Star Trek Eleventeen: The Hunt For Picard's Love Sack Ornaments

Ray Besser 24 March 2005
Copyright. Star Trek:TNG, Star Trek:Voy is owned by Paramount Studios.

The USS Titan is in orbit of Earth, the view from Captain Riker's office is lovely. Suddenly, he hears the sound of an incoming message from his desk monitor. It's Admiral Janeway and she looks concerned.

Riker:

Hello Admiral!

Janeway:

Don't call me that ... Call me Shenanigans McBooboo!

Riker:

(Strokes his beard) Okay.

Janeway:

I understand that you just returned from a mission in the Neutral Zone.

Riker:

Yes, that is accurate, Shenanigans McBooboo!

Janeway:

I see ... and don't call me that!

Riker:

(Puzzled) Okay ... what is this about?

Janeway:

(Starts parting her hair) I dunno ... maybe I just feel so lonely here.

Riker:

Ahh ... I meant why the high priority call?

Janeway:

(Looks serious) Oh ... I have a secret mission for you. Very mum!

Riker:

What about my mom?

Janeway:

Nothing ... it's a mission of a personal nature for you.

Riker:

Oh ... I just finished that a few minutes ago.

Janeway:

I don't follow you! (furrowing her brow)

Riker:

Bowel movement #5.

Deep pause.

Janeway:

I heard word from high ranking sources that Picard is attempting to break the Temporal Prime Directive!

Riker:

How did you get wind of this?

Janeway:

Romulans!

Riker:

Whaaa? I was just there ... no such mention of it. Surely someone might've mentioned it to me.

Janeway:

Oops ... I meant the ... the Vulcans?!

Riker:

HUH?

Janeway:

CRASH THE SHIP!!! (ducking under her desk)

Riker:

I'm turning my viewer off! (trying to look angry)

With that he turns the monitor off, he stands up and fetches himself a drink from the replicator. Suddenly his monitor summons him once more.

Riker:

Riker here?

Janeway:

CRASH THE SHIP!!! (waving her arms in the air)

Riker:

Look I don't have time for this ... just explain where I can find Picard!

Janeway:

Umm ... what?

Riker:

(Sighs) Where is Picard?

Janeway:

Ohh ... he is in the past. Approximately 114 years from now.

Riker:

How do you know all this? And don't say its the Romulans either. (furrows his right eyebrow)

Janeway:

Alright! (nodding)

Riker:

(Blinks) So who is it?

Janeway:

Janeway!? (putting her hand to her ear)

Riker:

This is bullshit!!! (turns off the monitor) Computer disable all incoming calls Top Priority or otherwise on this monitor.

The Computer chirps. Suddenly the voice of his first Officer Worf calls him to the bridge for the ship to receive its orders.

Riker appears from the turbolift and enters the bridge, it is very reminiscent of the Sovereign class design. Worf is at the Tactical station while Troi is seated beside the Captain's chair.

Worf:

Captain, we are ready to depart.

Riker:

(Sitting down) Well acknowledge Starfleet for our readiness.

Helmsman:

We are receiving orders on screen now.

Janeway:

CRASH THE SHIP!!! (ducking under her desk)

Worf:

Captain?! (looking at Riker)

Riker:

(Getting up) ADMIRAL!!!

Janeway:

(Peeking from under the desk) Yes?

Riker:

We need our orders to proceed with the Mission we spoke of earlier! (raising his right eyebrow)

Janeway:

Oh ... proceed as planned. I'll have my assistant send the protocol directive to your conn officer.

Assistant:

(Background) Ahh Admiral ... your meds have been confiscated by Starfleet Medical.

Janeway:

Quiet you. Janeway out.

The helmsman looks at the incoming order and proceeds to relay the orders to the various officers on the bridge.

Riker:

Titan out! (sitting down)

The viewer flicks back to the shot of Earth and various metallic structures in orbit. The Titan veers off into a warp effect.

Several hours before Janeway & Riker's exchange in his office. Picard appears in Janeway's office at Starfleet Headquarters.

Picard:

Admiral Janeway!

Janeway:

Captain Picard?! (standing up with mouth agape)

Picard:

Why are you trying to prevent me from my mission?

