This page last updated 10 October 1999

Share Minds but Kill the Kid

by Seth Meyer (smeyer@topaz.rutgers.edu)
28 October 1987

Sickbay. Kirk enters.

Kirk:

How is she Bones?

McCoy:

Well, Jim, I gave her a sedative but she keeps rambling on.

Troi:

Oh ... pain ... share minds ... never got to share ... mommy ...

McCoy:

I told Nurse Chapel to leave. 'Mom' that is. I don't get the connection but it was driving Chapel crazy.

Kirk:

(rubbing his chin) Share minds ... hmm ... What does she mean by sharing minds?

McCoy:

I'm not sure ... It's like nothing I've ever encountered.

Kirk:

(presses button on wall intercom) Kirk to Spock ...

Spock:

Spock here captain.

Kirk:

Come to sickbay. We want you to help us with Troi.

Spock:

Affirmative Captain. But what shall I do with Wesley?

Kirk:

Explain.

Spock:

Well he said he's trying to reinvent Transwarp Drive.

Kirk:

Hmm ... Let him talk to Scotty.

Spock:

Acknowledged.

Spock enters sickbay.

Kirk:

Spock, we need you to mind meld with Troi here. Find out what you can.

Spock:

Acknowledged. (Places fingers carefully on Troi's face) Our minds are getting closer and closer ...

Troi:

Yesss ... Share minds ...

Spock:

Our minds are wow! (A smile appears on his face. He starts to blush, and begins to shudder uncontrollably. Spock's face begins to moisten with sweat, and both eyebrows are 'jumping' up and down. Finally, after three minutes, the contact is broken, though Spock's odd grin persists) oboy, oboy, oboy! Errr ... I mean fascinating.

Troi:

Oh yes! Joy! Pleasure! Satisfaction! Wonderful! Gratitude! Again!! (Chapel enters) Mom!! (Chapel exits, blushing) Confusion ... dismay ... pain ... oh the pain!! (Spock proceeds to mind meld again) Yes!! Joy! More!!

Kirk:

Keep her quiet and give me a report in an hour, Mr. Spock.

Spock:

If you ... uhhh ... insist.

Kirk:

Bones, lets go check up on Wesley.

They exit. Cut to Engineering.

Scotty:

... an' if ya ever try ta do that again, I'll take ya by yur bloody hair and send ya into space and torp' you, ya little ...

Kirk enters.

Scotty:

Captin'! Thank God yur here!

Kirk:

What happened?

Scotty:

Well, this little brat came down here an' used this here device ta make it sound like your voice, tellin me to come up to the bridge. When I found out you were in sickbay and that Wesley was going ta meet me, I ran back here but Wesley locked the Engineering doors. It took me a good two minutes to reprogram the computer to override Wesley's practical joke.

Wesley:

I'm sorry, but gee, it was fun!

Kirk:

Take it easy Scotty. He really meant no harm.

Scotty:

Aye Captin, but the little bugger better watch his step, or I might use the transporter to get rid of his brain.

Wesley and Kirk leave Engineering.

Kirk:

Wesley, you better watch what you do around here. Another stunt like that and you will be confined.

Wesley:

Gee, Captain, I only want everyone to know how smart I am. (He looks up at Kirk at notices his hair) Gee, you having hair problems? Picard did too, 'cept he didn't use a toupee. He's a real boring guy. Hey how's Troi?

Kirk:

(Yelling and waving arms in old dramatic-Kirk-like fashion) Listen Wesley, you have the opportunity ... to make something of yourself. Don't blow it by doing stupid things.

Wesley:

Gee, you don't have to be so dramatic ...

Kirk:

(Slamming Wesley into corridor wall) Listen you stupid little jackass! After Charlie X, Trelayne, Miri & Jahn, and the children from Triacus you're nothing. If you ever try to get wise to me or to any of my crew, I will put you over my knee and ... (high pitched whistle from intercom, Kirk pushes the intercom button) ... What!?

