Appliances Galore

by Russell Billings, Rob Miracle, Dave Brooks, edited by Elizabeth Muncy 1 March 1989

Scene of the outside of the Enterprise warping through space. View pans around behind the ship to show the Big E closing in on some pretty orange planet.

Cut to Bridge.

Data:

Captain, we are now in orbit around the planet Johhol IV. This is the source of the distress beacon we detected.

Picard:

Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf.

Worf:

Hailing frequencies open, sir, but there is no response.

Data:

Sir, sensor scans indicate that there have been many major explosions on the planet in recent days.

Riker:

How many is many?

Data:

Enough to have killed everyone who once lived there.

Cut to opening credits. 

Picard:

Space ... The Final Frontier These are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise.

Riker:

Captain, can we change that to "starship, Pagh"? That way I can be in charge, and beat up on Klingons.

Worf:

Grrrrrr.

Pulaski:

Worf, the best result you have had against any of the guest stars is a tie, and that was against an old lady.

Worf:

But at least I did not lie to the captain and say that there was no chance of anyone else catching the virus ...

Picard:

SHUT UP! How am I ever going to finish the intro if you people don't stop talking???

Wesley starts to speak.

Guinan:

(Looks away from Riker) Shut up, Kid. (Looks back)

Picard:

A-HEM! (Glares) Its continuing voyage to seek out and ...

Riker:

Captain, it is time to move on.

Picard:

(Looks at Riker, looks at watch) mmmMmm. Very well, Will. Assemble your away team. I want to know what happened down there.

Riker:

Data, Geordi ...

Geordi:

Can't sir, Wesley worked on the engines last week and probably messed something up.

Riker:

Oh. Raging hormones did cloud his mind. Worf, Capt. Picard. Come with me.

Picard:

What?

Riker:

You need to get some sun, sir.

Pulaski:

Agreed. You are looking pale, Jean-Luc.

Picard:

... but ...

Pulaski:

Dahtah, make him go.

Data:

Data, my name is Data.

Pulaski:

Whatever.

The away team materialise on the planet.

Riker:

What is it Data?

Data:

It's a Singer, currently non-functioning because of a lack of lubrication ...

Riker:

Thank you Data ...

Picard:

A Singer? It doesn't look like a musician to me ...

Riker:

No sir, it's a Singer ... uhm ... cloth meshing machine.

Picard:

And you say it doesn't work, Data?

Data:

Yes sir, if you like, I can attempt to effect repairs.

Picard:

Make it sew, Mr. Data.

Data begins to work at a blinding pace and within 30 seconds, a beautiful Ball Gown is complete.

Riker:

Amazing, simply amazing. Now if I could just get Deanna to put out that kind of work.

Data:

It was no difficulty at all sir. You see, by inserting the ...

Picard:

Data! We have to find out what killed these people, not make flashy apparel. What caused (indicates all of the rubble piles) this?

Data:

Like I said before, many thousands of explosions.

Riker:

We already knew that, Data. What caused the explosions?

Data:

I do not know, sir.

Picard:

Speculate.

Data:

We do not need money in the 24th century, sir. Why should I invest mine on a risky speculative project?

Riker:

The other definition of "speculate", Data.

Data:

Oh. You want me to guess, cogitate, make wild accusations ...

Picard & Riker:

DATA!

Data:

Some of these appliances seem to be sentient, sir. Take this bow, over here. It contains a computer the size of our own on the Enterprise. It keeps asking me why I allow myself to be exploited by you "Bags of Mostly Water."

Worf:

(Pulls out phaser) Is it dangerous?

Data:

No. But according to it, we can find the real culprit over near that huge building in the distance.

Scene cuts to show the away team walking toward a large silver building with two vents in the top and a black slide on one side.

Picard:

Data, do you know what that structure is?

Data:

Analysing Sir ... It is a Giant toaster and there is a problem.

Riker:

A toaster; what is it?

Data:

It is a device used to brown bread, but that isn't important right now. It is getting ready to eject.

Panic fills the faces of the crew as two giant slices of toast fly into the air. One comes crashing down on the away team. Worf stands up covered in grape jelly. Riker kneels up and in a dying breath says ...

Riker:

Data, ... is a toaster ...

