The Final Chapter

by Todd Alan Bobenrieth

Fade in to the Enterprise in dry dock.

Picard voice:

Captain's Log Stardate 48392.1. The Enterprise is dry docked at Starbase 29 while repairs are done on the warp engines. The crew has begun its much needed shore leave.

Cut to a tennis court where Ro is playing against Picard.

Ro:

You know, Captain, you really should think about quitting.

Picard:

But we've only been out here for a year.

Ro:

No, I mean this tennis match, you're down by three games already.

Pan over to the scoreboard: Ro-3 games , Picard-0 games.

Picard:

Yes, I see your point. Perhaps you are right.

Ro starts to walk off the court and Picard serves the ball into the open side.

Picard:

HAH! I win! NAAH NAAH!!! I'm the best!!!

Ro throws her racquet at Picard.

Cut to holodeck where Wesley, Data, O'Brien, and LaForge are standing in a diamond shape close to each other.

Data:

Is everyone ready? Lets begin. (Blows into a harmonica)

ALL:

Is this the real life ... is this just fantasy. Caught in a wormhole, escape from reality. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see ...

Wesley:

I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.

ALL:

Because I'm easy come, easy go.

Data & Wesley:

Little High

LaForge & O'Brien:

Little Low

Wesley:

Any way the wind blows

ALL:

Doesn't really matter to me ...

Wesley:

To me ... (A holographic image of Riker starts playing the keyboard line)

Wesley:

Mama, just killed a Rom. Put a phaser to his head, pushed the button, now he's dead. Mama, life has just begun, and now I've gone and thrown it all away. Mama ... oooohhhh, didn't mean to make you die. If I'm court-martialled here this time tomorrow, carry on ... carry on ... cuz it doesn't really matter. Too late ... my time has come. Sent shivers down my spine, cadets whining all the time. Goodbye everybody, I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind or face Jean-Luc ... Mama ... oooohhhhh

Other 3:

Anyway the wind blows

Wesley:

I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

The other 3 hold up signs saying "So Do We!" as a holographic image of Worf plays the guitar line.

Wesley:

I see a little Telerite on the viewer.

Other 3:

Scare Jean Luc, Scare Jean Luc, will you do the Borg dance, though?

ALL:

Phaserbolt and fighting, very very frightening, ME!

Data & Wesley:

Galileo

O'Brien & LaForge:

Galileo

Data & Wesley:

Galileo

O'Brien & LaForge:

Galileo

ALL:

Galileo Shuttle, oh

Data & Wesley:

Stargazer, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wesley:

I'm just a bright boy, everybody loves me.

Other 3:

He's just a bright boy, from a bright family. Spare us his life from this monstrosity.

Wesley:

Easy come, easy go, you can't make me go.

Other 3:

This moron, GO! We want this boy to go!

Data & LaForge:

Make him go!

Other 3:

This moron, we want this boy to go!

Data & LaForge:

Make him go!

Other 3:

Want this boy to go.

Data & LaForge:

Make him go.

Other 3:

Want this boy to go.

Wesley:

Never

Other 3:

Make him goooooooooooooooo.

ALL:

Go go go go go go GO!

Wesley:

Oh mama mia, mama mia.

Other 3:

Mama mia's dead, you know. Beverly C's got a devil for a son. Wesley ... Wesley ... WesLEY!!!!!

The intercom beeps.

Picard:

Emergency meeting in Conference Room 23. Get there on the double, hurry it up, step on it, pronto, right away ...

ALL:

ALL RIGHT!!!!!

Picard:

Picard out.

They all look at each other.

Wesley:

Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters, nothing really matters ... to ... me.

The holographic Riker finishes up the keyboard line.

ALL:

Anywhere the wind blows ...

Data lightly bangs the gong.

Data:

Program off.

The images of Worf and Riker disappear as the four exit.

Fade to Conference Room 23, where Picard is dancing with Ro. The four enter the room and Picard pushes Ro away.

Picard:

How dare you touch the Captain!

Ro sits down and pouts.

Picard:

I suppose you are all wondering why I called you in here.

