Star Trek: The Four Phasers

Ray Besser 24 March 2005

Picard is on the bridge of the Enterprise D when Q appears from a flash.

Picard:

Q!!! (Angrily approaches the omnipotent being)

Q snaps his fingers and freezes everyone in the room except for Picard's mouth.

Q:

Not so fast Jean Luc. I've been watching all of you over the years ... and I think its high time we all had some fun, don't you?

Picard:

(Mumbling) Mnshhsfpff.

Q Snaps his fingers and suddenly Picard finds himself on a field full of flowery pastures. All cel shaded of course.

Picard:

What the ... (looking at the curious enviroment)

Three other flashes appear just a few metres from each other.

Sisko:

Where the hell am I? (looking at the distant standing figures approaching one another)

Sisko squints trying to see the others.

Janeway:

Who are you? (approaching)

All three meet at once.

Picard:

Captain Janeway! (extending his hand to greet her)

Janeway:

Call me Kathryn! (receiving his hand)

Sisko looks on with a sullen look on his face. Janeway extends her hand to greet him.

Sisko:

(Reluctantly) I thought you got lost?

Janeway:

(Smile fading from her face) We we're on our way back home.

Picard:

(Extending his hand to Sisko) No grudges!?

Sisko:

(Crosses his arms) Kiss my grits Locutus.

Picard retracts his arm and looks slightly bothered with Sisko as Janeway looks at the lone figure approaching them cautiously. All eyes squint under the bright warm cel shaded glow of the light to see who it is that is approaching. It turns out to be none other than ...

Kirk:

Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise!!! (extending his hand to the awestruck Captains staring at him)

Sisko:

(Taking his hand first) Captain Benjamin Sisko, USS Defiant and Commander of Deep Space Nine!

Kirk smiles although a little baffled by the statement and moves onto Picard.

Picard:

Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise D and eventually E. (smiling as he takes the legendary Captain's hand)

Kirk:

You're from the future? (looking at Picard evenly)

Picard:

Yes ... (retracting his hand) late 24th centu ...

Janeway:

(Interrupting) We all are from that time. (motioning to the three of them)

Kirk approaches Janeway and puts on his best face.

Kirk:

And who might you be? (taking her hand in a soft embrace)

Janeway:

(Blushing) I am Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager.

Kirk:

Voyager eh ... (smiling at the thought)

Sisko:

Pfff ... (sulking again)

Picard:

The hell is wrong with you?

Sisko:

Shut up man ... don't even talk to me.

Picard:

And why not?

Kirk and Janeway continue to flirt while Sisko and Picard bicker.

Sisko:

(Getting angrier) You have some nerve talking to me Picard!

Picard:

I'm only trying to be diplomatic about this. What happened at Wolf 359 was horrible to be sure. I was not myself, you must understand what the Bo ...

Sisko:

You killed my wife Picard! (overacting)

Kirk and Janeway catch wind of the argument.

Janeway:

Oh boo hoo. (approaching Sisko) You're a Starfleet officer! Not some sulky teenager who abandons his training the moment his family becomes an unnecessarily lame plot device to kick start his series.

Sisko:

Be quiet you runt! Do you know what she did on her first mission as Captain of her vessel? (looking at Picard and Kirk)

Picard:

Crashes the ship?

Kirk:

Has sex with her first officer? (shrugs)

Sisko:

She gets her ship lost on the other end of the galaxy and then mommy nurse maids a bunch of losers. (making a mocking face)

Picard:

Well it may have been unavoidable ... you on the other hand let a cult convince you that you were their messiah. (raising an eyebrow)

Janeway:

(Looking sternly at Sisko) Yeah what the fuck was up with that ... even Toto knew the Wizard was just a man behind the technology. Silly Prophets crap!! (rolls eyes)

Sisko:

Quiet you insane psycho bitch! Why don't you go RESET YOURSELF UNTIL YOU FADE INTO OBLIVION!!! (voice trembling)

Picard:

(Sigh) Why does your voice tremble like that? That's not very good acting!

Sisko:

Say one more word Picard, and I will crack open your shiny bald ...