Janeway:

The Temporal Prime Directive is at stake.

Picard:

You didn't seem to mind breaking it whenever it suited you.

Janeway:

It was necessary and great many lives were in the crossfire of consequence.

Picard:

Well you've pointed out something for me!

Janeway:

And what would that be?

Picard:

Righting a wrong and that is what this is about! (approaching her desk)

Janeway:

And what wronged you?

Picard:

The Borg.

Janeway:

Hmm ... (curiosity piqued)

Picard:

I know you're curiosity is piqued. (approaching her closer)

Janeway:

How do you know that.

Picard:

I read it two lines above in the brackets.

Janeway:

(GASP) No!

Picard:

(Nods) Yes!

They jump into a dance number from C+C Music Factory momentarily.

Janeway:

OK I'll help you ... on one condition.

Picard:

Elaborate.

Janeway:

(Approaching at face with him) You tell me what exactly you are planning to do.

Picard:

(Turns away from Janeway) I don't have time for ...

Janeway:

(Grabbing him) Look. I've had my share of time line interference, so I have a knack for it ... so don't tempt me man, seriously ... DON'T!

Picard's eyes narrow as Janeway sears her evil eye into him.

Picard:

Alright! (voice cracking)

Janeway:

Okay. (sets herself against the desk and crosses her arms) Explain.

Picard:

I resigned my commission of the Enterprise.

Janeway:

I know that already.

Picard:

I could have done what I have been planning in recent months with it!

Janeway:

So?

Picard:

(Sigh) I realized I am in love with Beverly. We spent time together but we had a falling out because she feels she wants to have a child still ... with me. I do too. However, I am ...

Janeway:

Unable to have children?

Picard:

The Borg!

Janeway:

Castration when you were Locutus!

Picard:

Yes ... I want to be happy with Beverly.

Janeway:

(Eyes softening) I understand. You don't have any balls.

Picard:

Now you see why?

Janeway:

Maybe I can lend you mine. (smiling)

Picard:

No thanks!

Janeway:

I don't entirely understand what you plan to do. Do you plan on telling your younger self to avoid contact with the Borg?

Picard:

No ... that's not it. But I will definitely be running into my younger myself as well as the Borg. Quite unavoidable thanks to Q.

Janeway:

I see ... so how is the plan going to work.

Picard:

I plan to capture myself and take my testicles so that I may be with Beverly.

Janeway:

(Trying to contemplate the plan) ARRRRRGGGHHGGH!

Picard:

It's a flawless plan in my conclusion.

Janeway:

OK ... I have one more condition.

Picard:

What's that?

Janeway:

I go with you.

Picard:

Why?

Janeway:

I've indicated before my standing with these situations. As you say it, I'm flawless in the field of mucking about with the time line.

Picard:

You've got a point. Certainly there will be close friends curious as to our whereabouts.

Janeway:

Don't worry about my people ... they're all criminals and such he he.

Picard:

(Looking disgusted) I see.

Janeway:

Don't worry about your people as well. I'll throw them for a loop.

Picard:

They are just arriving from a mission in the Neural Zone. Inform them that I am deep in a Temporal Mission to the past ... or something elaborate.

Janeway:

OK ... meet me here in about 7 hours.

Picard:

Alright ... I'm only doing this because of your reckless Temporal record.

Picard disappears in a mist of glowing blue light.

Janeway:

(Punching in the assistant's number) Harry? I need you to prepare an order protocol for the USS Titan.

Harry:

It's just arrived in orbit. Certainly the crew would need som ...

Janeway:

Harry?!

Harry:

Yes Admiral?

Janeway:

Remember why I demoted you to my assistant?

Harry:

(Silence)

Janeway:

Anyway ... get right to it and remember to have the Doctor send in my supply of meds. I'm feeling slightly off today.

Picard's Personal Log: I am preparing myself for a very dangerous mission into the past. Its very likely that the result will be met with great consequence. Hopefully my accomplice is as lucky as her records show. I have spent most of the day with Beverly but now I have been summoned to see an old friend. It's possible she knows of my intentions ... I just hope I can convince her that time is a personal matter that needs to be corrected when it's necessary.

Picard enters the small apartment as he is welcomed by Guinan sitting at the kitchen table.