Data:

Gee, ah, no, Cappy, the thought never crossed our minds.

The four begin to snicker.

Picard:

Shut up, you four.

Ro is snickering also. Picard slaps her across the forehead.

Picard:

There is an unknown ship destroying outposts in the Dewey Decimal System.

Data:

Then how do we know they are ships if they are unknown?

The others begin to chuckle.

Picard:

Well what do you suppose it was ... airborne toasted cheese sandwiches???

LaForge:

Come on, sir ... that's impossible.

Data:

Geordi is correct, Johnny. There are no records of anything being attacked by flying consumables.

Picard glares at the others and wipes his forehead.

Picard:

We have been instructed to go to the Dewey Decimal System and find out what is destroying the outposts. Also we have been assigned a special guest admiral for our journey.

O'Brien:

And who might that be sir?

"Also Sprach Zarusthra" starts playing over the intercom as the doors slide open. The camera shows everyone's shocked faces from over the admiral's shoulder.

Picard:

Computer, tell us a little about our special guest.

Computer:

Our guest hails from Iowa. He is a former Starship captain and was an admiral for a while, please welcome, Mr. James T. KIRK!!!

The crew starts to clap as Kirk arrogantly walks in. We close up on Kirk's sneering face as we fade out.

Fade back in to the Enterprise, now speeding to the Dewey Decimal System.

Picard voice:

Captain's Log: Stardate 48321.2: We are on route to the Dewey Decimal System, where outposts have been mysteriously destroyed. We have a special passenger on board as well. Former Starfleet Admiral James T. Kirk. Our last meeting with Kirk was in a twentieth century court arranged by Q.

Cut to observation lounge, where Kirk is doing one handed push ups.

Ro:

Isn't he incredible??!!!

Picard:

He's an old man. What ... does he think he's Jack Palance or something?!

Ro:

He's still incredible.

Picard:

(Folds his arms) Show off.

Kirk gets up and the crowd applauds.

Ro:

Sir, if I may ask, exactly how old are you?

Data:

He is one hundred thirty-four years of age.

Kirk gives him a mean look and points behind the crowd.

Kirk:

LOOK!!!!

Everyone looks back as Kirk hits Data with a sledgehammer.

Kirk:

Sorry, I thought I saw Elvis.

Everyone crowds around Kirk as Data falls to the floor.

Cut to the bridge, Picard enters.

Picard:

Mr. O'Brien, how much farther to the Dewey Decimal System?

O'Brien:

Not far now.

Picard looks around and twiddles his thumbs.

Picard:

Mr. O'Brien, how much farther?

O'Brien:

Not far now.

Picard sighs and wipes his forehead.

Picard:

Is it any farther???

ALL:

YES IT IS!!!!

Picard sinks into his chair. Data, Ro & Wesley come onto the bridge.

Data:

So, Cappy, what is up?

Picard:

We are still heading to those outposts.

Ro:

Captain, may I see you in your quarters ...?

Picard:

Oh, very well ... on screen.

Viewer switches to Picard's Room, earlier that day. Picard is eating breakfast.

Ro:

That will do, sir ... thank you.

O'Brien:

Captain, subspace message coming in from Starfleet Headquarters. Priority One.

Picard:

I'll take it in my ready room.

Picard exits and Data sits in the Captain's chair, where O'Brien has just vomited. Data slides down.

Cut to ready room. Picard switches on viewer to show the Commodore.

Picard:

Oh, hello Commodore, how are you today?

Commodore:

Oh, I'm fine now, but last week I was in rough shape.

Picard:

Really, what was the matter?

Commodore:

I found out that my wife was cheating on me.

Picard:

Is that so?

Commodore:

Yeah, oh, I didn't find out all at once. It was little by little. Well, once I went into a bar and told the bartender to surprise me, he shows me a naked picture of my wife.

Picard:

Really?

Commodore:

Yeah, I came home last week and saw a guy jogging with no clothes on so I asked him, "How come?" He says, "Cuz you came home early." Ahhh, there's nothing like going into a men's room and seeing your phone number on the wall. And she's dumb too!

Picard:

Oh?

