Elementary School, Dear Data

by Rob Miracle and Russell Billings 6 April 1989

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, its ongoing mission, to explore strange recycled worlds, to seek out higher order civilizations, to boldly steal plots from other shows.

Scene 1. The Enterprise is coming into orbit around a gray world with a clone of Space Dock orbiting.

Picard:

Captain's Log, Stardate 1A986B.FFE. I am still concerned as to whether or not this mandatory order to use hexadecimal numbers is rational or not. Regardless, it seems that we have been ordered to starbase 13A for an unexplained stop. I hope it isn't the Stargazer incident again.

Crusher:

Sir, Space Dock has placed us on automatic approach.

Riker:

I suggest we do it manually, Sir. The Binar's could be playing a practical joke here.

Picard:

Counselor, what do you think?

Troi:

I feel that this order is genuine. I sense no laughter.

Picard:

Mmm.

Pulaski enters from the ventilation duct.

Picard:

Doctor? Why don't you use the turbolift like everyone else does?

Pulaski:

Well, actually ...

Geordi enters the bridge from the turbolift at 220 mph. He flies across the bridge, into Dr. Pulaski, and knocks her back down the duct. Geordi gets up, unhurt.

LaForge:

(To Pulaski) Doctor are you o.k.?

Pulaski groans from below.

Picard:

Mr. LaForge! What happened?

LaForge:

I am trying to perfect that ride for Disneyverse. I almost have `The TurboLift' working properly. Wesley, it is time for you and the others to test it.

Wesley:

What about the Doctor? She sounded hurt.

Worf:

She was using an unsafe mode of travel.

Data:

And she was the one who hated to be transported in fear of how unsafe it was.

Riker:

Well ...

Worf:

CAPTAIN! an incoming message from Starbase 31A.

Picard:

31A? Aren't we at 13A?

Worf:

Sorry sir. Dyslexia.

Riker:

Dyslexia? I did not know tha ...

Picard:

ON SCREEN, Mr. Worf.

View of the screen. Judge Advocate General Phillipa Louvois's face appears.

Louvois:

Hello, Jean, dear.

Scene 2. The Leisure Bridge of the Enterprise.

Picard:

I will take it in my Ready Room.

Worf:

Aye Aye, sir.

Louvois:

Fine.

Picard walks to the ready room. He enters just as Phillipa finishes transporting in.

Louvois:

I had expected this after we talked business, but if you want it now that is fine by me.

Picard:

(Realization crosses his face) Not here. Not yet.

Louvois:

Oh. Business first, then.

Picard:

It isn't the Stargazer again, is it? I am getting a little tired of tha old plot device.

Louvois:

I do have some questions about that, but the reason that I ordered you here has to do with Commander Data.

Picard:

Not again.

Louvois:

Perhaps we should handle this in my office on the base.

Scene Three. Inside the JAG office of Starbase 13A.

Picard:

Ok, Phillipa, what is this about this time.

Louvois:

Since we have declared that Data is indeed a being with the rights and privileges of every Federation Citizen, he must also abide by the same rules and laws that we have laid forth.

Data gets an inquisitive look on his face, then a blank stare, as he accesses his library information.

Data:

Accessing ...

Picard:

He has broken no laws. He is the model person by which others should base their behavior.

Data:

I agree with the captain. I can find no laws that I have broken.

Louvois:

Data, you are a graduate of Starfleet Academy. This is one of the most difficult and most gratifying feats that one can accomplish. However, a review of your records show that you have an academic deficiency that needs to be corrected.

Both Picard and Data start to have inquisitive looks on their face

Louvois:

Captain, I am sorry, but Data must attend 12 years of school before he can rejoin your crew. It is the law.

Picard:

This is preposterous. It is obvious that he is knowledgeable enough to complete the academy. Forcing him to attend school would be a waste of Federation resources.

Louvois:

So Data is a resource, now. (Smiles real pretty)

Picard:

Please do not get started on that again.

Louvois:

By the way, Data, during your stay here, I would like to interview you to discuss how an android feels about being intimate.

Picard:

(Raging) I have had enough.

Louvois:

You haven't had anything yet, Jean Luc. So just calm yourself before I have to bring up past inadequacies.

Data:

I believe that a check of the Captain's records will show ...

Louvois:

Data, I am referring to something that you will not find in the log files.

Picard:

Wait. Data is a new life form. Other life forms that are members of the Federation do not have to attend school like we humans do.

Louvois:

Of course not. The difference is that Commander Data is counted as a human citizen, not as a member of another race.

Picard:

But he is not human. Why is he counted among us?

Data:

I filled out some forms sir.

Louvois:

Here are those forms. They clearly show that Data wished, as the only member of his race represented in the Federation, to have the laws of humanity apply to him. Had he chosen the laws of Vulcan we would have allowed self-training. I am sorry, Jean Luc.

Scene Four. The leisure bridge.

Worf:

Sir? Ensign Tsu reports hearing ... ghosts ... in the walls next to her room.

Riker:

...

Crusher:

Ghosts?

Riker:

Shut u ...

Worf:

She is calling them "groaning spirits" whatever they are.

Pulaski climbs back up from the ventilation ducts.

Pulaski:

She was hearing me, Worf.

Pulaski is bruised from her two storey fall. View of Worf shows his face screwing up in a knot.

Pulaski:

Why do I get the impression that now was not the time to join this ship?

Pulaski finally stands up, and turns to close the duct.

Riker:

Are you ...

Worf:

(Sneezing) AH-AH-KABOOOOOOOOOOM!

Pulaski is knocked back down the duct. Wesley is blown out of his chair, Riker is knocked into the view screen. Troi is showered with little bits of the remains of Worf's console.

LaForge:

Worf! Thanks for the idea. Now I KNOW that Disneyverse will buy my ride.

Pulaski groans from below.

Worf:

Sir, Ensign Tsu is reporting that there was a large explosion AND that the groaning is back.

Scene Five. The conference room. Present are LaForge, Troi, Picard, Crusher, Worf, and Riker.

Picard:

You have all heard the story. What can we do to get Commander Data back? Suggestions?

Riker:

Well ...

Troi:

The obvious solution is to enroll Data in elementary school here.

LaForge:

But that would leave him stuck on the Enterprise for 12 years ...

Riker:

But he ...

Crusher:

The Judge did not say that he had to take the classes in order. He could go to two grades at the same time.

Riker:

... Exactly what ...

Worf:

Captain, will I have to tuck him in, too? (Glares at Wesley)