This page last updated 19 February 2003

Con-Foundation

by Richard Schwartz (rex@kf6.so-net.ne.jp)
1980-ish

 

Siamese Revolt - (194 C.D. [Confoundation Dating] or 2,171,430 C.D. [Computer Dating] {all dates hereinafter referred to as C.D. [Compact Dating]}) The Siamese Revolt was that freak of history which occurred when both suns of a binary system, joined together at the corona, suddenly ... The twin cultures, Cheng and Ang, although separated, maintained an almost psychic relationship – for example, when Cheng suffered a crippling depression, Ang continued voting Republican ...

Laxen Devers paced back and forth in the room that had served as their prison cell for four hours. "I don't know what you're so calm about, Elder Barr. After all, it's your fault that we're in here."

The portly old man bestirred himself on his suspensor-stool. "I fail to see what action I could have taken to have spared either of us this brief jail term, sentence, incarceration."

"You know barming well! You could have told Rev. Lugose what he wanted to know so he'd let us go!"

Barr clucked at the naivete of the younger man. "How can you, a man of the Confoundation, be so naive as to the intentions of Bel Lugose? It is clear that he would not have settled for this information. His goal is to eliminate, eradicate, cancel humor from the Universe."

Devers was momentarily taken aback. He stuttered, "All right, but does that make him such a bad guy? I feel that way myself after watching Married with Children."

"It is more than that. By holding me hostage, that vampire also holds my family hostage: my brother Sallad Barr, my sister Topliss Barr."

The two lapsed into silence. Devers had been arrested by the lugubrious Rev. Lugose and his sorrow squad for peddling items likely to add to joy and laughter in the Universe. However, he didn't mention it now, because he knew Barr already knew it. He had told him when they had first been put under arrest. He also knew that Barr was there for refusing to divulge the nature of his grandfather's dealings with Uber Alles in the previous chapter, because Barr had told him that, too. The time for narrative exposition had long since passed.

Devers tried again. "But if you're so concerned about your brother and sister ..."

"And my cousin Sannd Barr and his beautiful daughter Candy."

Devers tried to try again. "... in that case, why don't you co-operate with Lugose?" For the first time, Barr showed genuine surprise.

"How can you, a man of the Confoundation, be so amenable, agreeable, pliable to the goals of Bel Lugose? In addition to sucking the blood of the galaxy, he would destroy the Seldom Plan!"

"The what?" If Barr had been surprised at anything Devers had said previously, he showed actual dismay at that.

"'The what?' How can you, a man of the Confoundation, say 'The what?'" Devers adopted a sheepish mien.

"Okay, okay, you got me. I've been pretending to be from the Confoundation for business reasons. Quite frankly, if your gags and novelties don't come from Terminex, they don't want to know you. But tell me, what is this 'Seldom Plan?'"

Barr took a deep breath, as if switching into his didactic mode. "Two hundred fifty years ago Veri Seldom, disturbed by what he saw as the forthcoming destruction, splintering, desolation of the humor of the Universe, devised his Plan to fight that and stem the Pratfall of the Universe."

"You don't say. But what is it exactly?"

Now it was Barr's turn to look sheepish. "I don't know," he admitted, "but it's been working so far, so he must have known what he was doing."

"So that's why you think it's so important to fight Bel Lugose. To preserve the humor of the Universe from destruction."

"That's right. Not just for me but for my grandchildren, Prizzen and Gaye."

Devers persisted. "But surely if Seldom was so smart, he would have foreseen Rev. Lugose, and taken steps to counter his movement himself."

Barr mulled over that. "True ... but perhaps we, us, you and me, are the instruments, tools, implements he intended to fight Lugose with."

Devers was persistent with his persisting. "Or consider this. What if Seldom requires Lugose – for the good of the Plan – to succeed in his attempt for a little while. If that were true, then we would damage the plan by opposing Lugose. We might be destroying the very thing you want to save." By now Barr's head was spinning. He badly needed to sit down, but discovered this was impossible because he was already sitting down. He compromised by standing up.

"Now look here, young man. You have me all mixed up, confused, disoriented. As my great-great-grandmother Roseanne used to say, "If you can't stand my cooking, stay out of the kitchen."

"I agree. You are mixed up. Now what do you say we call the guard and confess?"

"I'll make a deal with you. I will tell you why I am keeping silent, quiet, to myself. If you agree that I am right to oppose Rev. Lugose, then so be it. But if not, I will tell him everything he wants to know. Agreed?"

Devers nodded. Barr began. "Very well. Shortly after the Siamese Revolt a stranger came to visit my grandfather Marrz Barr.”

“I know. Uber Alles. You told me already.”

“But I didn’t tell you what passed between them. My grandfather often told me of his encounter with the visitor from another place. He wore curious clothes of shimmering fabric, and spoke with a barbaric accent, but strangest of all was his handshake. Thus." He extended his hand to Devers who, intrigued, gripped it. The resultant jangling his palm received went straight up his arm and lifted him from his stool. Barr calmly revealed the small metal disk he had concealed in his palm.

Devers whispered his astonishment. "A Personal Atomic Joy Buzzer! And according to Uber Alles' design, too! There is no technology in all the old Empire that can make one smaller than seven stories, suitable for buzzing an average planet, but this! It could turn the tide of any party, any chance meeting."

"Exactly. This is why Lugose fears the Confoundation. With their gag research so evolved, he doesn't stand a chance in hell, inferno, hades. And so long as he remains ignorant, in the dark, clueless, he dares not attack."

Devers looked at the old man with new respect. "I apologize. You were right to keep your secret, ... you know, here we've been together all these pages, and I still don't know your first name."

Barr nodded. "It is Dubl-R. Now if you will try the door, I think you will find it is unlocked." Devers tried it. It was. He turned.

"How did you know? And where is the guard?"

"Quite simple, elementary, cinchy. Shortly after we were arrested, a faction of Lugose's men was infiltrated by a squad of Confoundation men. They turned against their old leader and subjected him to a Jerry Lewis film festival. If he's not dead yet, he probably wishes he was. We're free to go."

Devers scratched his head. "That was lucky."

"Not really. According to the mathematics of Seldom, it was inevitable."