Guinan:

Picard! (waving him to a seat)

Picard:

(Taking a seat) It's been awhile.

Guinan:

You've been very busy even for a man without a ship full of crewmen to worry about.

Picard:

Well, it's all for the better ... but let's cut to it Guinan. I cannot fool you anyway.

Guinan:

(Opening a basket full of bread and breaking a piece off) Yes.

Picard:

And you think it foolish?

Guinan:

Any attempt by beings mortal or otherwise at changing the universe's intentions is a very dangerous game. (butters up the bread piece)

Picard:

But you've done it before.

Guinan:

Oh ... that's not entirely true.

Picard:

What of your presence in Earth's past?

Guinan:

Ahh ... that. Well let's just say I was naive at that age. (chomps down on the bread)

Picard:

Does Q have anything to do with it?

Guinan:

(Almost chokes on her bread) Ugghh. Hack hack.

Picard quickly gets up and grabs a glass from the cupboard and fills it with water from the kitchen sink.

Picard:

(Handing Guinan the glass of water) Were you lovers?

Guinan:

(Sipping the water) Not so fast ... This was about me Whoopi Goldberg doing this TV series to fill my poor acting resume.

She offers him a piece of bread but he nods to the negative.

Picard:

C'mon now Guinan ... What is your relationship with Q?

Guinan:

(Putting the bread away) This was a bad idea! Where's my agent?

Picard:

You & Q were lovers weren't you?

Guinan:

I should not have called you. (shaking her head)

Picard:

GUINAN ... WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH Q???

Guinan:

Honestly ... all this dialogue is whoosh. Over my head!!! (chuckles)

Picard:

JUST TELL ME!!!

Guinan:

(Turns around) YES! YES!! YES!!! WE WERE LOVERS STAR CROSSED.

70's porn music plays in the background.

Picard:

Was he good?

Guinan:

It was an interesting relationship. Although he was and is a very immature being.

Picard:

(Shaking his head) No, I meant was he good in bed?

Dramatic pause.

Picard:

Did you climax at all?

Guinan:

(Her right eye twitching) Shut up! I invited you here to tell you that screwing with the time line is bogus man.

Picard:

Was he hung? (serious tone)

Guinan stares into the camera.

Guinan:

I think its time for you to leave. (grabs the basket and hits Picard on the head)

Picard:

Does he have two testicles?

Guinan grabs him by the arm and throws him out of the apartment.

Picard:

Did he wear a condom? (crawling on the floor)

Guinan slams the door on his face.

Picard's Personal Log: To hell with the Stardate it doesn't make sense anyway. It's been 2 hours since I returned from Guinan's apartment, I don't understand her sudden violence towards me. I think she has many more mysteries about her that I have to find out someday. A wise man would tell me to sleep with her to gain knowledge of those secrets but I just don't find bull legged comediennes all that attractive. I guess it's just me and my red bush hang ups. Speaking of red bushes, I have an hour before I meet the crazy lady at her office. I have been thinking about this plan of mine. I'm starting to wonder whether this plan is a predestination paradox, much like those episodes of Star Trek. I don't recall how the Borg castrated me. Needless to say, it just boggles the mind.

USS Titan in orbit with a Strange Bubble Gum Pink Planet on viewer.

Riker:

What planet is this again? (to Worf)

Worf:

It's unnamed ... although there is a space buoy nearby indicating that the USS Intercourse once had a strange encounter here.

Troi:

I sense ... lots of hair.

Riker:

Hair? (looking at the viewer)

Troi:

Yes ... and lots of raunchy stuff that will probably never see the light of day, unless someone directs the author of this spoof to a raunchier version of Blah Trek.

Worf:

I highly doubt that anything or anybody lives on the planet Captain.

Riker:

Hmm ... well let's leave this place. I'm starting to feel attracted to you Worf.

Worf:

(Silence) <--- do I have to read that?

The Titan warps away from the planet.

Meanwhile on the surface the wind whips up dust devils and a single rolling tumble weed. Only it is laughing as it rolls.

Pubic Hair Mast:

Muhahahahahahaha! I am the pubic hair ma ...

Back at Starfleet. Janeway is pacing back & forth in front of her desk.

