Return To Babble

by Tom Anonymous 6 April 1989

Aliens, aliens, do we have aliens! Why, there are the Klingons who are now our friends, the Betazoids, who we wish weren't, the Romulans, who pretend to be nasty, but aren't, the Binars, who seem to be modems with legs, and the Ferengi, who are too pathetic to notice.

How about the love scenes in TNG? Aren't they tender? I've seen more emotional commitment in movies like 'Sorority Babes in Vaseline Meet Mr. Ed'. I really liked the mute ambassador coming on to Troi. He looked the way my cat does right before I put the plate of tuna down for her. All drooly and quivering. (Incidentally, did you know that in the entire episode of 'City on the Edge of Forever', the only libido expressed is a brief kiss between Kirk and Edith Keeler? All that emotion and no one slept with anyone! How do they do it?)

With all this to choose from is it any wonder that most of the episodes are taken up with teaching Data how to tell a joke and watching the Enterprise's system managers reboot their mainframes? Well, the time has come to hypothesize about all of these alien dweebs meeting in one episode. Therefore, I give you: "RETURN TO BABBLE"

Introduction

We see Geordi and Worf walking down a hallway onboard the Enterprise. They pass by Troi, who is posting a notice. The notice reads:

Geordi and Worf take a look at it, look at each other, roll their eyes and shake their heads and keep going. They pass Wesley and a Binar, taking turns making 'Shhhhhhhh' noises at each other. They sound like two modems. Worf growls deep in his throat and Geordi looks up at the ceiling as if praying. They turn a corner and walk into a turbolift. As the door closes, a Ferengi, with silverware stuffed in his pockets and falling out of his pants legs runs by the camera. A moment later an Enterprise security guard runs by, yelling 'Stop! Come back here!'

In the turbolift are two other crewpersons. The turbolift stops and the door opens. One of the crewpersons gets out into what seems to be a ballet class. The lift goes on and stops for the other crewperson to get out into a pool hall. The ride ends at the bridge.

Worf:

And this is a warship.

Geordi:

Really.

ACT I

We see the interior of a rec room with Troi giving a lecture to a wide variety of alien life forms. Seated in the middle of the group are a Romulan and a Klingon. We hear the voice over of Picard dictating his log.

Picard:

Captain's Log, stardate 1201.380215436. We are bringing delegates from many worlds to the Pan-Galactic Unity Conference on the planet Babble-17. Our mission is highly sensitive as are the ambassadors on board. We must keep them calm and peaceful to avoid any diplomatic incidents before they reach the conference. I have put Councillor Troi in charge of this effort.

Troi:

The power of crystals has been known for many years. We can demonstrate their power quite easily. I'll just stick this blue quartz in my right armpit and rub my tummy with my left hand while breathing slowly and...

Klingon:

(Under his breath to the Romulan) These humans are soft and undisciplined. No Klingon ship would ever have this kind of idiocy on board.

Romulan:

(Also under his breath) Then how did you lose to them?

Klingon:

That was long ago, long before Roddenberry took control of the Federation Council. I seem to recall that you had problems with them, too.

Troi:

... I'll now grab my left heel with my right hand and use my mouth to ...

Romulan:

Indeed. They were worthy adversaries then. Now look at them.

Troi is in a bizzarre position, leaning over a table, trying to give mouth-to-mouth resucitation to a dead goldfish.

Klingon:

You know what we do for recreation on our ships?

Romulan:

No, what?

Troi:

You saw the fish move a bit, didn't you? That was the power of the crystal renewing its life force, ever so slightly.

Klingon:

Whenever we visit a new planet, we capture dozens of small native animals and then practice vivisection. With our teeth.

Troi:

Larger crystals give correspondingly greater results.

Romulan:

That's nothing. We Romulans play mumbledy-peg. With running chainsaws.

Troi:

I will now bring the goldfish back to life completely.

Klingon:

That's a sport for the weak! We play catch with live sonic grenades!

Troi:

Using this 500 pound crystal ...