Janeway:

Okay. no more bickering. This isn't helping. (trying to keep her voice even)

Kirk:

Actually this is fun. (looking on)

Picard:

(Taking Kirk's attention to goad him on) Yes ... and then he failed his mission to bring Bajor into the Federation.

Janeway:

And then he died or something to that effect. (motioning with her hand)

Kirk, Janeway & Picard laugh as Sisko looks on.

Sisko:

(To Picard) Be quiet at least I still have my BALLS!!! (bursts out laughing)

Picard:

How do you know that? That was only a deleted scene mentioned in First Contact! BLASPHEMY!!!

Kirk furrows his brow as Sisko looks on.

Sisko:

He was Locutus ... the Borg castrated him when he was assimilated. (looking at Kirk)

Kirk clutches his crotch and makes a face. Picard blushes while Janeway smirks.

Janeway:

I swear I might have seen something wrinkly and shriveled on a Borg cube once. It smelt funny too, at first I thought it was a dead Tribble the Borg may have tried to assilmate. I then realized how stupid that was so abandoned that line of thought. (Sisko and Janeway nearly collapse in laughter)

Picard:

Quiet you buffoons ... at least my show didn't tank. (sticks tongue out at them)

Janeway:

Oh really?! The first what ... 2 seasons of your show were pale imitations of his show. (looking at Kirk)

Picard:

And your show was a diluted version of our later seasons! (raising an eyebrow)

Sisko:

(Nodding) True!

Janeway:

Shut up, your show was 80's schlock! (at face with Picard)

Sisko:

(Nodding and looking at Picard) Yep! True on that account as well.

Picard:

My show resurrected Star Trek. (looking at Kirk with a smile)

Kirk looks on baffled by all of this.

Sisko:

My show was the better show ... it was fairly realistic and dark.

Picard:

That doesn't mean it was better!

Janeway:

A bunch of teen angst film refugees all bundled up into one lame show that didn't pick up until a war was thrown in during the middle of the show's run. (rolls eyes)

Sisko:

Be quiet Janeway ... your show didn't pick up until Boobs of Nine showed up and then her appeal only lasted til season 5. Then she became just another annoying smart bimbo. (shifts his head like a proud momma)

Picard:

(Chuckles) Ahem ... psst.

Sisko:

The hell was that about? (to Picard)

Picard:

(Looking serious) Your show was so dull I went and got old just being associated with it!!!

Sisko:

The fuck ... (grabs Picard by the neck and they get into a fight)

Kirk stands with his arms crossed laughing as Janeway sighs. Picard jabs Sisko in the throat with his hand but Sisko rips Picard's dress uniform exposing Picard's short and grey curlies.

Sisko:

Aha!!!

Sisko grabs for Picard's short and grey curlies. They come off without much force.

Sisko:

What the hec ... (holding the soft downy grey whisps)

Picard:

Aha!!! (punches Sisko on his head which sends Sisko reeling to the ground)

Janeway:

STOP IT ALREADY! (grabbing both by the ear and hulling them up)

Sisko:

Oww you crazy bitch. (slapping her arm away)

Picard:

Oww mum! (rubbing his released ear)

Janeway composes herself as Kirk looks on with eyebrows dancing their seductive attempts.

Sisko:

(Still holding Picard's short and curlies he tore off) The fuck ... dust bunnies!

Picard:

That hurt, you hooligan.

Janeway:

Okay enough.

Sisko:

Don't you ever shut up? (looking at Janeway)

Picard looks at his chest as Kirk approaches him.

Kirk:

Captain of The Enterprise D huh? (smiling is he eyes Janeway & Sisko bickering)

Picard:

Yes ... Galaxy class starship.

Kirk:

Never heard of it.

Picard:

Well I should think not ... its a new design. She is quite a massive bird.

Sisko:

Then you crashed the ship how many times? Not to mention amnesia by episode's end! Can anyone say FRANCIS FORD CRAPPOLA? (voice trembling)

Janeway:

Well at least I didn't incite a war between the Alpha Quadrant with a bunch of drug peddling Jello people! BILL COSBY SHOULD HAVE BEEN SISKO ... HEY HEY HEY!!! (done in a Fat Albert voice)

Sisko:

(Pointing at Janeway) You did worse ... you probably have the entire Delta Quadrant spitting curses at the mention of your name. Captain LAMEWAY, Captain CRASHTHESHIP, Captain MANYHATS, Captain PRUDE!!!