Commodore:

Yeah, once someone stole her personal shuttlecraft. I said, "Did you get a look at the guy?" She says, "No, but I got the license plate number!"

Picard:

Commodore, did you signal me for a reason?

Commodore:

Yeah, sure. Sector 32 reports three giant cubes approaching.

Picard:

The Borg?

Commodore:

We don't think so. These ships are multicoloured.

Picard:

Perhaps the Ferengi spray painted the ships.

Commodore:

Well, they are heading your way.

Picard:

I guess we found out what was destroying those outposts.

Commodore:

That's what we thought originally, but these cubes are coming from a different direction.

Picard:

A different direction?

Commodore:

That's right, they will be entering your sector shortly. Three days max.

Picard:

I see. And don't call me Max! Ohhh, by the way, which are we supposed to do, investigate the outposts or wait for the new ships?

Commodore:

Do what you want. (Adjusts his red tie)

Picard:

Fair enough, sir. And good luck with your wife.

Commodore:

Like everyone ELSE hasn't got lucky with her!

The screen switches to the HBO insignia.

Cut to the bridge, where the crew is intently watching the viewer.

Picard:

Now what?!

He looks at the screen which shows the crew looking at themselves.

Geordi:

Sir, they look just like us.

Picard:

Mr. LaForge, you have the viewer on mirror.

LaForge:

Oh (Hits button)

The viewer switches to space in front of them, where there is a Borg ship.

Picard:

Oh NO!

Suddenly the Borg ship explodes and a giant multicoloured cube replaces it. Cut to a wide shot of the cube and Enterprise as we fade out.

Cut to Enterprise bridge.

Wesley:

WOW, that's even bigger than the Borg ship!

Picard:

Mr. O'Brien, hail them.

O'Brien:

They are not responding, sir.

Data:

Sir ... a hypothesis ...

Picard jumps up and looks around rapidly.

Picard:

WHERE??? WHERE??!!!!

Ro:

What's wrong, sir?

Picard:

Data saw a hypothesis. The ship may already be infested.

Data:

Sir, a hypothesis is an educated guess.

Picard looks embarrassed.

Picard:

What is it, Data?

Data:

How about raising shields ...

Picard:

You saw what that thing did to the Borg ship, and THEY have better shields.

O'Brien:

Sir, they are hailing us.

Kirk enters from the turbolift.

Kirk:

On screen.

Picard glares at Kirk. The viewer switches to a shot of the cube's bridge. Six aliens are lined up side by side. Each is wearing a different coloured uniform.

Picard:

I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise.

Aliens:

Ewwwww!

Picard:

Identify yourself.

Blue:

I am called Blue.

Geordi:

Cool Blue?? I saw that movie!

Picard waves him off.

Red:

I am called Red.

The rest introduce themselves, then switch places.

Picard:

What race are you?

Green:

We are Rubiks!

O'Brien:

Sir, their ship is changing its form.

Picard:

Explain.

O'Brien:

Well, you know. At first it looks like something, then it becomes something else.

Picard:

I mean ... HOW is it changing???!!!

O'Brien:

The colours on the exterior of the ship are moving into different positions, creating a new pattern.

Cut to exterior shot of the Rubik ship, which is changing colours. Cut back to the bridge of the Enterprise.

Picard:

Greetings, Rubiks, I would like you to meet special envoy, James T. Kirk.

Green:

Ohhhhhhh, I heard he is the best Captain in all Federation history and none other have come close to matching his popularity.

Picard winces and looks back to a smirking Kirk.

Kirk:

Thank you, thank you. But ... what ... is your purpose in this sector?

Yellow:

We have come to wipe out that which you fear the most.

Geordi:

Brandon Tartikoff?

Blue:

No ... the Borg!

Close up of Picard's shocked face.

Kirk:

Destroy the Borg??? What have they done to you??

Red:

They have destroyed our worlds as they have done to so many others.

Kirk:

Another question is ... how do we fit in to this operation?

Orange:

You do not. You will return to your Earth and await our arrival.

Picard:

Await your arrival? Why would you go to Earth?

