Black Adder: Deep Space Ninth

by Jeffrey Jacobs (timelord@cs.mcgill.ca) 9 April 1992

Opening credits consist of star progressions as if flying through space, until we enter the Worm Hole, which produces a Video Feedback (ie low budget) effect. At the end of the credits, we come out of the Worm Hole to a shot of Deep Space Nine. The opening music is the traditional Black Adder theme, but played with sounds similar to those used in the opening credits of Doctor Who during the Davison era.

SCENE 1: Living Quarters of Commander Edmund Blackadder. The quarters are dingy and dirty and rather Spartan, as you would expect from a remote outpost like this one. There is a small cot and a desk for writing. Blackadder is asleep on the cot when there is a moo at the door.

Door:

Mooooooo.

Blackadder:

Baldric, is that you!?

Baldric opens the door. It wooshes open and Blackadder is greeted with a pungent sniff, something you just don't see these days on tele.

Baldric:

Sir, the Captain has sent for you.

Blackadder:

(Still dazed from last night's chug-a-lug contest) Go away!

Baldric:

But he said it was detergent, sir.

Blackadder:

I believe you mean urgent, Ensign. Now sodd off!

Behind Baldric, Captain Plantaganet listens intently to the dazed Commander.

Baldric:

But sir ...

Blackadder:

Baldric, get lost. Tell the Captain he can go to hell for all I care, I'm not moving from this spot.

Captain:

Attention!

Blackadder stands at complete attention as the Captain enters the room.

Captain:

Commander Blackadder, why have you not responded to my summons?

Blackadder:

Ah, sir. Of course I was in contemplation of our present predicament.

Captain:

And which predicament is that?

Blackadder:

Insubordination, sir. This lack of respect for authority must be stopped. Just the other day I heard Lieutenant Commander Darling saying "Tell the Captain he can go to hell for all I care, I'm not moving from this spot," as I was telling Baldric here.

Captain:

Enough, Commander. I expect to see you in Conference Chambers in 10 minutes.

Blackadder:

Sir!

The captain leaves the room.

Blackadder:

Baldric?

Baldric:

Yes, sir?

Blackadder:

The next time the Captain wants to see me, would you be capable of letting me know, or is that too complex a concept for your puny sub-Andorian brain?!

Baldric:

But sir ...

Blackadder:

No but's, Ensign. Just don't let it happen again. And remember what I said about insubordination.

Baldric:

Sorry, sir.

Baldric leaves.

SCENE 2: Conference room, deck 3. Captain Plantaganet and Lieutenant Commander Darling are sitting at the round conference table in the centre of the room. There is a moo, and the door opens. We see Blackadder slapping Baldric on the back of the head as they stand in the doorway.

Blackadder:

Sir!

Captain:

At ease. Dismissed, Ensign.

Baldric:

Sir.

Baldric leaves the doorway, and Blackadder takes a seat at the table closest to the door.

Captain:

Commander. There has been a radiation leak on deck 37. Due to the nature of this leak, we will not be able to seal it up for at least a week. I am hence evacuating all crew from the irradiate area in accordance with Starfleet regulation 4.75.2.6.7a, Subsection 7.

Blackadder:

Darling, your quarters are on that deck, aren't they?

Darling:

Yes, sir.

Captain:

That is why you're here, Commander. Lieutenant Commander Darling will need new quarters while this leak subsides. And since we are so low on crewmans' quarters, I have assigned the Commander to reside with you.

Blackadder:

But sir, there really isn't enough room in my quarters for two.

Darling:

That's not what you said two weeks ago when Inca needed a place to stay.

Blackadder:

That's different! Crewman Inca and I were just discussing subspace engineering that night. She and I were in heavy debate.

Captain:

Yes, well, if you have enough room for Crewman Inca, I'm sure the Commander will not be any problem.

Blackadder:

But there's no place to sleep, sir.

Darling:

One of us could sleep on the desk.

Blackadder:

The desk! You've got to be kidding.

Captain:

Brilliant innovation, Commander Darling.

Blackadder:

Fine, Darling, I outrank you, so you get the desk.

Darling:

But sir, I have a back problem. Doctor Nursie insisted that I avoid warped surfaces.

Blackadder:

Then don't sleep on your head.

Captain:

Enough, Commander Blackadder. Darling will have the bed, and you shall take the desk.

Blackadder:

The desk! Sir, that desk is over 200 years old. It is infested with fleas and smells like Ensign Baldric's rotten egg collection! I'd rather sleep on the floor ...

SCENE 3: Living Quarters of Commander Edmund Blackadder. Blackadder is lying on the floor as Darling is sitting on the cot, removing his shoes. He tosses one off and it lands on Blackadder.

Blackadder:

Yow! Watch what you're doing, dundlehead!

Darling:

Now, now, sir. Remember what the Captain said, "Your co-operation is of the utmost to the proper functioning of this outpost."

Blackadder:

Oh, shuddup and go to sleep!

The next morning, Blackadder is awaken by the exercise regime of Darling. Darling is doing jumping-jacks as he counts aloud.

Darling:

273 - 274 - 275 ...

Blackadder:

Must you make all that noise, Darling?

Darling:

276 - Yes, sir - 277 - I like to - 278 - keep fit - 279 - by exer - 280 - cising each - 281 - morning - 282 ...

Blackadder:

(Looks at clock) It's 3 in the morning, Darling. Even the rats aren't up yet!

Darling:

301 - You know - 302 - what they say - 303 - about early - 304 - to bed, - 305 - early to - 306 - rise - 307 ...

Blackadder:

Leads a man to a tired and cranky demise. Must you make all that noise?!

Darling:

313 - A daily - 314 - regimen - 315 - of 500 - 316 - jumping jacks - 317 - a day, - 318 - Commander, - 319 - without - 320 - fail - 321 ...

Blackadder:

312 - 313 - 314 - 315.

Darling loses his place in counting.

Darling:

Darn it, sir. You made me lose my place. Now I have to start over again. 1 - 2 - 3 ...

Blackadder gets up, puts on some clothes and leaves the room.

Credits
Commander Edmund Blackadder	Rowan Atkinson
Ensign Junior Grade Baldric	Tony Robinson
Lieutenant Commander Percival Darling	Tim McInnerny
Lieutenant Commander George Hanover	Hugh Laurie
Captain Harry Plantaganet	Robert East
Ensign Melchet	Stephen Fry
Inca	Miranda Richardson
Lieutenant Armageddon	Brian Blessed
Doctor Nursie	Patsy Byrne
Music	Jeffrey Jacobs and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop
Lighting	Photoelectric Tube
Producer	Jeffrey Jacobs
Director	Jeffrey Jacobs