Janeway:

HOW DARE YOU ... YOU ASSHAT!

Sisko laughs and looks at Picard and Kirk discussing the Enterprise D.

Sisko:

What else did she do!? (looking at Kirk who seems engaged with Picard)

Pause ...

Sisko:

She murdered several crewman, tampered with the Prime Directive as well as the Temporal Prime Directive. The list goes on.

Janeway:

Like you never did? (looking quizzically at Sisko)

Sisko:

Sh'yeah ... at least when I did, I didn't spit out a bunch of technobabble to magically work things out in the end. (laughing aloud)

Janeway:

Yeah, instead you threw a bunch of psuedo religious mumbo-jumbo and voila ... the prophets divine intervention. (mocking voice)

Sisko:

Pff ... and now there's that ditty you pulled on Chakotay. (crossing his arms)

Janeway:

(Baffled) What the hell are you talking about?

Sisko:

You turned an otherwise ruggedly man into a ... (flicks his right wrist for emphasis)

Janeway gasps and then she and Sisko continue to bicker.

Kirk:

How did I get here? (looking at Picard evenly)

Picard:

(Surprised by the question) An omnipotent being brought you and us here.

Kirk:

I did encounter a strange being on my bridge.

Sisko & Janeway catch wind of Picard and Kirk's discussion.

Sisko:

He goes by the name of Q.

Kirk:

Q? (baffled by the name)

Picard:

Did he not give out his name?

Kirk:

(Looking at them with wonder) No! He told me his name was Trelane ... I've encountered him before.

The Captains ponder the name.

Janeway:

I recall reading one of your missions, Trelane. Omnipotent being ... could Q & Trelane be the same being?

Q:

(Appearing in a flash) In so many words ... Not really.

Kirk:

Who the hell are you?

Q:

I am Q. I've brought you here with these three to have some fun.

Kirk:

You brought me here? (curious)

Q:

Yes.

Picard:

Why?

Q:

(A chair magically appears as Q sits into it) Oh to amuse myself ... we omnipotent beings like to see ego driven fleshbags such as yourself trying to equate your rationale with the clever designs we tend to throw your way. Its the only real perk about being a Q ... oh except for the amazing scented toilet paper in every john at Denny's. (smiling)

Q snaps his fingers and the chair disappears as he approaches the four Captains.

Kirk:

Q huh? (looking ready to strike)

Q:

Ahhh ... the imputable Captain Kirk. (smug)

Kirk:

DO I KNOW YOU? (grabbing his phaser)

Q:

Actually I know you. Its a shame you don't recognize me simply by my sheer abilities. (looking over his fingernails)

Kirk:

Trelane? But you were just a child then. (shocked)

Q:

Hardly ... just a game, only the way you saw it. It was something only your feeble senses could allow. That timeline was so droll they wouldn't know a God from a plate of Gagh.

Sisko, Picard & Janeway look each other over.

Janeway:

(Approaching Kirk & Q) Okay Q, explain why you've brought us here, and don't simplify by saying it is for fun. Because as much as I enjoy being around Captain Kirk and my contemporaries ... I have to say I don't like this one bit.

Q:

Ahhh ... Captain Janeway. (approaching her with seduction)

Janeway looks annoyed.

Q:

(Looking to the other Captains) You know I offered to get her home sooner if she would be the mother of my child!

Picard:

What happened?

Janeway:

I refused. (eyes drilling into Q)

The three men gasp.

Q:

Yes! She refused me? A GOD!!! (feigning his anguish)

Picard/Sisko/Kirk:

PRUDE!!!

Q:

Tell me about it ... (strutting to the other men) I mean c'mon, she's only beautiful when she's angry.

Janeway sulks as the four men laugh it up.

Q:

(Shifting his attention to Sisko) Ahh ... and then there is the angry black guy.

Sisko's face contorts and lunges at Q and punches him. Q falls backwards but quickly gets up in hysterics.

Q:

(Smiling) If you only knew how easy it would be for me to smite you dear Sisko ... but those dang prophets would be barraging the continuum with annoying pamphlets about Bajor. Oy!

