Who's Afraid of a Virginia Worf?

by Todd Alan Bobenrieth

Fade into Ten Forward where Worf and Data are sitting at the bar.

Worf:

Data, please go away.

Data:

I just want to make sure that, ah, you are not still mad that I was chosen to replace Commander Riker.

Worf:

It doesn't bother me, now leave!

Data:

But I haven't ordered yet.

Guinan walks by and throws a drink in Data's face.

Data:

That ought to do.

Picard voice:

Mr. Worf, Mr. Data, report to the bridge immediately. Red Alert.

Worf and Data exit. We cut to the bridge where Picard is in his chair.

Ro:

Captain, the vessel has cloaked.

Picard:

Oh wonderful.

Worf and Data enter.

Data:

Why are we on Red Alert, sir?

Picard:

Look at that Romulan Warbird on the screen.

Data and Worf stare up at the screen and squint.

Worf:

I see no Romulans!

Picard:

Well you would if it wasn't cloaked.

Ro:

Captain, message coming in from the warbird.

Picard:

On screen.

Ro:

Audio only.

Picard:

Proceed.

Rom voice:

Federation starship, you are in Romulan space. You are under arrest.

Picard:

To whom am I speaking?

Rom:

I am Commander ... ungh (slap heard) Bob!!! Call me Bob!

Picard:

Well, BOB, you are mistaken. This is Federation space.

Bob:

Is not!

Picard:

Is too!

The viewer shows the warbird decloak.

Bob:

Think you can stand up to one of these babies?

Picard:

Yes!

Eight more warbirds decloak.

Bob:

How about now?

Close up of Picard's face. Fade back in to an exterior shot of the Enterprise surrounded by Warbirds.

Picard:

What is the meaning of this? You know this is Federation space.

Bob:

Sorry, we have claimed this space for our empire.

Picard:

(Aside to Data) Can they do that?

Data:

Not legally, sir.

Picard:

I see ... Commander Bob, what do you want of us?

Bob:

You will come back with us to Romulus and become slaves!

Picard:

That is a tired cliche!

Bob:

I know, but our government is very conservative.

Picard:

I cannot allow you to take my ship.

Bob:

You cannot stop us.

Picard:

Try me.

Rom #2:

I already have Jean-Luc.

Picard:

I know that voice ... show yourself.

The viewer switches to a shot of the Romulan.

Crusher:

It can't be!

Picard:

Will???

The Rom look alike of Riker, without a beard, smirks.

Crusher:

What a rather intricate development.

Picard:

How is this possible?

Rom:

You recall your old friend, Tasha Yar ...

Picard:

Let me guess, you're her brother??!!

Rom:

No, her son.

Picard:

Oh really? And I suppose you have proof of this?

Rom:

Does looking at me not suffice?

Crusher:

He's got you there, Jean-Luc.

Picard:

Perhaps, my dear, but I need more evidence.

Rom:

More evidence, you say? How about this ...

He clicks his fingers and two Romulan woman run to him.

Picard:

He is definitely related to Riker. But why now??

Rom:

There is no better time. I have come to take daddy home.

Picard glances at Crusher.

Picard:

Um, he's not here right now.

Rom:

Where is he?

Picard:

He is ... on vacation.

LaForge:

No he isn't, sir. He died last week.

Picard appears to be ready to burst.

Rom:

My father is dead?! Hmmm ... I guess I'll have to take someone else.

Data:

Romulan Commander, you said earlier that, ah, you wished to capture all of us. Now you only want one.

Rom:

Guys are allowed to change their minds too.

Picard:

You must leave here now. Other Federation ships are on their way.

Rom:

Then we must act quickly.

Picard:

Worf, raise shields!!!!

Worf:

Shields up, sir.

Cut to exterior shot of Rom ships firing on the Big E. Cut back to bridge.

Worf:

Shields failing sir.

Computer voice:

Warning, outer hull breach in twenty seconds.

Data:

Torpedo bay damaged, sir. Main phaser banks shorted out.

Picard:

Increase power to shields. Try to repair the weapons quick!

The warbirds continue to fire, then suddenly stop.

Picard:

Now what?

The eight other ships leave the area and cloak.

Picard:

I don't understand this at all.

The screen switches back to the Romulan Commander.

Rom:

Your shields are gone. You have no weapons, and now you'll have one less crew member. Don't try to interfere or you will all lose your lives.

