Cheers: The Next Generation

by Elliott Buchholz 11 May 1990

Scene opens as the camera pans in the Enterprise, in orbit around Earth. Zoom in onto Ten-Forward. A person is beaming into the room near the entrance. It is Worf.

Crowd:

WORF!!!

Worf:

Good Evening.

Riker has the replicator prepare a cold drink of a purple liquid.

Riker:

What's shakin, Worf?

Worf:

Your HEAD, if I do not get my prune juice immediately!

Bar crowd laughs. Another beam in and Wesley Crusher rushes up to the bar.

Wesley:

Sorry I'm late Will. I locked my key card in the shuttlecraft and couldn't get in.

Riker:

Why didn't you just beam in?

Wesley:

What do you think I am, stupid?

Riker:

No. I'm sorry, kid.

Wesley:

Sheesh. How do you think I got the key out of the shuttlecraft so I could open the door?

Laughter, followed by theme song, followed by return to Ten-Forward

Geordi:

So, Will. You still trying to get some credits together to buy this tub?

Riker:

Hey! This isn't a tub. It's my baby. I cared for it more than HE ever did.

He pats the replicator, and it beeps twice and splurts a greenish liquid all over the counter.

Worf:

Don't look now, Willie, but your baby just spit up all over you.

Bar crowd laughs.

Riker:

Hey. Who you laughin at? At least I became something respectable!

Geordi:

What's not respectable about what I do?

Data:

Actually, Geordi, it is a little known fact that in the latter part of the nineteenth century, on Earth, psychiatrists were hunted and killed for food in what was then known as the United Stakes.

Worf:

It's too bad that when they decommissioned the Enterprise, they also decommissioned Data's positronic brain!

Data:

Why thank you, Worfie.

Geordi:

Well at least I made out better than Beverly.

Beverly:

Hey, La Forge. You're a doctor, right?

Geordi:

Yes.

Beverly:

Well, I got this pain in the butt that comes and goes.

Geordi:

Hmmm. When did you last get the pain?

Beverly:

That depends. What time did you get here?

Crowd laughs.

Wesley:

Well, I think that most of us did pretty well. Look at Miss Troi.

Riker:

Buddy, I try to every chance I get.

Wesley:

Who'd have thought that she'd hook up with Captain Picard.

Beverly:

Yeah. And what a coincidence that it happened right after ol' Jean Luc bought the Enterprise and every other outdated starship and made a fortune on this Drink and Warp business.

Data:

Yes. quite an amazing coincidence. Not much unlike the amazing coincidences that occur quite naturally on Beckett 7. Did you know that ...

Beverly:

Hey Rusty. What I wanna know is when's the last time YOU got lucky? And I don't mean your hand.

Data:

I have been 'lucky' quite often. Why just last night I received an extra ounce of Retrellium in my mixture.

Beverly:

Just what I thought. You know what's so nice about you?

Data:

No. What?

Beverly:

You can't think of anything either, huh?

Worf:

I can. He doesn't burn under a hot sun.

Data:

Gee. Thanks Worfie.

Beverly:

Maybe so, but I don't rust in the rain either.

Discussion is interrupted by another transport beam. In beams Deanna Troi, manager of Ten Forward.

Wesley:

Gee mom. She sure looks hot. Boy, the Captain sure treats her good. If you had dressed a little sexier, that could've been you.

Beverly:

Maybe. But if I had been smart and practiced birth control, I wouldn't have to listen to a little snot.

Wesley:

Well, live and learn Mom.

Troi:

Okay. Let's get this place in shape. We have a whole lot of PAYING customers glares at Worf to pick up in the Peanut Cluster.

Riker:

I don't know, honey. Everything looks in great shape from here.

Troi:

Maybe so, but not from here, Jelly-Belly. If you'd been smarter and done things like Jean Luc did when the decommission hit, instead of drowning yourself in synthehol, maybe you'd be somebody too.

Riker:

Well at least I have something your darling Jean Luc can never have.

Troi:

Really? And just what is that?

Riker:

Hair.

Crowd laughs.

Troi:

Well, to me Jean Luc is the perfect husband material.

Riker:

Right. Old and rich.

Troi:

That's not ...

She is interrupted by her communicator beeping.

Communicator:

Mr. Picard's shuttle will be arriving at 0800 hours.

Troi:

Goodie. Let's shake a leg, people.

Riker:

Take your clothes off, and I'll make more than your leg shake.

Suddenly, the room shakes as an explosion is heard.

Worf:

Whoa. I almost felt that. Better pour me another tall one, Willie.

Troi:

What was that?

Beverly:

Well either your bra strap broke, or we've just been attacked by someone.

Troi:

Who'd attack a flying Bar?

Wesley:

I know that one! I know that one! A romulan with an eating disorder.

Worf:

That's not it. It's an Altairian with a peg leg.

Wesley:

Are you sure?

Data:

He is right, Wesley. It is a known fact that one-legged Altarians are wont to indescriminitely ...

Troi:

STOP IT! STOP IT! WE'RE IN TROUBLE! I sense ...

Riker:

I sense that you're all worked up. Perhaps a patented Willy Massage in the ol' office will ...