Romulan:

That's to be expected of you pansies. We use those for pillows at night. When we lay down on our beds of hypodermic needles filled with poison.

Their conversation is broken up by a large crash as the crystal is dropped on the dead fish. The table collapses and the crystal shatters into a million pieces as the wreckage hits the floor. All that can be seen of the fish is a little spattery stain on the floor.

Troi:

You all saw the fish come to life right before the impact of the crystal, didn't you? And this is just one of the many uses for them!

We cut to a scene in the captain's ready room. Two Ferengi are standing before Picard who is seated at his desk. Two security guards are standing behind the Ferengi. Riker is standing behind Picard.

Guard 1:

We caught these two using the fabricator to make piles of gold coins.

Picard:

Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?

Ferengi 1:

The guard is lying! We were doing nothing of the sort!

Picard:

Well, guard?

Guard 1:

I saw him doing it! We have pictures of them doing it!

Picard:

Pictures!?! You took pictures of them without their permission? That's immoral! The Federation doesn't stand for such bullying tactics!

Guard 2:

But sir, they were using so much energy that our life-support system was threatened!

Picard:

That was our fault. We should have provided sufficient energy for this possibility. We can't blame them for doing what they did. It's our fault. Release them immediately and put yourselves on report.

The guards leave, dumbfounded as the Ferengi scamper away, their pockets bulging with gold coins. Picard and Riker re-enter the bridge.

Picard:

You know, we can't be the policemen of the galaxy.

Riker:

Right, sir.

Geordi:

Too bad the Ferengi haven't figured out that they can't be the thieves of the galaxy.

Wesley:

Entering orbit around Theta-Delta-3, sir. Preparing to beam up ambassador Kara and her party.

Picard:

Mr. Riker, you and Data meet them at the transporter.

Riker:

Aye, sir.

We cut to the transporter with Riker and Data just entering as a party of three is beamed up. Two are women, both stunning, wearing skin-tight tinfoil jumpsuits. The other is a man who looks like Mel Gibson wearing tight jeans and a shirt unbuttoned to his navel. We cut to a facial shot of Riker and see him gloat over the women. The soundtrack changes to something romantic like AC/DC's "Let's Get It Up".

ACT II

In the transporter room. The ambassadors are just stepping off the pads. Riker gives the ladies the eye and moves his pelvis around for emphasis.

Riker:

Hellllooo, Ambassador. Let me help you out of your suit, I mean off the transporter. I'm Commander Riker.

Kara:

I am ambassador Kara from Theta-Delta-3. These are my assistants, Cherry and Luke.

Cherry:

(Walking over to Data with a few extra swings of her hips) You must be Data. I've heard so much about you. Shall we discuss certain functions?

Data:

Linear or non-linear?

Cherry:

Horizontal.

Data:

I'd be glad to.

They walk out together.

Riker:

(Never taking his eyes off Kara) I'm sure the transporter chief would be happy to show Luke around the ship. Much happier doing that than cleaning asteroid debris off the hull, in fact.

The chief gets the clue and leads Luke off to 10-Forward. Kara puts her arms around Riker's neck.

Kara:

Command me, Commander.

We cut (mercifully) to a scene in one of the rec rooms where an assortment of aliens have gathered together and are all chatting. A few of the skillet-lickers from the cast are with them.

Betazoid (Emota):

... so then the hyperintelligent, pandimensional being said, 'That was no duck! That was my connubial live-in!'

Wesley laughs, the rest are silent.

Klingon (Xarg):

I wish I was dead.

Emota:

Oh dear, I'm getting such negative emanations from your aura, Xarg. You shouldn't say such things!

Xarg:

You're right. I wish you were dead.

Binar:

1000100 1101001 1110100 1110100 1101111 0100000 1101000 1100101 1110010 1100101 0101110.

A Ferengi sneaks up behind Xarg and tries to pick his pocket. Xarg stands there as if unaware of it. The Ferengi sticks his hand in and we hear a loud 'ZORP!'. The Ferengi screams and pulls out a smoking stump of a wrist. Xarg turns around and kicks the Ferengi in the groin.