Two Romulans beam onto the bridge of the Enterprise.

Rom#1:

Nobody move.

Worf sticks out his tongue at them.

Rom#2:

Klingon idiot!

He phasers Worf, who falls to the floor. The Romulans pick him up and all three beam away.

Fade to the Ready Room, where Picard, Ro, Data, and Crusher are seated.

Picard:

What could they possibly want with Worf?

Ro:

His good sense of humour?

Crusher:

His preponderance for fine cuisine?

Data:

He is a, ah, Klingon, Cappy. And as we all know, Romulans aren't too fond of Klingons. They might just use him for torture.

Picard:

Regardless of their intentions, we must get him back.

Crusher:

When do those ships you mentioned arrive?

Picard:

I made that up.

Ro:

A wise decision, sir.

Picard:

Why all of a sudden are you being such a good officer? And what's with that stupid haircut??

Ro:

Sir, I ...

Geordi voice:

Captain, the Romulan Warbird is leaving.

Picard:

On my way.

Cut to the bridge of the Warbird.

Worf:

What do you want from me?

Rom:

Have a seat, Klingon.

Worf refuses to sit, but two guards push him down and tie his arms.

Rom:

I said guys could change their minds too. Yours will be changed for you.

Close up on Worf as we cut to an ext. shot of the Enterprise.

Picard:

Captain's Log, Supplemental: The Romulans have captured Mr. Worf and are heading back to the Neutral Zone. The Enterprise is in pursuit of their vessel and all we can do is pass time.

Cut to holodeck, where Picard and Data are playing hopscotch.

Data:

Captain, you have obviously never played this game before.

Picard is lying face-first on the ground. He stands up and tugs on his shirt.

Picard:

I'm not as good at this as I am at polo.

Data:

Yeah, sure.

Ro voice:

Captain, we are approaching the Romulan vessel.

Picard:

I'm on my way.

Picard and Data exit. Cut to bridge where LaForge is watching "I Love Lucy" on the viewer. Picard and Data enter from the turbolift.

Picard:

What's the status, Mr. LaForge?

Geordi:

Lucy and Ethel are messing up their job at a candy factory.

Picard:

No, I mean with the Romulan ship.

Geordi:

Oh, lemme check. (Hits some buttons) It seems to have suffered some kind of damage to its engines.

Picard:

This is our chance. Mr. O'Brien, lock on to Worf and beam him home.

O'Brien:

We are too far from Klinzhai to beam him there.

Picard:

TO THE ENTERPRISE!!!!!!

O'Brien:

Check.

Ro:

Sir, they are firing at us.

Picard:

DUCK!!

Picard and Ro duck as the cream pies thrown by Data and LaForge sail over their heads.

Picard:

That'll be enough of that!

On the viewer,the Romulan Warbirds explodes.

O'Brien:

Sir, the Warbird has exploded.

Picard:

No??!!!!

O'Brien:

It's true.

Picard:

Tell me you got Worf out of there.

O'Brien:

All right, you got Worf out of there.

Picard:

Mr. O'Brien, did you get Worf out of there in time?

O'Brien:

Aye, sir. But he wasn't alone.

Picard:

What do you mean?

O'Brien:

Someone came with him.

Picard:

WHO???!!!!!

O'Brien:

The Romulan Commander.

Picard raises his eyebrows as we fade out.

Fade back in to transporter room #2 where O'Brien is holding a banana at the back of the Romulan's head. Picard and Data enter.

Picard:

So ... Bob ... looks like you goofed up.

Rom:

Don't think this is over, Picard!

Worf takes the Romulan away.

Picard:

What do you think he meant by that?

Data:

Most likely an idle threat, nothing more.

The Red Alert klaxons go off.

Ro voice:

Captain, the Romulan Commander has escaped and is destroying parts of the ship.

Picard:

I thought Worf had him restrained.

Ro:

Sir, Worf is helping him.

Picard:

What?!

Ro:

SIR, WORF IS HELPING HIM!!!!

Picard:

No way.

Ro:

Way!

Wesley:

Captain ...

Picard:

YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (Jumps into Data's arms) Where did you come from?

Wesley:

Sir, I realise its probably been a while for you, but ...

Picard:

I mean how did you get on the ship?

Wesley:

I was kicked out of Starfleet Academy for accidentally shooting Boothby.

Picard:

Boothby???