View of the bridge. Wesley, seeing that Command is away and Geordi is in engineering decides to sit in Picard's seat.

Crusher:

Ensign Oyl, what is the status of the away team?

Oyl:

Covered in grape jelly, Boy, I mean Sir.

Crusher:

Quite all right. Hey you are cute. Are you a monster also?

Oyl:

No, I am just an Ensign.

Crusher:

Well I think that the away team is in trouble, we must go save them. Come with me Laverne. Surely, we can save them.

Oyl:

Aye Aye Sir, and don't call me Shirley.

Wesley calls Guinan to the bridge and gives her control. He and Oyl skip off to the transporter room holding hands.

O'Brien:

Ensign Crusher and Oyl, what are you doing here?

Crusher:

The away team is in trouble we must go save them.

O'Brien:

I will beam you down.

Crusher:

Energize!

The second away team materialize at the spot of attack. The first away team is lying unconscious on the ground covered in grape jelly. Wesley begins to press his chest communicator. Ensign Oyl grabs his hand.

Oyl:

Wesley, here, use mine.

She uses Wesley's hand to activate her communicator. Wesley is embarrassed.

Crusher:

Chief O'Brien, we are here. Lock on to the following signals and beam them up. Use the DNA filter to bring back only the crew and not the jelly.

O'Brien:

Sorry Sir, the DNA filter is tied to the warp drives, which are under repair for some STRANGE reason at the moment. You will have to clean the jelly off yourself.

Wesley & Oyl start using their fingers to remove the jelly and begin eating it. Data is the first freed.

Crusher:

We will use this battery to charge up Data and get him restarted.

Oyl:

That sounds good. (A loud "ka-chung" is heard off screen) What is that?

She points up to see another piece of killer toast falling towards them.

Crusher:

Shoot the thing. It is a Crusher Monster and if it hits us ... we are toast.

Oyl grabs Worf's phaser and blasts the toast into crumbs.

Oyl:

Ensign, I will not like you if you are going to keep reminding me of your old flames.

Data becomes conscious.

Data:

What happened? And who is in charge of the Enterprise?

Crusher:

Guinan. You were hit by some killer toast.

Data:

How can killer toast be in charge of the Enterprise?

Crusher:

Never mind, just help me and Laverne clean the jelly off of the rest of the away team.

Oyl:

Data, he answered you in reverse polish notation.

Data:

Oh.

The three revive the rest of the crew.

Picard:

This toaster is a menace to society it must be terminated, but not violently. Suggestions?

Riker:

We could just turn it off.

Picard:

How?

Riker:

Like this.

He walks over to Data and turns Data off. Data falls to the floor in an "undignified position".

Picard:

Not that toaster, the killer one.

Worf:

I could phaser it, Sir?

Picard:

Make it so.

Worf drains the phaser into the toaster and it melts into a puddle of space goo.

Riker:

Goo-d shooting, Worf.

Worf takes offense at the pun and decides to PUNch Riker. He gets himself into a real sticky situation.

Worf:

Sorry, sir, I got carried away.

 

Riker:

Quite OK, Worf. I like being smacked around by Klingons. (He throws Worf into a convenient electrical panel. He looks pensive for a second, then helps Worf stand) You know, there is the great game called Football that we could get teams together for ...

Worf gets up, puts his head/make-up back in place.

Data:

I have heard of this game. 22 men running around on a field trying to kill each other.

Worf:

Sounds interesting, Commander. Holodeck 4?

Picard:

Wait, who is in charge of the Enterprise?

Data:

Ensign Crusher has explained to me that Guinan is in charge.

Picard:

Oh no, we must get back to the ship. (He presses his communicator) O'Brien, beam us up now.

O'Brien:

(Hic) Sorry sir, but you don't have an invitation. (Hic)

Riker:

Let me handle this. O'Brien, may I speak to Cpt. Guinan?

Guinan:

Hi Will.

Riker starts his romance bull for about 5 minutes and Guinan orders O'Brien to beam him alone up. Guinan and Riker head to her quarters and Riker emerges later with a big smile on his face.

Troi:

Will, how dare you!

She smacks him and the force dents the wall. She runs off, sobbing about "being gone for two weeks" and "she took my job and now my man, too." Riker ignores this, heads to the transporter room and beams up the a-team.