Xarg:

We Klingons are not so soft, Ferengi. I suggest you ply your trade elsewhere from now on.

Wesley:

Violence! How gross!

Emota:

I am getting feelings of great pain, great suffering! Oooh! I think I'm going to faint!

Wesley runs out of the room, covering his mouth with his hand as Emota falls backwards and Dr. Pulaski catches her.

Pulaski:

Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Betazoids, but they sure seem like a ditzy bunch.

Romulan (Gornath):

That was fascinating, Xarg. What was that?

Xarg:

Just our Klingon evapo-wallet. A specially shaped photon reaction chamber that disintegrates any flesh put into it. Specially designed for our ambassadors to Fereng.

Gornath:

Marvelous! Maybe our differences aren't so great after all!

Binar :

(Translated. If you think I'm going to type all this in ASCII binary code, you're crazy.) We can do one better than that, Xarg. We have a device in our pockets that analyzes the DNA structure of the hand reaching in, accesses our mother-computer's data banks, finds out who and what he or she or it is, and then erases all their credit information!

Gornath:

I can see we Romulans are far behind in this. We merely execute all thieves. Clearly your ways are more devious, cruel, and desirable.

Pulaski:

I can't see that they're desirable at all! Just look at this poor fellow! Now I'll have to transplant a new hand onto him! You beasts!

Pulaski leaves with the Ferengi, leaving Emota slumped over in a chair looking dazed.

ACT III

We see 10-Forward, with the lights down low and several couples (trios, too?) making out in dimly lit booths. We focus in on a booth in the back where Riker and Kara are. Wesley walks up to talk to Riker but stops behind him.

Riker:

Kara, your fingertips are like fire and your eyes as blue as ice.

Kara:

Tell me more, you hunk, you.

Wesley gets embarrassed and leaves. As he walks out he spots a pretty, young crew-woman at the bar and goes over and sits next to her.

Wesley:

Your eyes are like fire and your fingertips like ice!

Woman:

What?

Wesley:

Uh, your eyes are like mires and your lips are like mice!

Woman:

What?!

Wesley:

Y-y-your hair is all wires and your armpits have lice!

Woman:

Why, you little jerk!

She punches Wesley in the mouth and leaves.

We cut to sickbay where Pulaski is washing up after surgery. The Fernegi, new hand and all is slinking out the door. On his way out, we see him steal a surgical laser, five computer disks, and a ballpoint pen. Picard is talking to Pulaski.

Picard:

So the Klingon decided to punish the Ferengi? How barbaric!

Pulaski:

Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Klingons, but sometimes it seems like they're all a bunch of war-criminals!

Picard:

I can understand your sentiments, doctor. This use of violence is simply unforgivable. Something will have to be done about it. (Into intercomm) Picard to Riker. Meet me in my ready room in five minutes!

Riker:

(With heavy panting in the background) I'm coming, sir.

Picard:

And have Data meet us there, too.

Riker:

Aye, Aye, AYe, AYE, AYE, AYE, AYe, Aye, aye, aye, aye, sir.

We cut to a shot of the door to Data's cabin. We hear Data's voice from inside, along with more heavy panting.

Data:

Groan: to emit a pleasurable moaning sound from the back of one's throat, a voiced sigh of ecstasy, a sounded gasp of pleasure, a feverish trembling of the vocal chords, or to otherwise emit sounds of joy and satisfaction.

We cut to Emota's cabin. Troi is there, trying to reassure her.

Emota:

I felt great pain, great fear and suffering! It was horrible!

Troi:

I felt it, too, Emota, but we must not let it override our duties. Wait, I feel great pain and sadness, too. Oh Emota, it really did hurt you deeply to see that, didn't it?

Emota:

Oh yes, oh my, yes.

Troi:

I feel you feeling terrible. Now I'm feeling terrible.

Emota:

Ooooh! Now I feel you feeling me feeling terrible!