Janeway:

C'mon Jean Luc where are yo ...

Suddenly Picard appears in a mist of swirling blue light.

Picard:

Sorry for being so tardy. (smiling)

Janeway:

How do you do that? (looking puzzled)

Picard:

(Pulls out a portable transporter unit) This, see.

Janeway:

Hmm ... Gotta get me one of those.

Picard:

Anyway ... do you have the device?

Janeway pulls out a triangular shaped device from her desk. It has some similar lines reminiscent of a 24th century tri-corder.

Janeway:

I've already found the temporal and spatial coordinates and have entered them into the Tachyon Pulse unit.

Picard:

Well let us go before I am detected here.

Janeway:

Just a minute ... I need to pee so badly. (Does the pee pee dance)

Picard:

WHAT???

Janeway:

I've been here all day waiting on you. You bald bastard!

Picard:

We don't have time ... (pulls out his own personal tri-corder) I've been detected! The Temporal Investigation Agents are beaming into the building as we read these lines.

Janeway:

Computer erect a Temporal Forcefield over this section of the building!

The Computer chirps.

Picard:

Let's go.

Janeway:

Be right back, I need to pee.

Picard:

Ughh ... (pulls out a phaser like tool from his dress uniform and aims at Janeway)

Janeway:

(Shocked) What the hell is that?

Picard:

Stand still ... this might hurt.

A yellow light hits Janeway in the abdomen.

Janeway:

(Falls to the floor) ARRRGGGH!!!

Picard:

(Runs to pick her up) Let's go now.

Janeway:

(Hits him) The hell did you do to me?

Picard:

I transported your waste from your body. Now activate that device.

Janeway reluctantly activates the device and they disappear in a shimmering green glow. Meanwhile the yellow beam forms just inches from the ground and the yellow fluid falls to the floor in a trickle. Two TIS Agents appear at the door and lunge toward the signature of the temporal transport. They both slip on the yellow fluid on the floor and explode.

The USS Titan is in warp.

Worf:

Hmmm. (looking curiously at his sensors)

Riker:

What is it Worf?

Worf:

I think these protocol orders were done by a five year old autistic kid with bad hair.

Riker:

Meaning?

Worf:

Well we seem to be going the wrong way.

Riker gets up and looks at the viewscreen. He sees a strange purple haze appearing closer and closer on viewer.

Riker:

Helmsman ... did you charter the correct coordinates? (eyes glaring down on the Ensign at the helm)

The helmsman breaks out into tears. He starts bawling as Troi gets up from her chair beside Riker to console him.

Troi:

I sense a great deal of anguish from this poor soul.

The helmsman continues to cry ... Riker and Worf share a gross look.

Riker:

Worf ... all stop.

The ship stops instantly.

Worf:

We are deep within some kind of nebula ... classification is unknown to our ships records. It seems to have some temporal signature irregularities.

Troi:

I sense great pain from you Ensign. (brushing the Ensign)

The helmsman shakes as he is coddled by Troi.

Troi:

What is your name Ensign?

Worf:

Bleh ... you sense he has issues yet you don't know his name? (looking curiously at the Counsellor)

Troi:

Quiet Worf! (holds the crying Ensign)

Riker:

(Sitting back down into his seat and looking at his sensors) Hmmm ... There is a deleterious effect on the aft section of the ship from this nebula.

Troi:

What is the matter Ensign?

The helmsman continues to cry as Troi parts his wavy blonde locks.

Ensign:

I need someone to talk to. Please take me to your quarters.

Riker looks at the scene unfolding. Troi gathers the young Ensign and exits the bridge with him in tow.

Riker:

THE HELL IS GOIN' ON AROUND HERE!!! (getting up from his seat)

Worf:

Don't worry Captain. (tapping at his console)

Riker:

WHY NOT?

Worf:

He's gay!

Riker stares blankly at him.

Worf:

(Rolls his eyes) Man ... you are dense.

Riker:

He didn't look happy to me. In fact, he was crying and being emotional.

Worf:

He's a homosexual.

Riker's eyes grow bigger and then he starts to smile.

Riker:

Really? (big smile)

Worf:

Nerd!

