The Wraith of Kahn

Story Idea by: Russell Billings
Written by Elizabeth Muncy, Russell Billings, Rob Miracle and David E. Brooks Jr 27 April 1989

The Enterprise is warping though space. Captain Picard is in the ready room reading a magazine which we can't see the cover, but it has in the center, a three page fold out. A bee-Yoo-tiful nebula can be seen in the distance off the port bow. The intercom interrupts the captain.

Voice:

Captain, this is Lt. LaForge, I think someone has stolen a magazine from my cabin.

Picard:

What is it ... er what magazine is it Lt.? (To the viewers) I'm not going to get wrapped up in that stupid "Airplane" humor again!

Voice:

(Embarrassed) It is "Star Fleet Babes — Call us Mister."

Fade to the Opening Credits, Picard's voice is dubbed over the soundtrack we have all come to know and love. Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its ongoing mission, to explore strange recycled worlds, to seek out higher order civilizations, to boldly steal plots from other shows.

Fade out to an Oil of Old Age commercial ...

Picard:

(Obviously VERY surprised) Hold screen! Stop that commercial!

Riker:

What is it sir?

Picard:

Look Commander, and tell me what you see different.

Riker:

(Looking dumbfounded) It's just Saturn, sir.

Picard:

(In agitation) Look again Willie ...

Data:

I see Captain. Photons are striking the sixth planet of the Sol system on the hemisphere whose proximity is closest to the central star.

Worf:

What was that sir?

Riker:

The sun is shining on the correct side of Saturn.

Data:

(Undaunted) However, there seems to be a minor inconsistency.

Worf:

(In his patented growl) Someone has stolen the rings!

Riker:

(In a crisp command to Worf) Lieutenant, let's check out Uranus.

Worf:

(In a growl that would make any Klingon proud) Over my dead body, SIR!

Scene 1. Leisure Bridge.

Picard:

Captain's log, stardate 555.1212 ...

Voice:

(In a lovely female contralto) Operator, what city please?

Picard:

We are on this ... (startled by voice) Pardon me?

Voice:

What city please?

Picard:

(Slightly confused) Uhhhm, Paris?

Voice:

Please deposit 642 dollars and 15 cents for the first five minutes.

Picard:

You mean the ordinary American currency? I don't have any common American cents!

Voice:

I realize that you have no common sense Sir, but if you would like to place your direct assistance call to Paris, France, Terra, please deposit the money.

Picard:

We don't use money in the 24th ...

Voice:

... Thank you for using GT&T. (click)

Picard:

(Stunned) ... Century.

Pan to Riker's Room. He is asleep and having an obvious nightmare. The image changes to that of a Klingon vessel. He is being, err. attacked by a female Klingon warrior. Riker is smiling, and then panic sets in. He wakes up and shakes his head. He then proceeds to Sick Bay.

Pulaski:

(Brushing her pet Doberman Pinscher) Why, Commander Riker, what a surprise.

Riker:

Cut the fluff, Kate. I have a problem.

Pulaski:

(Cutting the dog's hair) A problem? What is it?

Riker:

It is an unfavorable situation normally encountered at an inopportune time, but that isn't important right now. I believe I have an illness.

Pulaski:

Go on.

Riker:

Well when I was the first officer on that Klingon vessel, well I, ah you see, I umm, we .... well, you know he-in and she-in with a female crew member and I uhhh, you know got, uhhhh ...

Pulaski:

That is quite ok, Will. These things happen. Does Worf know?

Riker:

(Angrily) Why should he?

Pulaski:

After that intro ...

Riker:

Kate, be serious.

Pulaski:

Take two of these. They will make you drowsy, and don't visit with any crew member, female or otherwise.

Riker:

Thanks.

He departs for his cabin.

Scene 2, the bridge.

Worf:

(To Picard) Sir, Ensign Oyl and Ensign Crusher are finished exorcising the shuttle craft Equis. They have cleared all remains from her and she is ready to be placed back in service.

LaForge:

Wes and Oyl?

Data:

Accessing (His eyes dart back and forth) Ah, a variety of a late 20th century Terran substances used to provide lubrication for baking apparati, otherwise known as Cooking Oil.