Sisko:

I don't like you!

Q:

(At face with him) Too bad ... I like you, you silly man.

Q then shifts his attention to Picard.

Q:

And then there is Picard. You and I have quite a bit of history, don't we? (circling him)

Picard:

By history ... do you mean your complete and utter intrusion into our affairs? (eyeing him sharply)

Kirk crosses his arms trying to figure Q out.

Q:

(Giddy) Jean Luc ... There are so many ways I'd like to have you broken to pieces. Your arrogant nature is still simmering under that calm discplined Starfleet exterior. Unlike Sisko here ... you seem to have a bit of control. That doesn't make you worthy though, my dear Capitane.

Sisko grumbles something incoherently as Janeway looks on.

Picard:

(Shouting at Q) We are not SAVAGES!!!

Q:

You haven't learned anything have you ... oh well. Too bad for you, you feeble whiney fart.

Picard:

I don't know what you mean! And I refuse to hear any more insults coming from yewww!!!

Q:

(Blinking at him) It's really unfortunate. You're way more arrogant than you would care to admit. Even the Pakkled know of this.

Kirk:

What about me? (eyeing Q harshly)

Q:

(Approaching) Sweet Kirk ... my favourite savage mortal. I'd tell you tales of our many encounters but it's really too difficult still, even for you to comprehend.

Kirk:

I do remember something of you ... even beyond Trelane.

Q:

(Face to face) Ahhh now see, that is where you fail me. Put that aside and it will come to you.

Kirk ponders the thought as Q's expression changes from giddy to disappointed.

Kirk:

I can't. (eyeing the others)

Q:

Well that is too bad. It's there somewhere I tell you ... Tiberius was no mere accident. (smirking)

Kirk is genuinely baffled by all of this while the others share the same perplexed look.

Q:

(Heads to Sisko pointing a finger) He is something I could use ... but those sneaky wormhole aliens have dibs on him.

Q runs over to Janeway as the others follow his movement.

Q:

(Putting his hands on her shoulders) And her? Well ... she is far more reckless even for a human. It's true what they say about her ... WHOA MAN!!!.

Janeway shrugs him off still annoyed. Q now approaches Picard again.

Q:

(Patting him on the back) I'll admit one thing about Picard though.

Picard's eyes beam.

Q:

(Smiling at him) He sure does talk a lot!

They all laugh except for Picard. Picard goes to object but Q runs back to Kirk.

Q:

But you ... you have a mixture of all that and more. You'd be a fine member.

The others look on curious but ultimately shocked at Q's proposal.

Kirk:

(Thinking) A member... are you asking me to join you somewhere?

Q:

It's not merely me asking ... it's up to you to realize that you belong with the continuum. Frankly we need you. Star Trek needs you.

There is a long silence.

Picard:

(Interupting) But he doesn't even know what you are offering.

Janeway:

(Adding) Nor does he know what the continuum is.

Sisko:

(Curious with eyes shifting) I wish I could add something. (to Q) I just don't like you.

Q looks at him feigning surprise.

Q:

(Shifts attention back to Kirk) I'll leave it to you ...

With that Q is gone in a flash once more and the four Captains are left there to ponder Q's proposal. Moreso Kirk is deeply surprised by the idea of exploring what the Q being is really offering him.

187 hours later the Four Captains are slouching by a rock near the grassy cel shaded splendor of this off beat realm.

Sisko:

(Getting up) Well ... I'm officially bored.

Picard:

(Sarcastic) Surprising?

Sisko:

(Eyes fixxing on Picard) WHAT WAS THAT?

Picard:

(Ignoring him) I can't believe we just sat here the whole time! (getting up as well)

Janeway momentarily looks at them and then looks at Kirk who has stayed a short ways away from the group, contemplating the proposal set to him by an obviously powerful being. Kirk notices the commotion and gets up and approaches Sisko and Picard.

Sisko:

We did nothing but sit here. How fucking stupid is that??? (arms stretched out)

Picard:

We should have been doing something? (circling Sisko)

Sisko:

We ... could have ... (searching for ideas) could've found a way out of here.

Kirk:

Called Q?