McCoy:

I'm in sickbay, Jim. Sorry to disturb you, but its Spock. I ... I think you better get down here.

Kirk:

Why? Has Spock died again?

McCoy:

Now!

Kirk:

On my way.

Kirk, followed by Wesley, runs into the turbo-lift. Sickbay, Kirk and Wesley enter.

Kirk:

What is it Bones ohmygodisthatSpock?

Wesley:

Gosh!

Kirk and Wesley look in shock at Spock and Troi. Spock is sitting next to Troi. They are both smoking cigarettes, and staring into one another's eyes. Spock has the biggest grin on his face.

McCoy:

Well, Jim, Spock seems to be in total bliss. I haven't encountered anything like this since you and that Deltan. I think Spock's life is in danger.

Kirk:

Don't spend too much time worrying about it Bones ... Spock will pull through ... He's a regular. However, I think I will need some time alone with Troi, in my quarters.

Wesley:

Oh yeah! Jimmy boy is gonna do Troi!

Kirk:

(Aside to Wesley) Shut up kid!

Scene 4. Bridge.

Chekov:

Cowordinites Captin'?

Kirk:

Hmmmmmm ...

Sulu:

(To Chekov) I don't understand it. He's been like that since that session he had with Troi.

Chekov:

(Shrugs, and repeats) Cowordinates Captin'?

Wesley:

Yo Captain! The ruskie asked you for co-ordinates!

Kirk:

(Suddenly remembering where he is and what he should be doing and that the kid is still on his ship) Set a course for the neutral zone. (Presses button on chair) Scotty, I need maximum warp now!

Scotty:

I can give ya warp 9.

Kirk:

(Almost whispering into chair intercom) Look, do you want to get rid of the kid or not?

Scotty:

I'll have warp 11 for ya in a jiffy. Scott out.

Wesley:

Warp 11 is impossible!! Maximum logical warp is 10, stupid! I should know.

Kirk:

(Into chair intercom) Security, come to bridge and confine Wesley. Strip search him and I want a twenty-four hour watch on him.

Security Head:

Aye, Sir.

Kirk:

Uhura, send a message to Starbase 5, code 2, that the highly valuable commodity, Wesley, is aboard, but we are having engine problems and are heading for the neutral zone.

Uhura:

But sir, the Klingon-Romulan Empire have broken code two a long time ago.

Kirk:

I know (Smiles to Uhura.)

Exiting warp speed ...

Spock:

We are in the neutral zone, Jimbo.

Kirk:

(To Spock) Jim! You used to call me Jim! Remember? (Sighs, and then speaks into chair intercom) Scotty, I need you to transport Wesley into the first Klingon ship that enters transportation range, and then get us out of here.

Scotty:

Aye! That'll be a pleasure. And if they thought tribbles were bad ...

Uhura:

Klingons are hailing us.

Kirk:

On viewer.

Klingon:

This is Captain Dk'ls of the star ship Tr'gn, representing the Klingon empire. Your presence here is an act of war. Give us the human known as Wesley or prepare to die.

Kirk:

(Into chair intercom) Now Scotty! (Turns) Go Sulu!!

Woooossssshhhhh!!!!!

In a more computerised looking universe ...

Picard:

What's wrong with you.

Crusher:

Shouldn't you be on the bridge? You're supposed to be monitoring the reattachment of the saucer section.

Picard:

No need. Its on automatic as usual. I'm letting Riker think he's doing it manually and ... What's wrong?

Crusher:

Dammit, its my son! Why did you get rid of him?

Picard:

I got rid of them so we could have better adventures. Troi was driving me crazy, and your son was such a brat. C'mon, we are finally alone ... no Wesley ... no crises ... lets get under the covers and ...

Crusher:

(Pushing Picard into the wall) You had no right to do that! He may of been a brat, but he was my son. There will be no future between us until you get my son back!! Don't come to me to console you during your next crisis!!!

Picard:

Oh all right. (Pressing insignia) Riker. Picard here. Separate the saucer section and lets go back and get Wesley and Troi.