Wesley:

Yes, and they assigned me to the Enterprise for the remaining two episodes.

Picard:

Remaining two episodes? How do you know this?

Wesley:

It said so at the beginning of the script.

Picard:

Ahhh. (Looks at Data) Put me down.

Data:

You jerk-off!!!

Picard:

No, I mean let me down.

Data drops Picard, who hits the floor hard.

Picard:

All right, but we have a bit of a problem right now.

Wesley:

I know, the renegade Romulan who looks like Commander Riker.

Picard:

Exactly, any ideas?

Wesley:

Let's go look for them.

Picard hits himself on the head and they exit.

Cut to sick bay where Crusher is intently sewing.

Picard:

Doctor Crusher, we have an emergency, come with us now!

Crusher:

Yes, beloved, let me conclude this venture first.

She finishes up and holds up a pair of baby booties. She exits.

Cut to Shuttlebay Four, where Barclay is carefully stacking heavy barrels with an anti-grav crane. Worf and the Romulan Commander enter.

Worf:

Lt. Barclay, look up ... look down ... look at my fist! (Punches Barclay)

Barclay falls and the two hide him behind the barrels.

Rom:

Well done, Worf. Now lets get ready to signal the fleet.

Worf:

Aye, sir.

Cut to bridge, where Ro is playing an Atari game with LaForge.

Picard voice:

Ensign Ro, any further reports of violence?

Ro:

Well, Geordi just destroyed one of my ships.

Picard:

Violence concerning the Romulan and Worf!!

Ro:

Well, they have spray-painted some rather derogatory remarks on Deck 15.

Picard:

Quick, get the paint thinner crews to that area. Picard out.

Cut back to Deck 26, where Picard, Wesley, and Data are looking in every room.

Wesley:

Nothing in here.

Picard:

Wesley, that's the trash compactor.

Wesley:

Oh.

Data:

Sir, why don't we ask the computer to locate Worfy?

Picard:

Not a bad idea. Computer, locate Mr. Worf.

Computer:

Mr. Worf is in Shuttlebay Four.

Picard:

I suggest we go to Shuttlebay Four.

Data:

Good thinking, Johnny.

The three run towards the Shuttlebay.

Cut back to Shuttlebay Four where Worf is punching controls into the computer.

Rom:

You must hurry. They already know where we are.

Worf:

They don't know where we are. They would have flooded the area with noxious gasses if they did.

Suddenly, right on cue, gas flows out of the vents.

Rom:

Good work, Klingon.

Worf shrugs. Picard, Wesley, and Data come into the Shuttlebay.

Worf:

Stay away, Captain. I will be forced to take action against you if you interfere.

Picard:

Worf, you must fight the control of the Romulan.

Worf raises his hand and puts his pointer finger in the air.

Worf:

Worf's not here right now, Captain Picard.

Picard:

Ensign Ro, stop with the gas already.

Ro voice:

Sorry sir, gas stopping now.

The gas stops coming out of the vents.

Picard:

What was that anyway?

Ro:

Klingon Aphrodisiac! I thought it might help.

Worf glances over at the Romulan seductively.

Rom:

Stop looking at me that way.

Crusher runs into the room. Worf seizes her as a hostage.

Rom:

Now all of you, back up and face the wall.

Fade back in to Shuttlebay Four, where Worf is feeling out Crusher.

Crusher:

Stop it you overgrown chia pet!

Rom:

Quiet! Now, Worf. How close is the fleet?

Worf:

Two days away.

Rom:

Good! Now, Picard ... dance!!!

Picard:

Dance???

Rom:

Did I mispronounce it?!

Data:

If I may, sir ... the correct pronunciation of the word, at least the English equivalent has, ah, been handed down from the original word ...

ALL:

SHUT UP!!!!!

Rom:

You see Picard, this is the first step in the annihilation of the puny Federation.

Picard:

Watch your language!

Wesley moves behind a console and takes out his phaser.

Rom:

We have easily brainwashed your comrade, Worf, and you will be next.

Picard:

I see. This has been tried before, you know, and by a much more powerful race.

Rom:

The Indy 500?

Picard:

NO!!!! The Borg!!!!

Picard glances over to see that Wesley is aiming his phaser at the Romulan.

Picard:

Wesley, now!

Wesley fires once, which makes him stumble backward, firing wildly. The Romulan is hit, and disappears, the phaser then hits Dr. Crusher in the head, she disappears. A third shot hits the stacked barrels which tumble on top of Worf.