Empatha, one of Emota's assistants walks in, another Betazoid.

Empatha:

I felt such pain and distress! What's the matter?

Troi and Emota:

We feel awful, Empatha!

Empatha:

Oh! Now I feel it getting stronger. How terrible this is making me feel!

Troi:

Oooh! I can feel you feeling awful! How horrible!

Emota:

There is some tremendous sadness in this room! Is that you, Empatha?

Empatha:

No, I'm feeling terrible. Troi is feeling sad.

Troi:

Now I'm feeling terribly sad!

Another Betazoid assistant, Whina, comes in.

Whina:

Ow! Such agony! This room is filled with pain and suffering! It makes me feel so sad to feel Empatha feeling Troi feeling Emota feel awful!

Emota:

I feel terrible about all of this pain, Whina. Oh, how bad it makes me feel!

Troi:

Oh the pain!

Empatha:

Oh the sadness!

Whina:

Such awful badness!

All together:

Oooohhhhh, ohhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh!

Emota starts to cry. Troi starts soon after and then is joined by the other two. Emota's Betazoid dog, a little, fluffy, white, whiny thing runs into the room, wets the carpet and begins to howl.

We cut to Picard's ready room. Data and Riker are standing before Picard who is seated at his desk.

Picard:

This mission is of the utmost importance to Starfleet. The violence in the rec room is alarming. We must find a way to keep it from re-occurring. Data, I want you to access all records concerning Klingon-Ferengi relations. Riker, I want you to come with me.

Riker:

Where are we going, sir?

Picard:

I have an idea of someone who might give us some answers as to how to resolve conflicts peacefully.

All leave and we cut to Picard and Riker in front of the holodeck door.

Picard:

Holodeck, set up a meeting with Abraham Lincoln, former president of the Earth nation known as The People's Republic of the United States of America.

Riker:

Lincoln?

Picard:

He was a famous leader in the movement for non-violent solutions to difficult problems.

The door opens and we see Lincoln in one of the White House meeting rooms waiting for Picard and Riker. He rises graciously to greet them.

Lincoln:

Please come in, gentlemen. I'm always happy to greet visitors. It gives me a chance to break away from the pressures of public office. What can I do for you?

Picard:

We have come for advice, sir.

Lincoln:

Mine is probably worth no more than any other man's, but I'm honored to be asked for it. What is the problem?

Picard:

We are carrying ambassadors from several, er, nations on our ship and they are somewhat antagonistic towards each other. Since you did so well defusing your own threat of civil war, we thought you might be able to give us some guidance.

Lincoln:

Defuse it, you say? I've never heard it put that way. It lasted five years and killed hundreds of thousands. I presided over the only civil war in the history of my country. I'd hardly call that defusing it, but if it pleases you to refer to it like that, by all means do so. Defusing it! I'll have to tell Mary that one. She'll get a kick out of it.

Riker:

Civil war?!? You mean you actually sent troops into a battle?

Picard:

Of course not, Number One. He is speaking metaphorically. Aren't you, Mr. President?

Lincoln:

My goodness, no. I had to give the orders that sent men to their death. Terrible times those were. Ran through quite a few generals before I found one that would end the war the fastest, too. I'll never forgive myself for not choosing him right away.

Picard:

You mean someone was killed?!? How barbaric!

Lincoln:

More than someone, Captain. Hundreds of thousands!

Riker:

Truly barbaric!

Lincoln:

And the most barbaric of them all was my general, Ulysses Grant.

Picard:

Number One, there must be some mistake! This can't be true!

Lincoln:

I assure you it was.

Riker:

I agree, sir. There must be some mistake in the program. No great leader would ever give orders to hurt anyone.

Lincoln:

Then I must not have been a great leader. Not only did I give the orders, I felt that I probably would have to if I was even elected president! Sometimes you must fight to protect what is right.

Picard:

Let's get out of here. I'm beginning to feel nauseous.

They leave. As they do Lincoln rises and shows them to the door.

Lincoln:

I hope I was of some help, gentlemen.