Worf:

Sir, an energy source has followed them on board, shall I send a security team to vaporize them?

Picard:

We will have no violence.

Worf:

But sir, I am a Klingon! I will go nuts if I can't win at least ONE battle.

Picard:

As you were, Mr. Worf. You are a Starfleet officer. That takes priority. Where is Dr. Pulaski? Her contract states that she has to be on the bridge at least once during the first half-hour. Worf, go get her.

Worf:

Yes, sir.

Scene 3, Riker's Cabin He sees a vision in front of him. It is a ghost of a former villain.

Ghost:

To the last I will grapple with thee.

Riker:

What? It must be these drugs.

Ghost:

Ahh, drugs made me what I was and what I am. And now you bring the Enterprise back to me.

Riker:

Back to you?

Ghost:

With the Enterprise I will avenge the loss of my wife and son that your Admiral Keerk took the liberty of enjoying.

Riker:

Why are you doing this to me?

Ghost:

You wanted to be like Keerk, you should have the enemies that Keerk had.

Riker:

So?

Ghost:

Revenge is a dish best served cold ...

Riker:

Revenge? Nobody believes in that baloney in the 24th century.

Ghost:

... It is very cold in a refrigerator.

The ghost touches Riker and Will turns into a roll of sausage, though he would have rather been a salami - It would have been easier to make up with Troi that way. The ghost places Riker in the handy refrigerator.

Ghost:

Ahh, for a dozen eggs, what an Omelet I could make.

The Wraith of Kahn heads for the bridge.

Scene 4, Sick Bay, Worf enters.

Worf:

Dr. Pulaski.

Pulaski:

I knew it would be a matter of time before you showed up. Here (she hands him the same drugs that she gave Riker) take these they will make you hyper, so no trips to the phaser range. Also don't visit any crew members, female or otherwise.

She ushers him out.

Worf:

But Dr. I am not ill, the Captain ...

Pulaski:

You don't have to hide things from me, I'm your doctor. Tell the Captain he is next.

Worf:

... wants you on the bridge.

Pulaski:

You mean you don't ... (Worf shakes his head) and the CAPTAIN? (Worf nods his head) I didn't realize that Jean and Will were that close.

The Wraith is passing by sick bay and overhears the conversation between Worf and Pulaski. He attacks and turns Worf into bologna and Dr. Pulaski into liver cheese. Each is wrapped in cute little yellow packages that only show the first slice clearly.

Bologna:

(Exasperated) Not another lost battle to a guest star.

L-Cheese:

Give up, Worf. You will have to put it into your contract just like the boy did before anything will change.

Scene 5, The Leisure Bridge. Wesley enters from The TurboLift The rest of the bridge crew, except Troi, is visible.

Wesley:

Bridge to Engineering.

Female Voice:

All lines are busy now, your call will be answered in the order that it was received. Thank you for using GT&T.

Oyl:

Do you still have that offer going that Gail McGovern offered?

Wesley:

Bridge to Lt. LaForge.

Voice:

LaForge here.

Wesley:

Geordi, something is wrong with The TurboLift. There were beenie-weenies all over it.

Voice:

I'll look into it. LaForge out.

Kahn enters the bridge.

Ghost:

Now to take over!

Everyone on the bridge is turned into corned beef. The Wraith is gloating over his victory.

Ghost:

And I even used all natural ingredients.

A female shape transports into the bridge.

JAG:

That's it! (Indicates the remains of Data) You are under arrest for relishing the crew and making them look like hams. By the way, Data, since you are an individual, and the proper singular form of the word used for your name is Datum, you have been so renamed.

She slaps handcuffs on the Wraith, and beams out with him. Troi enters bridge, eating a ham and swiss sandwich.

Troi:

(Look of exasperation) Not again. Bridge to Transporter Room.

Voice:

O'Brian here.

Troi:

Time to restore the bridge crew again. Someone turned them into lunch meat.

Voice:

Again? I guess I should automate this process.

View of the transporter regenerating everyone on the ship one more time. It still fails to repair all of the missing medics and engineers from last week's episode, though.

Exeunt.