Scene: On bridge of USS Enterprise 1701 N

Likard:

Commander Waita, what is our ETA to earth2?

Waita:

Wasn't that show canceled?

Likard:

No, the colony!

Waita:

Oh, about 88 years, 2 months, 15 days, 7 hours, 33 second, 346 microseconds, and 9473534 nanoseconds. That's a long time to wait.

Joi:

Captain you're under a lot of stress!

Likard:

Shove it, counselor.

Joi:

Security to bridge. The captain said a bad word!

20 heavily armed security officers barge into bridge.

Borf:

Good job team. You guys belong on COPS.

Likard:

That wasn't very nice ...

Joi:

Shoot him!

Likard gives a fat lip to Borf.

Borf:

Oh ... not that look ... oh all right let him go.

Security team leaves.

Joi:

Ahhhhh! I hate you I hate you! (Joi jumps up and starts kicking Likard in the shins)

Likard:

Commander Likeher, get Joi off of me.

Likeher:

I wouldn't do anything to hurt her, because I likeher.

Likard pulls out phazer and cuts off Joi's arm.

Joi:

You're a meany ... I'm going to tell my mommy!

Likard:

Your ... mother? Oh no!!!! What have I done?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Joi:

Well, if you put my arm back together ...

Likard:

All right ... I'll get you an appointment with Doctor Husher and I'll promote you to Commander.

Joi:

Oh goody!

Likard:

Oh yeah, you'll still have to take the test ...

Joi:

OK (She grabs a phaser and heads for engineering, where LaMourge is working)

Likard:

(Taps communicator and initiates a shipwide comm) Attention all crew, I have just decided to buy a pygmy marmoset.

Waita:

Captain, you will have to let it swing around the ship looking for breakfast.

Likard:

What?

Waita:

Oh yeah, that was last season.

Husher:

(Over comm) Captain we all got a disease because Barkey got a cold.

Likard:

What are we going to do about it doctor?

Husher:

Hush Captain you're speaking much too loud.

Likard:

Sorry doctor.

The sound of the doctor's muffled scream is heard.

Borf:

(Over comm) Captain ... should I be using Scope?

Likard:

Why, what's wrong?

Borf:

Morning breath I think ... It was green!

Likard:

Nifty! Maybe you can use it to flavor my tea earl gray hot!

Joi walks in a borg suit.

Joi:

I became a borg so I could have a new arm.

Likeher:

Big improvement! Now I like you even more!

Waita:

Incoming message from a Romulan ship.

Likard:

Put it on the screen.

Waita writes "Message from a Romulan ship" on a post it notepad and sticks it the screen.

Likard:

The message R2, the message.

Waita:

Sir, I am not a moving trash can.

Likard:

Mearly an expression Data, now get back to work.

Tomahawk:

You're gonna dddddddiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!

LaMourge:

Engineering here sir. Tell Tomahawk to uses fewer letters, I've only got 8 megs of RAM left.

Likard:

I'll keep that in mind.

Betsy Crusher:

Sir am I almost off duty yet?

Likard:

Go ahead, and by the way, all that junk I said about you and the traveler was fake.

Betsy:

No it wasn't. I saw my daddy in the fire. He said I have to do what I feel is right.

Joi:

So what are you going to do?

Betsy:

Quit starfleet and play with the ... he he ... holodeck all day.

Meanwhile, Tomahawk has been destroying the Enterprise NCC 1701 N into orange juice pulp.

Scene: Betsy's pennies.

Betsy:

Now where did I put those porno hologram programs?

Looks around his pennies and finds a stack of disks.

Betsy:

Ahh, here they are. (He runs out)

Scene: Bridge

Borf:

What shall we do Captain. Destroy ourselves?

Likard:

Don't be an idiot Borf, fire phazers!

Borf pulls out his phazer and aims at the romulan ship on the viewscreen.

Likard:

Put that away Borf! I mean the ship's phasers.

Joi:

Captain, Borf is under a lot of stress, don't hurt his feelings.

Waita:

Yes captain, and, the ship's phazerrs are not functioning.

Likard:

Why not?

Waita:

Why would I know!? Do you think I'm some sort of machine?!

Likard:

Well, yes!

Waita:

Oh.

Scene: Holodeck

Computer:

You must 18 years or older to watch this program.

Betsy:

Override alpha alpha alpha beta gamma grapedy purple orangy orange raspberry red.

Computer:

Unauthorized usage. Ship holograms activated.

Betsy:

Oops. (Runs out of empty holodeck and looks out a window)

Betsy:

Cool.

Scene: Bridge

Likard:

(Over ship2ship comm) Romulan vessel, we would like to give you a little surprise ... our surren ...

Waita:

Waita minute, they've stopped firing.

Likard:

Viewscreen on ... Cool.

Waita:

Sensors report all of the romulans have stopped and are looking out the window.

Joi:

What is it?

Borf:

Cool.

Likeher:

Cool. But I still like Joi.

Waita:

I believe it is one of Betsy's pornos. Somehow it was loaded onto the ship projectors.

Likard:

Get us out of here, while we still can ...

Likeher:

Ohhh, just at the best part.

Scene: Romulan ship

Romulan Guy:

Sir they are getting away!

Romulan Captain:

Let 'em go. Magnification on full!