Green:

To tell your world of our victory over the enemy.

Kirk:

(Aside to Picard) I don't like the sound of this ...

Picard (to Kirk):

Nor do I.

A beeping sound comes from the Rubik bridge.

Red:

Apparently there is a Borg sighting in the sector beside this one. We shall investigate. Please retain your position in our absence.

The Rubiks warp away.

Geordi:

That's a pretty ship.

Data:

Very observant my, ah, blind friend.

Picard:

I don't entirely trust these beings.

Geordi:

But, sir ... you've known us for over a year now.

Picard:

I'm referring to the Rubiks.

Geordi nods in understanding.

Kirk:

Exactly what do you propose we do?

Picard:

Should we stay and wait for them or go visit the destroyed outposts ...

Data:

Sir, if I may ... what would be the use of visiting destroyed outposts? The culprits are obviously either the Borg or the Rubiks.

Picard:

Quite true. I believe it would be in our best interests to contact Starfleet Headquarters.

Kirk:

Exactly ... I'll get right on it.

Kirk goes into the ready room and Picard is livid.

Cut to inside the Ready Room. Kirk switches on the terminal.

Commodore:

I trust everything is going as planned?

Kirk:

Yes, except Picard is becoming suspicious.

Commodore:

That is too bad. Shortly he will be no more and we will control the galaxy.

Kirk:

Exactly.

Kirk rolls up his sleeve to display his arm, which is pure white.

Cut back to the bridge where Picard is playing ping pong with Ro.

Picard:

It was an interesting idea to bring this recreation table on the bridge to avoid long journeys back and forth to the appropriate areas.

Ro:

Yes sir, now if you could only win a game.

Ro blasts the ball past Picard. The klaxons suddenly go off, causing Picard to jump up on the table.

Picard:

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???!!!!

Data:

Sir, twelve ships are approaching.

Picard:

Shut off that noise ... put the ships on screen.

The viewer switches to a shot of twelve cubes approaching.

O'Brien:

That's a lot of Borg.

Picard:

Oh my God!

Cut to an exterior shot as the ships surround the Enterprise. Cut back to the bridge.

Picard:

What's going on ... why haven't they fired?

Ro:

Sir, they are hailing us.

Picard:

On screen.

The screen switches to a shot of Hugh (Jonathan Del Arco).

Geordi:

Hugh!!!

Hugh:

Geordi!! Captain Picard!!

Picard:

Hugh ... we thought you had been retrained by the collective conscious.

Hugh:

I had been ... but I came out of it. The friendship I brought with me has spread to the rest of the conscious.

Picard:

Then why are these Rubiks trying to destroy you???

Hugh:

They are an evil race. They have already destroyed most of our race.

Data:

How is that possible?

Hugh:

They have developed a new weapon. The colours on the outside of their ship are not just colours ... they are power sources. And when the colours are in synch, their power will be at a peak ... and their ultimate weapon will be operational. Our home world was obliterated by it.

Picard:

That's ... that's weird.

Hugh:

We have come to warn you. They intend to do to your race as they have done to ours.

Geordi:

That sucks.

Picard:

Then this is all a charade!

Hugh:

Unfortunately so.

Picard:

Hugh, can you hold for a second.

Hugh:

Of course.

Ro cuts off transmission.

Picard:

How do we know that he is still the Hugh that we knew. He could just be a ploy by the Borg to trick us.

Kirk:

That's what I think! The Borg cannot be trusted.

Data:

But sir, why would they need to trick us ... one ship almost annihilated us let alone the twelve that confronts us now.

Kirk:

Maybe they want us to lead them to Earth.

Picard:

They know where Earth is ... do you?

Kirk:

You brought me from there.

Picard:

No, we picked you up at Starbase 29 ... you aren't really James T. Kirk are you?

Kirk:

Of course I am ... Data ... shoot him!

Data takes out his phaser.

Picard:

Data stop!

Data puts the phaser away.

Picard:

Who are you, really? You aren't the real Kirk, are you?

Kirk:

I'm Captain Kirk!! I AM CAPTAIN KIRK!!!!