Riker:

Oooh, violence! I feel sick!

Picard:

I feel all queasy, too. Let's got get some Hyper-Pan-Galactic-Pepto from Dr. Pulaski.

ACT IV

We see a scene of Geordi walking by Emota's cabin. He hears all the cries of distress and goes in to find them all cringing and whining and crying. The dog has added several new wet spots to the carpet and is whimpering in a corner.

Geordi:

(Into intercomm) Geordi to sickbay! I'm in the Betazoid ambassador's cabin! Get someone down here with some Hyper-Photon-Elasto-Space-Vallium right away! They've all gone into some kind of Betazoid emotional vapor-lock!

Cut to sickbay. Pulaski is answering the intercomm. In the background are Picard and Riker drinking square vials of pink liquid.

Pulaski:

I'll be there right away, Geordi. Pulaski out. (To Picard and Riker) Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are blind, but don't they all seem kind of creepy?

She takes her medikit and leaves. Picard gets up and goes over to the intercomm.

Picard:

Captain Picard to Ensign Crusher!

Wesley:

Ensign Crusher here.

Picard:

Meet us in the briefing room, Ensign. I have a programming job for you.

Wesley:

I'm on my way, sir.

Cut to the briefing room. Picard, Riker, and Wesley are there. Wesley has a fat lip.

Picard:

So that's the problem, Wesley. You need to reprogram the holodeck control subroutines that cover those cases.

Wesley:

No problem, sir. I'll get right on it.

Wesley leaves and Data enters at the same time.

Data:

I have accessed all the information on those two races, sir.

Picard:

Make your report, Data.

Data:

They seem to be utterly incompatible sir. No one has ever found a way to make them coexist peacefully.

Picard:

Our job, gentlemen is to seek out new civilizations, new territories, new problems which have never been solved. So far, we've been successful in dealing with these. I suggest we implement our usual plan.

Riker:

General Order Number One, sir?

Picard:

Make it so, Commander.

Cut to a scene on the bridge. Worf is talking into the intercomm, on a ship-wide announcement channel.

Worf:

Now hear this, now hear this. All personnel are to immediately implement General Order Number One. I repeat, implement General Order Number One. No one is to do anything to solve any problems at all. Everyone is confined to performing trivial tasks until the problems go away on their own. Any personnel caught using imagination and common sense to deal with our difficulties will be enrolled in three successive courses with Counsellor Troi on "Stress Management through Creative Understanding".

Cut to a scene, sometime later, in the transporter. The delegations are beaming down to the conference. Riker, Data, and Troi are there to see everyone off. As the group from Theta-Delta-3 walks to the transform, Kara and Cherry blow kisses to Riker and Data and Luke pinches Troi's butt.

CONCLUSION

Picard, Riker, and Wesley are outside the Holodeck door.

Wesley:

All fixed now, sir. You shouldn't have any problems at all.

Picard:

Well done, Wesley. Holodeck, President Lincoln's meeting room again.

The holodeck doors open and the same scene as before is shown. Lincoln is wearing a Mexican peasant shirt and sandals. His hair and beard are much longer and he has a bandana around his head. He does not get up to greet them.

Lincoln:

So, like, what's happening, dudes?

Picard:

Ah, this is much better.

Riker:

Sir, do you remember how you dealt with the civil war crisis?

Lincoln:

Oh, sure. We all just sat down and had a rap session, you know? And it turned out that Confederates have mothers, too, you know? So we, like, reached an understanding and came to realize that we weren't so different after all. Everything was cool.

Picard:

(To Riker) A true leader, Number One.

Lincoln:

Say, guys, I got some tickets to the theater tonight, but Mary's not feeling so well. Want to take 'em?

Picard:

I think we can afford to stay a while, Number One. Why not?

Riker:

Absolutely, sir. Let's take him up on it.

Picard:

Finally, a chance to relax. (Lincoln hands them the tickets) A balcony seat! My, but we'll enjoy this, Number One.

Riker:

I can't wait.