Riker:

(Chuckles) He he ... well I'll be.

Worf grumbles something in Klingon.

Riker:

By the way Worf ... You're kinda hot! (winks at him)

Worf's eyes grow big as Riker returns back to his seat.

Meanwhile ... Picard with Janeway in his arms appears in a green fizzle inside the Borg Cube that assimilated Picard.

Picard:

(Immediately taking scans with a new probe in hand) Hmm ... good. I am about to be assimilated by the Borg. We have to keep out of sight.

Janeway slaps something over Picard's arm and does the same to herself.

Picard:

(Curious) What the hell is this?

Janeway:

It's a bio-dampener ... the Hansens invented it to go undetected inside Borg vessels.

Picard:

(Baffled) Who?

Janeway walks onto a catwalk leading into a hall with several Borg on tiers of alcoves regenerating. Picard follows all the while taking scans of the environment. Suddenly they cling to the wall as they hear the sound of a transporter beam. Meanwhile, the sound guy in the corner readies his kazoo.

Picard, Beverly, Data & Worf appear just inches from them.

Picard:

(Eye humping Beverly) Wow! Look at Beverly's ass.

Janeway:

(Disgusted) Errr ...

Picard B.C. (before castration):

Quick let's get to work before the Borg have finished repairing their vessel.

Picard B.C. and his crew disappear behind a corridor. Janeway starts snickering hysterically while she points at the hall.

Picard:

(Shocked) What is it?

Janeway:

Look at the cheesy sets. (laughing hard now)

Picard:

(Angry) Shut up you!

Meanwhile back on the Titan. Riker & Worf are walking down a corridor.

Worf:

Do you think it's wise leaving the ship to an inexperienced Ensign while we are in an unknown and dangerous nebula?

Riker:

Nah ... she'll be fine. Besides I have to check in on my wife. (smiling from ear to ear)

Worf:

I thought you weren't worried about her being with that guy?

Riker:

That's not what I mean.

Worf:

What then?

Riker:

(Shakes his head) Nothing Worf.

Worf:

(Stops in the middle of the hall) You've always said that, now just say what you want to say.

Riker having stopped looks evenly at his first officer.

Riker:

I'm the Captain Worf.

Worf:

You are off duty ... Sir! (grimaces)

Riker smiles.

Riker:

(Begins to to walk again) Well ...

Worf:

(Follows him) What is it?

Riker:

My wife has found a man sensitive to play with. Women get off on men like that yet they run to you when they can't get them beyond the sentimentality.

Worf:

(Contemplating the thought) Hmmm?

Riker smiles some more as they approach his and Troi's quarters.

Worf:

I don't completely understand. (baffled)

Riker:

I'm a man Worf ... and Ensign Bukkake is not! (taps at the doors controls which opens up)

They walk in on Troi and Ensign Bukkake naked on the bed passed out.

Worf:

What does this mean?

Riker:

C'mon Worf ... its' not that hard to think about.

Worf:

I heard rumours only. (eyeing the nude duo)

Riker:

(Sighing) I hate it when I'm wrong.

Worf:

So Ensign Bukkake is the one that's called cry baby on the ship?

Riker:

'Fraid so.

The Ensign quickly gathers his clothing upon being woken by the noise of Worf & Riker's conversation.

Worf:

It was a ruse?

Riker:

Indeed it was ... indeed it was. (sighs)

Ensign Bukkake:

Captain ... Commander. (nods)

The Ensign walks by with a big smile on his face. He mockingly feigns an effeminate gesture at Worf.

Worf:

You don't wish to exact any revenge on him? (looking at the door)

Riker:

Somehow I think that would only make it worse.

Worf:

Well if it's any consolation ... I had her too and it wasn't all that great. (trying to smile)

Riker begins to cry.

Back on the Borg Cube. Janeway & Picard are dodging drones which are actively engaged in a fire fight with the Enterprise D.

Picard:

The assimilation chamber is this way ... (runs past several drones into a corridor)

Janeway following along looks around the cube curiously trying to remember a Borg Cube's insides. They enter the chamber where Picard's screams can be heard.

Picard:

We must hurry. (panting)

Janeway:

I know. (pacing)

They find several drones working over Picard's past self on a table ... they leave shortly when the nanoprobes have taken their effect. They approach the table with Picard B.C. on it and immediately go to work.