Suddenly five figures beam into the room.

Riker:

Mannnn! Just when I was about to score!

Four of the figures move aside as the fifth, cloaked figure steps forward. It removes it's cloak slowly to reveal a female form. Riker looks stunned. It's the woman from the "Send In The Clones" episode. She paces the room and stops in front of Beverly.

Woman:

I don't know you.

Beverly:

Let's keep it that way.

She ignores Beverly and moves on to Riker.

Woman:

But you ... I never forget a face, or a pair of hands ... Commander ... Riker?

Beverly:

Who is this bimbo?

Riker:

She's the woman from the 'Clones' episode.

Troi:

What happened? You get her pregnant too?

Woman:

You mean you never told the tale? To amuse your shipmates. Never told the story about how Captain Jean Luc Picard marooned us and those pitiful clones on Agro Station 5?

Troi:

He had no choice. The episode was almost over. We had to do something with all of you. At least on Agro Station 5 there was hope. A chance for life ...

Woman:

THERE IS NO AGRO STATION 5!!!!

Takes a moment to calm down.

Woman:

Our moon, Agro Station 6 was actually a large space moose. Agro Station 5 was merely a space flea. Agro Station 6 swatted us out of orbit, and we began to freeze. We had to eat the clones to survive. Finally, my beloved da died, leaving me in charge.

Father:

I'm not dead, me dear!

Woman:

SHUT UP!

Troi:

I don't see what any of this has to do with us? Mr. Picard isn't even ...

Woman:

MISTER PICARD?!? MISTER PICARD? Mister Picard ... MISTER Picard never bothered to check up on us to see how we were doing.

Riker:

Geez, she makes it sound like it was fifteen years or something. It was just last season!

Woman:

Nevertheless, I intend to avenge myself upon him. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Beverly:

Oh, then you'll love Troi. She's another cold dish.

Crowd laughs.

Riker:

Hold on darlin'. I can handle this. Why don't you come with me into the office.

Woman:

All right, but don't try anything. These people live and die at my command. One word, and they'd rip your throat out.

Father:

How about a wee bit of gin (hic)?

Riker:

Set em up Wesley. I won't be long. Hold all calls.

Bar Crowd:

WILLIE! WILLIE! WILLIE!

Troi:

In my office?

Beverly:

Why don't you watch. Maybe you'll learn something. Like what a naked man looks like.

Troi:

I've seen PLENTY of naked men.

Beverly:

Yeah, but we're not in the holodeck now.

Crowd laughs.

Fade back in as Riker is exiting office.

Troi:

Well?

Riker:

Shhh. She'll be sleeping for a while. Poor dear's tuckered out.

Father:

Did you boff me daughter?

Riker:

Uh, yeah.

Father:

Jus checkin'. Pour me another tall one, me boyo.

Worf:

I like him!

Troi:

This is terrible. What's Jean Luc going to say?

Riker:

Nothing. He'll stop in, see everything's fine, and go back to shining his head or whatever he does when he's not here. The lady will be asleep for a while.

Troi:

... okay. But this better work.

Computer:

Mr. Picard's shuttle, now docking.

Troi:

Oooh, here he comes.

Door opens, and in walks Jean Luc, wearing an ancient yachting uniform. He walks around the bar, occasionally wiping his white-glovedhand on tables to check for dust.

Riker:

I think you'll find everything ship-shape, sir.

Picard:

Oh you do? We'll just see.

Troi:

Hi, honey. I've got everything running just fine.

Picard:

Well I have just been going over the books. It seems that this little operation here is the least profitable of my fleet. There are going to be some changes around here.

Beverly:

Like what?

Picard looks her over, then turns to Troi.

Picard:

Fire the bimbo, send the brat back to school, get rid of the vagrant Klingon ... and, oh yes, cut Mr. Riker's salary in half. We pay him far too much.

Beverly:

Why ... why ... LET ME AT THE BALD FART!!!

Riker:

Now, now. Let's calm down. He's the boss. When he's right he's right.

Beverly:

WHAT?

Picard:

It's nice to see that your sensible, Riker. After your bout with the bottle, I was sure you would never amount to anything again. That's why I had you court martialed. It's good to see you've gotten your act together.

Riker:

Oh, I'm MUCH better now. In fact, I'm SO grateful to you, I got you a little present.

Piker:

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Riker:

Oh yes I should. It's right in the office.

Troi:

But ...

Riker:

Yes you have a nice butt. But don't interrupt the boss.

Picard:

Really, Deanna. Know your place.

Troi:

Yes, SIR! Go right ahead.

Picard:

Thank you.

He enters room, and Riker slams the door shut and locks it. We hear several screams followed by phaser blast. Then a thud is heard and then silence.

Riker:

Drinks are on the house! I just 'inherited' the bar!

Crowd cheers wildly, followed by shouts of 'Willy'.

Troi:

I can't believe this. You just murdered Jean-Luc and stole his bar! Don't you have anything to say about it?

Riker:

Sure! Full speed ahead, Mr. Crusher!

He picks up Troi and carries her out.

Wesley:

Aye sir. Pouring drinks, Warp 9.