The New Captain

by Jim Maloy (miq@psuvm.bitnet). Notice!! Full smileys apply to everything that follows. This ain't your usual STTNG satire, people!! You've been warned! 10 November 1987

The scene: A full-brass competency hearing, called after Captain Picard surrenders to a crippled Ferengi shuttle that has two mortally wounded crew members on board. Picard has been stripped of his rank and transferred to an ore-freighter. The top brass are now discussing the issue of who should take command of NCC-1701D.

Attending the meeting are: Fleet ADM Montague, Commander of Starfleet ADM Abdallah, Chairman of Picard's competency board ADM Wu, CIC of the First Exploration Fleet VADM Phillips, Surgeon General of Starfleet RADM Solok, Starfleet Personnel Records Officer.

Montague:

So then, Mr. Solok, it is your opinion that we should not give command of the Enterprise to Commander Riker?

Solok:

It is my logical conclusion that the Commander would not be able to perform the duties of a starship captain.

Phillips:

I'm forced to agree with Admiral Solok, sir. Riker's psychological profile shows that he would be forced into a nervous breakdown within two weeks. He would be torn apart by the contradictory needs to lead the away teams and to protect his own life. In one simulator run, he put himself on report for trying to beam down to a hostile planet.

Montague:

So we must choose another officer. Any recommendations?

Abdallah:

During the hearings, Picard spoke very highly of Lieutenant Commander Data's knowledge of starship operations. I would consider him first.

Solok:

Mr. Data also has a highly logical mind, aside from his peculiar desire to be human.

Phillips:

I'm afraid I have to dissent with you on this one. Despite Data's qualifications, he just doesn't have the intuitive inspiration it takes to command a starship.

Solok:

I fail to see the logic in ...

Phillips:

Besides which, his judgement circuits need a major overhaul. He rattles off an entire thesaurus entry at the slightest provocation.

Wu:

I'd have to go with Phillips too, sir. We just can't have him stop in the middle of a critical situation with a monologue of similar events in history.

Montague:

Very well then, Data is out. Is there anyone left worth considering?

Solok:

For obvious reasons, Lieutenant Commander Troi cannot be considered.

Wu:

Absolutely not. We can't have a starship commander freeze every time an unexpected emotion appears.

Phillips:

Lieutanants Worf and Yar are out, too. Much too aggressive.

Wu:

Yes, that would get us into more trouble than someone who surrenders all the time.

Montague:

Enough of whom we can't consider! The purpose of this meeting is to find someone who can command the ship.

Abdallah:

Lieutenant LaForge seemed a good possibility during the hearings. He was another officer of whom Picard spoke well.

Phillips:

No, we can't have him either. The bioelectronic device he wears causes him constant pain. He can overcome it well enough to man a bridge station, but it's just too much of a distraction for the multiple responsibilities of command.

Montague:

(Exasperated) So, am I to understand that in your opinions, there is no one at all who is qualified to command NCC-1701D?

A long silence, during which Wu and Phillips exchange glances. Solok resolutely refuses to meet anyone's eyes. Abdallah also seems to be hiding something. Slowly but surely, understanding finds its way into Montague's expresssion. He doesn't like the answer he's reached.

Montague:

Admiral Wu, I sincerely hope I'm wrong about this. You aren't considering Ensign Wesley Crusher, are you?

Wu opens his mouth a moment, then shuts it and looks away. Montague rolls his eyes in shocked disbelief.

Montague:

I can't believe it. Of all the foolish, ridiculous notions ...

Wu:

You have to admit sir, he does have a prodigous understanding of starship systems and operations.

Abdallah:

Even Picard had to admit that much, after Wesley's first tour of the bridge.

Solok:

As well as a superb analytical and theoretical ability.

Montague:

That's not the same thing as experience! He's a 15-year-old boy, dammit! There's no way that he could command a starship as well as a highly trained adult!

Solok:

Admiral, may I respectfully suggest that you temper your emotions? They are not very productive to the purposes of this meeting.

Montague:

(Pauses, glaring at Solok) Yes ... very well, Mr. Solok. (another pause, gains control of himself) Now, may I ask just how you justify your recommendation that a 15-year-old boy be placed in command of a starship, rather than an experienced and trained adult?

Solok:

I feel it necessary to point out that your concern with his age, rather than his skills or abilities, is rather illogical.

Wu:

He has shown considerable knowledge of starship operations and engineering. His intuitive engineering insight allowed him to mentally lay out a circuit that would have taken weeks for anyone else to design.

Solok:

A similar phenomenon to humans who can add 15 10-digit numbers, or extract 8th-order roots of 25 digit numbers, in a matter of seconds. The only difference is that he posesses this ability for physics and engineering, rather than mathematics.

Montague:

All right, I'll grant that he's an engineering whiz kid. That still doesn't justify putting him in command of a ship.

Abdallah:

There are other incidents, sir. There have been repeated times in which Ensign Crusher has deduced the key to a crisis, but resolution was delayed by the fact that no one would listen to him. Giving him command would ensure that he would be heard.

Phillips:

My psychological profiles show that he has a profound maturity that has gone largely unnoticed. He puts on a show of childishness to avoid being too threatening to the less competent adults surrounding him. Every so often his true maturity will come through-- he often jokes to his mother about her actions stunting his emotional growth.

Montague:

(Taking a last, desperate shot) But what about combat ability? That was, after all, the issue that brought up this meeting in the first place.

Wu:

Ensign Crusher has proven his ability there, too. In a simulator run, he faced five Ferengi vessels in what was intended to be a "Kobayashi Maru" test.

Montague:

...and?

Wu:

The first thing he did was request visual communication, and demand an immediate surrender. The Ferengi, after getting over their initial shock at seeing a 15-year-old Terran commanding, collapsed laughing and babbling about the moronic practices of us Terrans. Ensign Crusher took advantage of the 30-second delay and, rigging the ship's phasers for a simultaneous five-way burst, disabled all of the Ferengi opponents.

Montague is silent for a long while, then slumps his shoulders in defeat.

Montague:

Very well, then. Let the record show a unanimous decision to promote Ensign Crusher to Captain, and assign him to command the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The other panel members file out, leaving Montague alone in the conference room. He mutters something incoherent about wanting to beam the young captain into an antimatter pod.