Picard:

Umm ... nice shootin', Tex.

Wesley:

Thank you, sir ... but my name is Wes.

Picard, Data, and Wesley walk over to where Worf is laying with a barrel on his back.

Picard:

Mr. Worf, are you all right?

Worf:

Do I LOOK all right???!!!

Data:

The, ah, Klingon's got a point there, Cappy.

Wesley:

Worf, have you been released of the brainwashing effect?

Worf:

Yes, back to normal.

Picard:

Good, then you can report to clean up duty on Level 15.

Worf:

Aye, sir ... but can I make one request?

Picard:

Of course.

Worf:

GET THIS BARREL OFF MY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Data picks up the barrel and sets it beside Worf, then kicks him.

Data:

Get up, you lazy half breed.

Worf tries to stand up, but can't.

Worf:

I can't move!

Data picks up Worf's hand and lets it drop.

Data:

He's right, Johnny ... he seems to be, ah, paralysed.

Picard:

Para ...

Data:

No, not para ... paralysed.

Picard:

Hmmm ... first Wesley kills his own mother. Now this ... Two crew members in one episode.

Data looks through a book.

Data:

That is a new record, sir.

Picard:

Well, lets get him to sick bay and see if Doctor Kazoo can save him.

Cut to sick bay, where Dr. Kazoo and a visiting Dr. Pulaski (played by Audrey Hepburn) are looking at x-rays of Worf's back.

Kazoo:

Looks like we will not be able to repair his spinal cord.

Pulaski:

Nope ... any other ideas?

Kazoo:

Maybe we could try the new replacement system I developed last week.

Pulaski:

Is it safe?

Kazoo:

Doctor, now is not the time for old movie references.

Pulaski:

Indeed, sorry. But will Worf have a good chance to live?

Kazoo:

I can't tell.

Pulaski:

You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Kazoo:

No, I mean I don't know.

Pulaski:

Let's tell him what his alternatives are.

Cut to Worf laying on the table, later that day.

Worf:

Captain, I must ask a big favour of you.

Picard:

If its about the cheese rations, I told you we can't budge.

Worf:

No no no ...

Picard:

And no more autographs for Alexander ...

Worf:

Captain ... I request that you kill me.

Picard:

Kill you?? Why?

Worf:

I am useless now.

Picard:

To be honest with you, Worf, you were useless before.

Worf:

I know. But now I can't even move.

Picard:

Worf, I cannot kill you.

Worf:

If you do not, I will do it myself.

Picard:

For God's sake, Worf, show a little backbone ...

Worf frowns.

Picard:

Oh ... I'm sorry, Worf ... I didn't mean ...

Worf:

Sure, whatever.

Picard:

Don't you have any other options?

Worf:

There is the new replacement surgery suggested by Dr. Kazoo ... but there isn't much chance of recovery.

Picard:

Any chance would be better than just killing yourself.

Worf:

Are you ordering me to allow the surgery?

Picard:

Yes.

Worf:

Fine. Make it so.

Picard opens his mouth to respond as we fade out.

Fade back in to the lounge outside the operating room.

Picard:

What is taking them so long?

Data:

I believe the operation is, sir.

Picard:

Shut up, you pinhead.

Data mouths, "Pinhead?" and feels the top of his head. Pulaski and Kazoo come out.

Picard:

How did it go, Doctors?

Kazoo:

Well, there was extensive damage to his spinal cord. It was unrepairable and threatened his life.

Pulaski:

Dr. Kazoo's new technique was attempted to see if we could give Worf a replacement spinal cord. The operation went as well as could be.

Picard:

Then Worf is all right?

Pulaski:

Well, for a few minutes ... Worf was dead. But there is something that only a handful of Trekkers know ... Klingons have two of almost every organ in their body. Because he has two hearts, Worf should be able to function well enough while he recuperates ...

Kazoo:

You say his other heart also works?

Pulaski:

Yes, of course it does ... why do you ask?

Kazoo:

Ummm ... I thought it was just like spare parts and removed the newer one ...

Pulaski:

You mean????

Everyone looks into the camera.

Cut to the outside of the Enterprise as a photon tube is shot out and impacts with a star that is nearby. The star erupts as the Big E warp off into the distance. We fade to black and then back into closing theme and titles.