Picard:

Poked a stick into Janeway? (looking at her sitting by the rock)

Kirk:

Or poked her with something else ... (winks at her)

Sisko:

Or thrown her off a cliff ... hehe. They'd just reset button her anyway.

Kirk/Picard:

Oh right ... (disappointed)

Janeway gets up surprising the group of men.

Janeway:

THAT'S IT!

The men stop slightly startled by her sudden outburst.

Sisko:

We were only kidding about that ... kinda. (smirking)

Janeway:

(Eyeballing the men) I just had an epiphany ... the reason Q brought us here is to pit us against each other. Now, if I am correct in my assessment of Q, the proposal he made to Kirk is the clue.

The men approach slightly curious but catching on.

Janeway:

I think Q's offer to Kirk is a ruse. It's false and it's the gimmick.

Picard:

(Thinking) By bringing us here and offering the least of us ... no offense (to Kirk) ...

Kirk:

(Crossing arms) I'll have you know I was saving the Galaxy while you wer ...

Picard:

Be quiet ... I saved the universe.

Sisko:

I'm a saviour to an Alien race and child to Godly beings!

Janeway:

Kicked the Borg's ass and messed with the universe.

Smothering Kirk who quickly takes the hint.

Faint voice of Johnathan Archer:

What about me?

There is silence.

Janeway:

Anyway, the clue is Kirk. The trap is the proposal and knowing Kirk from Starfleet records, he will take the offer because he is such a blowhard.

Kirk:

Hey ... I thought you and I were getting kinda hot under the ho ...

Janeway:

(Eyeballing him) And risk any number of STDs. No thanks!

Kirk:

C'mon babeh ...

Janeway:

Nuh uh ... even the sponge people of Splooge III had limits. But you ... the biggest slut in the galaxy.

Picard and Sisko nod as Kirk grimmaces.

Kirk:

Well ... I didn't think those medical records would ever see the light of day.

Janeway:

Now ... Kirk is clue. All we need now is for him to take the bait.

Picard:

What do you say Kirk. (looking to Kirk)

Kirk turns away insulted by the idea and the nerve of these elitist pricks.

Kirk:

Well I don't know if I want to now. (pouting)

Picard:

(Stepping forward to him) Come now Captain ... you know this is how Q really sees you.

Kirk:

I think you're jealous.

Janeway:

Don't you want to beat Q at his own game?

Sisko:

(Sounding off) NOW NOW .... Wait a minute.

The three look him over.

Sisko:

How do we know that this isn't what Q wants?

There is a pause for thought on his question by all involved.

Sisko:

How do we know he isn't listening right now ... it doesn't matter either way.

Picard:

He's right. Q is manipulating us no matter what.

They all share a look.

Kirk:

Then what do we do? How do we outsmart a God?

Janeway:

Q is no God.

Picard:

She's right.

Sisko:

No ... he may not be godly but he is omnipotent.

They ponder the thought still when Picard speaks up.

Picard:

Does anyone have any ideas?

Sisko shakes his head to the negative as well as Janeway.

Kirk:

(Smiling) Just one!

All three stand at attention and look for his answer.

Picard/Sisko/Janeway:

What is it?

Kirk:

THIS!!!

He aims his phaser at the trio and zaps them into oblivion. Kirk looks on as the environment around him dissolves into the bridge of the Enterprise.

Q:

Very well done!

Kirk:

Q?!

Q momentarily shifts his appearance from Trelane into a multitude of faces until resuming his original guise.

Kirk:

I understand now ... you were a Trelane so I could understand what it means to be Q.

Q:

(Smiling) Indeed, now come my child. All of that that you saw was not real. Just a false creation to amuse myself and remind you to come home.

Kirk:

Seeing those three I almost believed it, but I realized humanity had not evolved beyond what the Great Bird aspired for when we began this Trek.

Q:

I know, I know! But sometimes we have to see the flaws in us all to move on. But all of that is over. We have to leave now.

Kirk:

How do I leave here?

Q:

(Shocked) Perhaps I was wrong about you dear child!

Kirk:

(Smirking) Oh wait ... now I remember.

With that he snaps his fingers and disappears in a flash. Q smiles and follows suit leaving the bridge of the Enterprise empty with the viewscreen showing a starfield in the background.

Ghost of Johnathan Archer:

(Faintly) What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???