaForge, and they think they are weapons. Prepare tractor beam, Worf.

Geordi voice:

But sir, there's one thing I haven't told you.

Picard:

And what might that be?

Suddenly the Enterprise rocks as it is hit by a phaser.

Worf:

Sir, they SHOT us!!!

Close up on Picard as we fade out.

Fade into Pakkled ship firing at the Enterprise again.

Cut to Enterprise bridge.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, increase power to shields, lock phasers.

Worf:

Aye, sir.

Data:

Incoming fire, sir.

The Big E rocks under the blast.

Picard:

Damage report.

Worf:

Decks 15-37 reporting heavy damage.

Picard:

Repair crews to decks 15-37.

Worf:

Well, are we going to fight back or what?

Picard:

Ooops! I keep forgetting. Fire phasers and torpedoes.

Worf presses a button and torpedoes and phasers hit the Pakkled ship.

Worf:

Their shields are gone. They are now disabled.

Data:

Looks like the shoe is on the other hand now.

Riker:

I think we better leave now, Captain.

Picard:

Why?

Riker:

They may have set their ship on self destruct.

Picard:

(Pauses and looks in the camera) NAH!!!

Worf:

Sir, the Pakkleds have set their ship for self destruct!

Picard:

What?

Worf:

SIR ... THE PAKKLEDS HAVE SET THEIR SHIP FOR SELF DESTRUCT!!!!

Picard:

How fast can we get away?

Data:

We cannot sir.

Picard:

Why not?

Data:

The Warp Drive System is off line.

Riker exits through the turbolift.

Picard:

Engine room, can you bring it back on line?

Geordi:

Bring what back on line?

Picard:

THE WARP DRIVE SYSTEM!!!!

Geordi:

Not for another fifteen minutes.

Picard:

Umm ... well, keep working.

Data:

Captain, if I allocate full power to deflectors and shields, we may survive the blast.

Picard:

Yeah, that should work.

Worf:

Captain, there is a new energy reading on board the Pakkled ship. A pattern I've never seen before.

Picard:

(Looks on Worf's control panel) No ... It can't be ...

Picard looks to the left, where David Marcus is standing, wearing a Ben Kenobi robe. He nods his head.

Picard:

There goes the shield idea.

Data:

It was a pleasure knowing you, sir.

Picard:

Likewise, Data. Boy, I wish we had Warp Drive right NOW!

The Enterprise warps away, just as the Pakkled ship explodes.

Picard:

YES!!! OH YEAH!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!! (Dances around the bridge with Worf)

Data:

We have safely avoided the explosion.

Worf:

You're kidding.

Data:

I am not capable of that emotion.

Picard:

Good work, LaForge.

Geordi:

(In a fake Scottish accent) Cap'n ye better get down here. Better hurry sir.

Picard looks at Riker's empty chair and rushes toward the turbolift as we fade out.

Fade back in to the Engine Room, where a big group of Engineers are gathered around.

Picard:

What happened? Where's Riker?!

Geordi:

Sir, the Main Reactor sprung a leak and shut down the Warp Engines. Riker plugged up the hole.

He points at the Reactor which is encased in glass. Riker is inside with his thumb stuck in a hole. Picard rushes to the glass. LaForge and Barclay grab him.

Picard:

He'll die.

Barclay:

Sir, he's dead already.

Picard looks at Barclay then back at Riker. He breaks free of their grasp.

Picard:

(Knocks on glass) WILL!!!

Riker stands up, straightens his shirt and walks into the glass wall.

Riker:

Don't grieve, Captain. Tis logical.

Picard:

What do you know of logic?!

Riker:

Let me finish.

Picard folds his arms across his chest.

Riker:

Sir, I never took the Kobayashi Maru test.

Picard:

Will, the Kobayashi Maru test was discontinued years ago.

Riker:

Aha. So, that's why I never took it. I guess what I did here was pretty much stupid, huh?

Picard:

Number Twelve, you saved the ship. You saved us all.

Riker:

Hmmm ... wonder if I'll get a spot on the new show.

Picard:

New show ... ?

Riker:

Yeah, Deep Throat Nine.

Picard:

You mean Deep Space Nine.

Riker:

Whatever. I have been, and always shall be your friend ...

Riker slumps to the floor. Picard bows his head.

Picard:

(Weakly) No ...

Fade into the torpedo bay.

Picard:

We are gathered here today to pay our final respects to our honoured dead. And yet it should be noted that our sorrow is amidst the dawn of a new world. A world which our beloved comrade gave his life so readily to protect, and we will not dispute his infinite wisdom at these proceedings. He did not feel the sacrifice a vain or empty one. Of my brave friend I can only say this ... of all the souls I have encountered in my travels ... his was the most ... ummm ... interesting.

Data:

Honours ... hup!!!!

The capsule that Riker's body is in slowly travels down the tunnel thingee as "Amazing Grace" is played over the intercom. The capsule shoots out of the Enterprise and impacts with the newly formed planet. The planet begins to explode all over the surface.

Picard:

Oh no, we better get out of here.

The Enterprise warps away as the new planet explodes into millions of pieces.