Picard:

(Apprehensive) I really don't know how to continue ... I never really thought this far.

Janeway:

Where is that tool you had ... the one that transports matter from the body.

Picard:

(Searches himself) It's right ...

Janeway:

(Waving a tri-corder over the other Picard) Quick ... if we delay any further, the nanoprobes will reach his scrotum and detach the jewels from the crown.

Picard pulls out the transport probe and immediately Janeway takes it.

Picard:

(Looking at her) How are we going to ...

Janeway:

I've got it figured out ... hold him still.

Janeway shoots the beam at the Borgified Picard on the table. The Borg Picard convulses as she directs the beam towards his nether regions. After doing so Janeway looks at the read out on the probe's small LCD screen.

Picard:

Well?

Janeway:

(Smiling) I've got them ... get ready.

Picard:

(Surprised) Wait no ...

The beam hits his crotch and he falls to the floor and damages his bio-dampener. Janeway quickly grabs him as a klaxon wails throughout the vessel. Janeway grabs him just in time as three drones appear from the entry way scanning the environment.

Picard:

Thank you.

Janeway:

Shh ... The bio-dampener can't take much more of this. Yours is unrepairable. (looking it over

They huddle together and begin to walk towards the entry way making their escape. Upon doing so Picard rips Janeway's bio-dampener and slaps it on himself. Janeway falls to the floor and Picard quickly grabs the Tachyon Pulse from her hands and immediately presses the button to activate it. But it doesn't work.

Janeway:

(Getting up) What the hell are you doing?

Picard:

(Shaking his head) Damn ... we're too close to the central plexus. I need to move towards the hull.

Several drones appear from the entry way and quickly spot Janeway. Picard spots them and runs with Janeway chasing after him.

Janeway:

How dare you!

Picard:

I won't let anything stand in my way ... surely a sacrifice is necessary. Who better than someone whose luck needed to run out during season 5.

He makes it to the hall where he saw himself and his former crew beaming in hours ago. Janeway lunges at him but he disappears in a blue fizzle of light before Janeway can make contact.

Suddenly he finds himself on the galley of the USS Titan. He checks the probe's sensors but it suddenly burns out. He recognizes the ship and immediately taps his comm badge.

Picard:

Picard to anyone. Answer me.

Riker:

Picard?!

Picard:

Yes ... meet me in the galley.

Riker:

Am on my way ...

Picard smiles and looks out at the beautiful purple haze of the nebula outside. Then remembering what he went through he immediately takes scans of himself to find that he is in fact loaded. He starts to laugh but a solemnity enters his thoughts. He tries to rationalize sacrificing Janeway hoping she made it. Before he could consider any other thoughts Riker, Worf and several Starfleet officers appear with compression phaser rifles in hand.

Riker:

Who are you and how did you get onto this vessel?

Picard:

Will ... it's a long story. But suffice to say it ... my mission was a success.

Riker:

What mission?

Picard:

Confidential. (approaches Will with a smile)

Captain's Log: Sensors are still erratic but we have decided to proceed cautiously towards home hoping our sensors are correct. We will be in range of Earth in 15 minutes. As for now ... I have Picard on my ship with a great deal of questions I have for him. I have asked him to meet me here and explain his mission if at all to me.

Riker is seated in his office chair when the door comm chirps.

Riker:

Come in.

Picard enters with a smile on his face.

Picard:

Well ... Captain Riker indeed. (he approaches with glee)

Riker:

(Trying to be serious but fading) Please sit down.

Picard takes the seat facing the desk.

Riker:

I know asking this will not matter but as a friend ... I am asking. What was your mission?

Picard:

(Smile fading) I won't tell you ... I'm an Admiral. That is the perk of being an Admiral.

Riker:

Admiral Janeway gave me this mission to capture you ... she said you were on an unauthorized mission to the past.

Picard:

(Getting up) That bitch ... now I feel better that I left her there.

Riker:

(Getting up in anger) WHAT? How could you do such a thing?

Picard:

Please ... tell me of anyone who hasn't had the urge to knock that battle axe down a notch or two.

