VAX Trek

by David J. Young (cnbr10@vaxa.strath.ac.uk)   22 August 1990

VAX Trek V The Movie: The Crunchy Bits
These are the voyages of the VAXShip Enterkey ... Its five cpu minute mission to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy files ... To boldly split infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists.

Episode 1

Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31 Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm about to be interrupted by Scotty.

Scotty:

Scott to bridge ... Scott to bridge ...

Jim:

Go ahead Mr. Scott.

Scotty:

Cap'n, Cap'n ... the dilithium crystals canna take any more!

Jim:

All right all right you have permission to divert the power back to the main engines and disconnect my home beer making kit.

Scotty:

Thanks cap'n.

Jim:

Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today ...

Sulu:

Aw siiiir ... do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys anyway ...

Jim:

Listen ... this must be seen to be a democratically run ship ... The plebs on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones.

Scotty:

So why do I get a red one?

Jim:

Don't you see? ... Someone important has to have one to make them believe it's perfectly safe to wear a red one ... but of course yours just looks red ... it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor built in.

Spock:

It's perfectly logical ... Captain.

Jim:

Shut up Spock, you pointy eared weirdo.

Spock:

As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer from ... but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your teeth in.

Jim:

You do value having a blue jersey, don't you Spock ?

Spock:

Emmm ... yes captain

Jim:

Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one.

Spock:

Sorry sir ... won't happen again.

Lt. Uhura:

Sir, is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr. Scott's?

Jim:

No ... yours is a real red one ... you get killed in the next episode.

Lt. Uhura:

In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode. I can get another acting job easily.

Jim:

Fair enough ... but how do you propose to get home?

Lt. Uhura:

But I thought ...

Jim:

I know ... you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?

Lt. Uhura:

Basically ... yes ...

Jim:

A popular misconception ... don't worry though ... we meet up with a supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time.

Lt. Uhura:

But I get killed in the next episode ... it'll be too late ...

Jim:

Hmm ... Scotty ... if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the fusion reactor field, and plugged the pac-man cartridge into the games console in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before episode 2?

Scotty:

No ... but if we press this big orange button here ...

NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.

NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.

Jim:

You're a genius Scotty ...

Episode 3

Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42 By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before episode 2, thus saving Lt. Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an earth bound supply ship, which Lt. Uhura will journey home aboard ... thus avoiding the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till episode 2.

Jim:

Mr. Sulu ... let me know when we hit the supply ship.

Spock:

Jim ...

Jim:

Quiet Spock! Can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?

Sulu:

Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad.

Jim:

Well try not to do so much damage this time ... the Federation had to write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a Federation Court Martial.

Sulu:

I've taken lessons since then ... I can steer the ship fine now.

Spock:

Jim ...

Jim:

Shut up Spock ... I'm still addressing Mr. Sulu ...

Sulu:

As I was saying ... I've now realised that the secret of steering the Enterkey properly is to look where you're going ... quite obvious really.

Spock:

Jim ... I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr. Sulu, but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might be of considerable interest to both of you.

Jim:

Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!

Sulu:

I beg your pardon?

Jim:

Quick you fool!... slam on the brakes! ... Scotty give us full reverse warp drive power!!!!

Scotty:

The dilithium crystals canna take it captain ...

Jim:

Right! ... activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens ... this is a red alert ... we're going to have to attempt a crash landing.

Sulu:

Are you sure we can do that sir?

Jim:

Yes you idiot ... it's in the script. That big green button to your left that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage.

Sulu:

Oh! ... so THAT's what it does ... OK then ... undercarriage lowered ... we're going in ... hang on to yer trousers ...

Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe. It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now coming over Frodo ... Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float around the room. Gandalf, who was also partaking of the evil weed, FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its ears and floated round the room.

Gandalf:

(suddenly sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside the window) Like heaveee man ... what was that bang I just heard?

Frodo:

It's just the start of the percussion section ... you know ... we're on the third side now ...

Gandalf:

I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans ... and that bloody record player is an anachronism anyway ... you should get rid of it.

He gets up from his chair and staggers toward the small round window.