Picard:

Kirk isn't a captain anymore! Who ARE YOU?!

A bright glow appears around Kirk as he changes into his true form ... the white member of the Rubiks.

White:

Satisfied??

Picard:

Indeed. It appears as though we stopped you in the nick of time.

White:

Incorrect, fool!!!

Suddenly phaser bolts hit several Borg ships and they explode.

White:

You forgot about our ship ... by the way ... its back!

Cut to a close up of White's grinning face.

White:

Well, looks as though you are against the wall.

Cut to Picard who is up against the wall.

Picard:

So? It helps my back.

White:

Put my ship on your viewscreen.

Ro obeys.

Red:

Ah, white ... I see that the cat is out of the bag.

Data:

Spot? (Looks down around his console)

White:

Yes, we are ready to head to Earth.

Blue:

We shall beam you aboard now.

White dematerialises and appears on the Rubik bridge.

White:

Just so you know that this is nothing personal, we will wipe out these Borg vessels.

Picard:

Ahh, mighty white of you.

The crew groans. Suddenly, all but Hugh's ship are destroyed.

Geordi:

This reminds me of a show I saw on Cinemax last week.

Picard:

Dammit, Geordi, not now.

Geordi sighs and looks back at the screen.

Picard:

Patch me in to the Borg.

The screen switches to Hugh.

Hugh:

You gotta love fireworks.

Picard:

Yes, Hugh ... but we must try to stop them.

Hugh:

That would be wise ... lets begin.

Cut to outside, where the Enterprise gets behind the Rubiks and the Borg get in front. The Borg fire at the Rubiks, knocking them back over the Big E.

Cut to the bridge.

Ro:

The old schoolboy trick ... works every time.

Cut back to an exterior shot of the Rubiks turning toward the Borg ship. It fires and blows the vessel out of space.

Geordi:

HUGH!!!

Picard:

FIRE ALL WEAPONS!!!!!

The Enterprise unloads with everything it's got ... nothing is working.

Picard:

Fire the Main Deflector Dish!

The dish powers up and fires a massive amount of power at the Rubiks. It doesn't work either.

Geordi:

Sir, the ship can't hold out any longer ... we are out of power.

Data:

(In perfect Scottish burr) Saints preserve us.

Ro:

Sir, we are dead in space.

Picard:

We have nothing left?

Geordi:

Life support only. Emergency is failing ...

Picard:

Computer ... this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard ...

Data:

Sir ... their ship is changing again ... they are almost complete in their colour organisation.

Picard:

Computer ... activate destruct sequence.

Computer:

Are you NUTS!!!???

Picard:

Just do IT!

Computer:

Awaiting your Command Code.

Picard:

Destruct code 1:1A!

Data:

This is Commander Data. Destruct Code 2:1A, 2B.

Computer:

Destruct code complete. This ship will self destruct ... in five minutes.

Picard:

Well ... anybody for some sex?

Ro jumps on him as they fall into the Command Chair.

Data:

Sir ... their colours are in synch ... the weapon is on line.

Picard pushes Ro away.

Picard:

Ummm ... ummm .... get everyone into the lifeboats.

Data:

There is not, ah, sufficient time, sir.

Picard:

So, this is it ... the end of the Enterprise.

Geordi:

Sir, an energy pattern is forming aboard their ship. It must be their weapon.

Computer:

Self destruct in one minute.

The screen switches to the Rubik bridge.

Green:

Well, looks like you have become ... how do you say ... history??!!

Picard:

History.

Green:

That is what I thought.

Red:

Goodbye, Picard.

The screen switches back to the Rubik ship.

Computer:

Five ... four ... three ... two ... one ... wipe out.

A bright light flashes and Picard covers his eyes. The light dies down and he finds himself sitting in his command chair. Picard looks to the left, where Riker is sitting in his chair. To his left is Troi.

Picard:

Am I in Heaven?

Lwaxanna enters off the turbolift.

Lwaxanna:

Jean-Luc, you delicious hunk of manhood.

Picard:

Or hell????!!!

Riker:

Captain ... wasn't I just dead?