Riker:

(Contemplating) You do have a point there DAMNIT!!!

Picard:

The mission was personal yes ... I'm sorry but things will be better for it.

Riker:

How can you say that ... tampering with the time line is dangerous.

Suddenly the ship jostles out of warp. The comm chirp comes through from Worf.

Worf:

Captain ... Admiral. Please report to the bridge.

Riker and Picard share a look and head for the door. They enter the bridge momentarily and look on the viewscreen.

Riker:

What is it Worf?

Worf:

Earth ... it's gone!

Picard studies the image on the viewer and sees that familiar shape of the Earth's moon, however Earth itself is not there.

Worf:

I'm detecting a graviton flux ... and ...

Suddenly several thousands of cubes appear as the Borgified Earth decloaks. Several cubes tether tractor beams on the Titan which jostles.

Worf:

We are being hailed on the viewer.

Riker/Picard:

Let's see it ... (they share a look)

The viewer image flickers and suddenly a familiar silhouette appears on screen. The green glow of the collective in the background and the sound of static charges. The voice of the Borg utters its familiar tag line.

Suddenly the Queen emerges from the shadows, only it's Janeway.

Janeway:

I am the Borg.

Riker and crew gasp ... Picard smirks.

Picard:

Somehow I knew you'd be the bitch that killed humanity.

Janeway:

It was your selfish act that brought this upon humanity ... but now it's come full circle. You will be assimilated.

Riker angrily approaches Picard.

Riker:

She's right ... your mission failed miserably and now look at us.

Picard momentarily grabs Riker and hushes into his ear.

Picard:

I knew this would happen ... I have a plan. I have a means of destroying the Borg for good. Just follow along OK?

Riker:

(Considers it but agrees.) OK ...

Picard:

What will you do now?

Janeway:

We will assimilate this vessel and the crew.

Picard:

Kathryn Janeway would never give into the Borg.

Riker eyes Worf who is seen to tapping at the weapons console. (a shot of an Eskimo taking a dump in the arctic plays out excruciatingly slow)

Janeway:

Irrelevant ... Kathryn Janeway ceased to exist 16 years ago. Only the Borg exist now.

Picard:

I don't believe that ... I think she is in there somewhere.

Janeway:

Indeed ... the memory of Kathryn Janeway exists in the Borg but she understands the Borg. She is Borg. We are Borg.

Picard:

I think Kathryn wants to help the Borg ... but she needs someone to help her.

Janeway:

(Approaching the viewer closer until her eyes are evidently curious) Elaborate!

Picard:

Someone like me ... Locutus can bring Humanity and the Borg together. Was that not what the Borg intended when the Queen was created?

Janeway:

Humanity and the Borg are now one.

Picard:

No ... I understand the Borg. I know they crave something else. Something Humanity has and the Borg cannot assimilate.

Janeway:

(Blinking) Elaborate!

Picard:

A soul ...

Borg cubes in the background do a dance motion from Swan Lake.

Riker:

Admiral I think we should ...

Picard:

(Shushes him) Take me and spare this vessel and her crew. I will stand by the Borg as Locutus ... willingly. I will help the Borg find that unattainable quality.

Janeway flutters her eyes. Riker and Worf share a smile as some of the crew look relieved.

Voice:

We already have that and more Admiral. NO DEAL!

Another silhouette appears behind Janeway.

Riker:

What the ...

Janeway:

Captain ... Admiral. Allow me to introduce Snake ... Snake Griffin.

Borg Stewie appears beside Janeway with a wicked smile on his pale Borgified face. They embrace in a kiss as Riker and Picard's mouth fall agape in shock.

Janeway:

As you can see Admiral ... you made a big mistake thinking you could screw me over back there.

Picard:

I still have the device ... (smirking)

Stewie:

(Pulling out the device into view) What ... do you mean this, you British fart?

Picard and Riker's faces contort.

Janeway:

We beamed it over and now we will do with it what we did with Jimmy Hoffa.

Stewie:

Or Jesus for that matter ... BA-ZING!!! (laughs overactingly)

Riker & Picard embrace in a hug for the hell of it.

Stewie:

Now you will all be ass mutilated! (his laugh can be heard throughout the quadrant)