Gandalf:

Oh bugger ... it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody star ship ... they've crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.

With faint signs of annoyance sweeping over his face, he straightens out his flares, buckles his sandals and makes for the door. Frodo scurries after in a state of bemused excitement.

Episode 2

Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42 We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the standard Federation star maps ... or at least that's Mr. Sulu's excuse. Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp drive unit we cannot take off.

Scotty:

You BASTARD!!

Jim:

Pardon???!?

Scotty:

You do it deliberately don't you? You wreck my engines every episode.

Jim:

Calm down Scotty ... I promise we'll get them fixed.

Scotty:

You've been taking a sneak look at the script again, haven't you?

Jim:

emmm ... er ... no of course not ... I just get the feeling we'll get them fixed by the end of today's episode.

Scotty:

And how do you propose to go about fixing them?

Jim:

Well first of all we'll need a landing party ... any volunteers?

Spock:

I'll come ...

Scotty:

... och OK I'll come ...

Jim:

Right let's go ... we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way down ...

10 minutes later, they stand outside the Enterkey on what appears to be a rough cobbled road.

Jim:

Hmmm ... a road eh ... a sign of civilisation ... set your phasers to 'kill'. Give me a tricorder reading Spock.

Spock:

Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture ...

Scotty:

I should bloody well hope so ... and anyway ... Federation Standard Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet.

Spock:

That's Federation bureaucrats for you ... Someone should point out to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once you're actually there ...

Scotty:

But ... but ... but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?

Spock:

It always is ...

Jim:

Anything else on the tricorder Spock?

Spock:

Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals ... here listen ...

Tricorder:

... it's a brand new dance now ... come on baby ... do the locomotion ...

Jim:

Primitive indeed ...

Spock:

I bet she's got nice legs though.

Jim:

Spock! ... what's wrong with you ... that was Scotty's line ...

Scotty:

Never mind that ... look!

Scotty points frantically at an approaching angry crowd, led by a tall white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat.

Jim:

Right ... guards ... blast them first ... ask questions later.

The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim ...

Episode 4

Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (Entry made by outdoor battery operated log.) We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives ... Two of our guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of Phaser fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me now ... probably to parley ... hold on he's getting very close and is still walking at quite a pace ... umph! ...

Gandalf:

Oh eck ... sorry ... eyesight's not s'good as it used to be ...

Jim:

(Picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the ... err ... dust) That's all right.

Gandalf:

What were those red things, by the way? Were they annoying you too? ... I thought I better get rid of them before they did any harm.

Jim:

Those red THINGS were members of my ... err ... actually no ... I DON'T know what they were ... It IS lucky you blasted them ... they were about to attack us all I think.

Spock:

(In a confidential whisper) Well done Captain ... your diplomatic skills might be the best way to get around these savages.

Jim:

Why thank you Spock ... come to my cabin later on when we get back to the ship.

Gandalf:

Stop muttering Kirk ... I'm very angry with you

Jim:

(spluttering) How do you know my name!??!?

Gandalf:

Remember the old man you used to use as Phaser target practice when you were at Federation cadet school?

Jim:

Emmm ... yes ... that was YOU?

Gandalf:

Nope ... I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase in my early years ... just research really ... into the day to day lives of inanimate objects ... but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by disrupting the lives of these little people!

Jim:

I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either repair or replace our burnt out dilithium crystals.

Gandalf:

Bugger that! We want you out of here by teatime or else we'll have to take severe action!

Jim:

(glancing nervously at the two dead guards) emm ... right we'll do our best ...

Spock:

(pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow) I think we may be in luck Captain.

Jim:

Who is he?

Gandalf:

Damn dwarf of course ... They're building what they call the very latest in large scale construction projects ... the Hobbiton Megadrome ... It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre, shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one ... Groan ... what am I doing ... standing here nattering to you lot ... I'm off ... and I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!

Scotty:

Look Captain! ... in the wheelbarrow ... Dilithium crystals!

Jim:

Right ... we'll play this strictly by the book ... Spock, remind me of Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien life forms.

Spock:

Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1:

Hail the alien life forms in a friendly and diplomatic manner.