Troi:

I vaguely remember Worf shooting me aboard the Borg ship.

Worf:

Sorry about that, Councillor.

Picard:

But how did you all get here?

Suddenly, Q appears in a bright flash.

Picard:

Q?

Q:

Indeed, Captain. Glad to see me?

Picard:

Truthfully Q, there is no one I'd rather be looking at right now.

Q:

Funny ... I hear that a lot.

Picard:

Where exactly are we?

Q:

Ask your navigator.

Picard:

Wesley ... where are we?

Wesley:

It seems we are still in the Dewey Decimal System.

Picard:

Are there any ships in the area?

Data:

None are being detected.

Picard:

Q ... why? I thought you didn't like us.

Q:

I decided I would be even more bored than usual if I let you die.

Picard:

Why ... thank you very much. I wish there was a way I could repay you.

Q:

Actually there is. I would like Guinan to apologise to me.

Guinan steps forward.

Picard:

Do it, Guinan.

Guinan looks back and forth from Picard to Q.

Guinan:

Umm, Q.

Q:

Yes, Guinan?

Guinan:

Uh, I still think you are a jerk.

Q frowns.

Guinan:

But a nice one at that.

Q:

Fair enough.

Guinan walks toward the turbolift and punches Worf.

Worf:

Ouch.

Guinan:

Had to take it out on someone.

Guinan exits. Dr. Crusher steps up to Q.

Crusher:

Q, I never had a flair for appreciating your remarkable talents, but I just wish to inform you that I think right now that I could learn to love you.

Q:

Do you want to hit her, or should I just beam her to Detroit?

Picard:

Ah ... well ... just make her sleep for a day or twenty.

Beverly is beamed back to her quarters, fast asleep.

Q:

I shall leave you now. Fare thee well and behave. Remember ... I may be back.

Q vanishes, leaving the crew mystified as nice, serene music plays.

Picard:

Well, looks as though Q has finally seen the light of day.

Geordi:

Sir, if he hasn't seen it until now there's something really wrong.

Picard:

I mean he has developed a bit of decency.

Riker:

Well, sir. What do we do now?

Picard:

Well, I suppose a little shore leave wouldn't be out of the question.

Troi:

My sentiments exactly sir.

Picard:

Wesley ...

Wesley:

Sir ... I have a question to ask.

Picard:

By all means ... ask.

Wes looks down at the control panel at a red button that was never there before then looks back at Picard.

Wesley:

Sir ... uh ... what's this button for???

Picard tries to yell NO!!!! as Wes presses the button. Suddenly the Enterprise starts to explode from the tail section and moving up toward the bridge.

Picard:

Figures it had to end this way.

The explosions rip through every section and reach the bridge ... Suddenly Frazier wakes up.

Frazier:

Where am I?

Norm and Cliff are looking down at him.

Norm:

You took a pretty nasty bump, Frazier. Ya ok?

Frazier:

Um, yes ... how long have I been out?

Cliff:

Uh, about 2.36243467 minutes.

Frazier:

Didn't I say to round off numbers when you were talking to me?

Cliff:

Uh, not that I can remember there, Fras (pronounced Frase).

Carla:

Get up now, you're blocking the customers who want to use the bar.

Sam:

So ... you're all right, then?

Frazier:

Yeah, but I had the strangest dream while I was under. You were there Sam. And you, Carla, and you and you and you, Norm.

Norm:

Ah ... nice.

Frazier:

It was so realistic.

Rebecca:

Well, its all over now.

She opens a new pack of cigarettes. Everyone returns to their normal positions and life begins anew.

Woody:

So can I get you anything?

Frazier:

How about a tall cold one.

Woody:

Lilith went to get a doctor when you fell, Mr. Crane.

Frazier:

I mean I'd like a beer.

Woody:

Coming right up.

A blonde sits down beside Frazier.

Blonde:

I'd like a blueberry dacquery.

The drink is set down in front of her. Frazier notices the blue liquid and looks up at her. Its Diane, now sporting a Sela-like haircut. Frazier screams and falls off his chair as we pan up to the television where the Enterprise warps away as titles appear. The screen fades to black.