Jim:

Oi! Shorty! ... Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!

Dwarf:

(drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) Kryvh ne grok!

Spock:

I think we have a communication problem here Captain ...

Jim:

Rubbish! He understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway. Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe the Dilithium.

Spock:

I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain ... I fear I would not get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon.

Jim:

I love it when you talk dirty ...

Scotty:

I have a better plan ... we could all pretend to run off in sheer terror ... he chases us ... leaves the wheelbarrow ... and Spock slips back to grab the crystals ...

Jim:

I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary ... but anyway it's a brilliant plan! ... OK ... on the count of 3 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... RUN for it!

20 minutes later on board the Enterprise.

Spock:

The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully operational, Captain.

Jim:

That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a troop of guards on deck 3 ...

Spock:

How did he get on board?

Jim:

He chased us all the way! ... we didn't have time to shut the door behind us! ... We'll have to forget about him till later ... We have more urgent matters to attend to ... like getting off this planet ... What time do you make it Mr. Sulu?

Sulu:

230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir.

Jim:

Give me that in English, Sulu.

Sulu:

About teatime, sir.

Jim:

Hit the gas pedal Sulu! ... NOW!!

Sulu:

Aye aye Captain.

Spock:

(thinking quietly to himself) Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in populated areas ... ah, what the hell ... Ho hum ... eh? ... That's funny ... I seem to remember Lt. Uhura being taller ... and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all ...

Episode 5

Captain's Log Star date 3.1415927 We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the galaxy and ...

Spock:

Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic and inaccurate language? The word corner just has no meaning in relation to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable and poorly understood deeper concepts.

Jim:

... You do the damn log then smarty ...

BUMP !!!

Jim:

What the ...

Sulu:

Captain! ... We've stopped dead!

Jim:

Not AGAIN! ... what have you hit THIS time ... Yawn ... Bring up the forward view on the screen.

Sulu:

Aye aye Captain.

Jim:

I don't believe it ... I just DON'T believe it ...

Spock:

Highly illogical ...

Sulu:

It would appear to be a large ... wall ... in fact ... two large brick walls ... meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other ...

Spock:

Groan ...

Jim:

OK Spock, you're fired.

Spock:

But Captain!

Jim:

No buts ... you're off at the next Federation Star base.

Spock:

Wait ... this CAN'T be right ... let me try something ...

Fiddles with various scanner controls ...

Spock:

There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships behind the walls. It's obviously just an image thrown up by their cloaking device.

Jim:

Klingons! I might have known ... but how can a holographic image from a cloaking device actually feel solid? We did get quite a thump when we hit it after all ...

Spock:

Ah ... good point.

There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in one of the walls ... through which 3 Klingon battle cruisers emerge ...

Spock:

Bang goes that theory ... if you pardon the pun.

Jim:

This is getting silly ... who's writing this week's episode?

Sulu:

Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other episodes.

Jim:

OK ... we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly ... Anyway ... Uhura ... open all hailing frequencies and make contact with the Klingon vessels.

Uhura:

Aye aye sir ...

Jim:

... and one other thing Uhura ... get that beard seen to.

Uhura:

(standing up suddenly brandishing a Phaser) Grrrrr! OK I've had enough of you Kirk ... All of you ... over there ... and get your hands up.

Episode 6

Captain's Log Star date 42.424242 We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battle cruisers.

Uhura:

Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep your hands up!

Jim:

I was just doing my Captain's log.

Uhura:

I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk.

Spock:

Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that would you?

Uhura:

As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse their suspicions ...

Jim:

Oh no no, nothing of the sort ... Just the usual stuff about the engines, the crew, the ship in general really ...

Uhura:

Nothing about me?

Jim:

Nope ... it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually ...

Uhura:

Hmm ... all right then ... but check with me next time you want to do anything.

Jim:

(whispering) Phew! ... that was a close one Spock ... how long till Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?

Spock:

(whispering) 3.4212 hours approximately Captain.

Jim:

Damn ... how can we hold out here for over 3 hours? ... I feel like I need to go and powder my nose already ...

Checkov:

Here Captain, you can use mine (producing a make-up set from his handbag).

Jim:

Groan. Checkov ... you must learn not to translate everything literally into Russian ... when I say I want to powder my nose I mean ... oh forget it ...

Uhura:

Look you lot! Stop muttering ... just keep your hands up, and keep quiet! (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel) Purple Hamster calling Klingon battle cruisers, come in please ... Purple Hamster to Klingon battle cruisers ...

Voice:

This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster ... we read you loud and clear.

Uhura:

I have the crew at gunpoint ... please come aboard.

Jim:

Why the dirty little!! ... He's a Klingon agent.

Uhura:

Very observant of you Kirk.

Jim:

What are you after ... you ... fiend!

Uhura:

For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation Star ship ... and at last we have succeeded.

Spock:

The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated into its star ships ... they'll find out the secret of the warp drive system ... how our weapons work ... how our transporters work ...

Uhura:

Bugger all that ... we want to find out how to make our doors go 'Sheesh'.

Jim:

How do you know OUR doors go ... 'Sheesh'?

Uhura:

It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence ... It took us many years to find out, but our greatest scientists built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door noises on nearby star ships ...

Spock:

(whispering to Jim) Very ingenious ... but also extremely pointless ... Typical of the Klingons really ... they've a lot to learn ... and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they didn't ...

Uhura:

Shut up ... and stand at attention ... prepare to salute Commander F. J. Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion ...

Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.

Episode 7

Captain's Log Star date 42.5 Well ... the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.

Uhura:

Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?

Jim:

It's a LOG ... and YES I am doing it!

Uhura:

Good ... but remember ... no funny business ... and no mention of anything out of the ordinary.

Jim:

Yes yes ... don't worry.

Uhura:

By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of your crew into deep space.

Jim:

You fiend ... you'll never get away with this! ... and a triple fanged swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information out of me ...

Uhura:

Sorry ... did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?

Jim:

Ah ... It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b.

Uhura:

I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk. Guards! ... watch them carefully till I get back.

The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep an eye on the Enterprise crew members.

Jim:

That should give us some breathing space ... let's see now ... 236 cubicles ... at 1 cistern per cubicle ... that's 235 cisterns ... and at say 1 minute to search each one ... that makes ...

Spock:

Excuse me Captain ... shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?

Jim:

Should it?

Spock:

Well usually it has been my experience that 236 x 1 is 236, thus since there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean there are 236 cisterns.

Jim:

Are you sure you can do it that way? ... I remember actually counting all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and I'm pretty sure there were 235 ... though I suppose I could have miscounted ...

Spock:

Yes, well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would take something approaching 4 hours ... but you really have to take into account that on average he really only needs to search half of them ... indeed ... we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away ...

Jim:

Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of breathing space ... OK let's make the best of it ... Spock, remind me of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties.

Spock:

Look it up yourself ... there's the manual.

Jim:

Spock! That's an order!

Spock:

Listen ... I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself ... The Vulcan mind is for higher things ... I didn't want to be a ship's Science Officer anyway ... I wanted to be a lumberjack ... striding through the forests of British Columbia ... the maple, the larch ... the mighty Scots Pine! ...

Jim:

Hold him down! ... he's taken one of his funny turns ...

They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor.

Spock:

(muffled under a pile of bodies) I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK ...

Bones:

Keep him still while I administer the injection!

Spock:

... I wish I'd been a girlie ... just like my dear papa ...

Bones:

He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he wakes up he'll be back to normal.

Scotty:

By the way, Dr. McCoy, where did you appear from?

Bones:

I've been here all the time ... I just haven't had any lines for quite a while.

Scotty:

Me neither ... do you think they're trying to write us out of the series?

Jim:

Quiet you two ... the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.

Scotty:

Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm them ...

Jim:

Damn ... damn damn damn ...

Bones:

What is it?

Jim:

We did that bit all wrong ... Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE Spock went cuckoo.

Bones:

We'll have to think of something else then ... emmm ...

Checkov:

I have an idea Captain.

Jim:

Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!

Checkov:

But it might just work.

Jim:

Checkov, be QUIET! ... Now Bones, how about if we all started singing and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd jump on them.

Bones:

They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused ... so I reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play.

Jim:

Oh all right Checkov ... out with it!

Checkov:

This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast them with our phasers?

Jim:

(sarcastically) VERY clever Checkov ... and I suppose if YOU boarded an enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their weapons?

Checkov:

... THEY did ...

Jim:

Don't be stu ... uh! ... I DON'T believe it!

Checkov:

Can I fire first then?

Jim:

No, I'll shoot first ... ready? ... set phasers to kill ... fire!!

The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised ... along with a good deal of very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment in the panels behind them. (This has no significance to any future turn in the story ... I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping on the special effects).

Jim:

Right! ... to the turbo lift!

They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of the bridge.

Turbo lift door:

Sheesh ...

Crew:

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Episode 8

Forgetting that the turbo lift would not actually BE there at bridge level, the crew have charged through the door and fallen down the lift shaft ... luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up, and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft.

Jim:

What the ...

Scotty:

... where did all these jerseys come from??!!?

Jim:

Your guess is as good as mine Scotty ... wait a minute ... they're all yellow or blue ... this is VERY suspicious.

Bones:

Ah! ... so it's true ...

Jim:

What is?

Bones:

I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys ... but up till now I hadn't given it much credence.

Checkov:

That's a big word Dr. McCoy.

Jim:

Shut up Checkov ... I bet those two new Italian crew members, Nickedyatelli and Videonasti have got something to do with it ... Damn suspicious pair of characters they are ... hanging around the rec. rooms with their dark glasses and their violin cases.

Bones:

Yes, but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from ...

Jim:

(holding one up for close examination) Ha! ... by the look of them, they've knitted them themselves ... How on earth they expect ANYONE to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.

Scotty:

Cough ...

Jim:

What's the matter Scotty?

Scotty:

Uh ... oh ... nothing cap'n ... (fiddling frantically with some loose ends of wool from his own jersey ... which interestingly is yellow today rather than his usual red)

Bones:

Sssh! ... listen ... Uhura has returned to the bridge.

There is some cursing and swearing from below ... followed by an aha! ... followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone posing as a star ship's communications officer in a very short red skirt.

Spock:

... oooooooer ... what the ... uuugh ... get your hands off me you evil little man!

Uhura:

Where are your comrades, fool??!

Spock:

Comrades? ... ah so that's it ... you're some kind of pinko commie Marxist aren't you?

Uhura:

What!?

Spock:

It won't work you know ... it all depends on properly integrating the original class ridden social structure into a single party state where absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality. Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government wins you more medals at the Olympic games.

Uhura:

(waving his Phaser menacingly) Look ... I've had just about enough of you ... anyway I've found what I was looking for ...

Spock:

What? The door sound mechanism?

Uhura:

Yes ... though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern ...

Spock:

Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it.

Uhura:

Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you ... I'm off.

Spock:

You mean you're leaving? ...

Uhura:

That's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off' ... rather than 'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly' ... obviously from the context you can tell I didn't mean the latter.

Spock:

Oh I dunno ...

Uhura:

Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon flagship.

Jim:

Hold it right there ... (throwing a spare Phaser across to Spock)

Spock:

Well done Captain.

Jim:

Now drop your weapon Uhura ... and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the floor ... then raise your hands above your head.

Uhura:

Grrr ...

Checkov:

It's just like in the movies.

Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the bridge.

1st Being:

Greetings, we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe.

Jim:

Emm ... shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?

1st Being:

Well ... no actually ... 'Nobless' ... it's a bit embarrassing really.

Jim:

Look ... we're a bit busy at the moment ... (consulting a small black book) ... could you come back in the next episode?

1st Being:

2 o'clock, next Wednesday?

Jim:

Yes ... we should be able to fit you in about then ... I'll make a note of that ... see you then.

The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived.

Jim:

Right, where were we?

Checkov:

We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get to a Star base where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and treason.

There is a flash and a puff of thick smoke ... When the smoke clears, a small pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood.

Jim:

(re-holstering his Phaser) Honestly ... I just CAN'T be bothered with damn formalities.