Where No Man Has Leaped Before

by Elliott Buchholz 1 March 1990

Bright flash on the bridge of the Enterprise.

Geordi:

What was that? Is it Q again?

Riker:

Shush, you! The Captain is giving a monologue, er, I mean Captain's Log.

Sam:

Huh?

Riker:

Quiet, Worf!

Picard:

Ahem. Captain's Log. We are en route to Achbarachtech to to escort the high Ichbarztoachi Fred to the Intergalactic Hard-To-Say Names Conference. We anticipate an uneventful trip.

Sam is busy studying the strange outfit he is wearing. He looks into one of the reflective thingies on his console and sees his reflection.

Sam:

Oh boy. I'm a 6 foot lizard.

Al:

You're a Klingon, Sam.

Sam:

A what?

Data:

What?

Al:

A Klingon. An alien race from Star Trek.

Sam:

What's that?

Data:

What?

Al:

A tv show from the late 20th century. It lasted 12 seasons before being replaced by 'Trekkie Babies'.

Sam:

But how can I LEAP into a tv show? Or even into the future? I thought I could only LEAP into a time period between when I was born and when I LEAPed.

Data:

What?

Al:

Where did you hear that?

Sam:

In our series intro.

Al:

Oh. (Pulls out pocket Texas Instruments Calculator) Ziggy says your here because of ... (hits calculator a few times as it squeals) Poetic Licence.

Sam:

What?

Data:

What?

Al hits the calculator for a few more squeals.

Al:

Oh. You're here to ... boost our sagging ratings. What you have to do is ...

Picard:

Data, why do you keep saying 'What'?

Data:

Mr. Worf keeps on speaking to himself.

Geordi:

He what? Hey, Mister. No smoking cigars on the bridge. Didn't you see the sign?

Al:

Uh oh. The punk rocker can see me. I'm outa here.

Geordi:

Hey where'd that door come from? What? Hey, Worf ... HEY YOU! GET AWAY FROM THERE! WHERE'S WORF?

Troi:

I sense pain. I sense ... oh ...

Al:

I sense a bodacious set of ta-tas. Later Sam.

Sam:

Wait!

Geordi:

STOP!

He dives at Al, passes through him, and slams into the bulkhead, unconscious.

Picard:

Emergency medical team, to the bridge! What the hell is going on here?

Riker:

Careful, sir. No swearing.

Wesley:

I know what happened!

Riker:

Quiet, boy!

Beverly Crusher rushes in and tends to Geordi.

Picard:

What's wrong with him?

Beverly:

He has a severe concussion, and he's wearing funny glasses. Other than that, he's fine.

Picard:

I need to know what happened? How long will he be unconscious?

Beverly:

Oh, about another 45 minutes, give or take a commercial.

Picard:

Worf, do you know what happened?

Wesley:

I know.

Riker:

Shut up, boy.

Beverly:

Hey!

Wesley:

Thanks, Mom.

Beverly:

Shut up, boy.

Sam:

Uh, I don't know, sir. I was just looking at this thingie here.

Picard:

You were ... WHAT?

Sam:

Looking at this ... thing? The one that says CLOAKED ROMULAN APPROACHING?

Picard:

WHAT? RED ALERT! Shields up! Arm phasers and photons!

Riker:

Captain? Remember, we're peaceful. Shouldn't you give them a severe talking to, before we blast them to bits?

Picard:

Ah, yes. Sorry. I'm still thinking about that other episode. You're right. Perhaps we should surrender?

Riker:

Ah. That's more like it.

Picard:

Yes. Surrender. Worf, make it so.

Sam:

What? Uh, right. Maybe if I press this button.

Sam presses big button. Loud noise is heard.

Data:

Saucer section is detaching, sir.

Exterior Shot: Just as the ship separates, the Romulans fire, and the blast passes through the gap between the 2 parts of the Enterprise.

Picard:

Excellent maneuver, Worf. You saved the ship.

Sam:

Gee, thanks.

Picard:

Now, let's try surrendering, one more time.

Sam:

Okay. (Hits another button)

Data:

Photon Torpedoes firing, Sierra pattern, into empty space.

The torpedoes explode and a second, hidden Romulan ship is destroyed. The first Romulan ship, properly chastised, runs away.

Picard:

My. That was a surprise. I'm glad you saved us again, Worf, but next time, try not to use the weapons. This is the 24th Century, you know.

Sam:

Oh, boy.

Picard:

Are you feeling okay?

Troi:

I sense ... OH!

Sam:

Al, STOP THAT!

Picard:

Excuse me?

Al:

C'mon Sam. Will you look at her body? Geez, what I wouldn't give to pop those seams.

Picard:

Worf, do you need some rest?

Sam:

Uh, no sir. I need ... Uh, I need to go to the bathroom.

Picard:

Sorry, Worf. You know we don't have any. Seems to be a defect in all starships.

Sam:

Oh, boy.

Picard:

Number One, what do you ... Number One? Has anybody seen my Number One?

Data:

A strange being in a black cloak and a funny mask transported in, grabbed him, and transported out.

Sam:

Batman?

Wesley:

I know!

Troi:

Shut up, Wesley. OH! The Pain! I mean, the Ecstasy.

Picard:

Deanna, perhaps you should take a break.

Deanna:

Yes, sir. Perhaps a good skinny dip on the Holodeck would ease my nerves. I'm due for a nude scene, you know.

Al:

Oh Boy!

Sam:

Oh Boy.

Wesley:

OH BOY!!!

Picard:

At ease, boy.

Scene shifts to Worf's Quarters.

Sam:

Al, what am I supposed to do to LEAP out of here?

Al:

Ziggy says (whacks TI calculator) ... there's a 99% possibility you're here to give that hot babe in the green dress the most passionate sexual experience of her life.

Sam:

Oh boy! Hey, it does not!

Al:

I know. But you have to fall in love with SOMEONE. You do every LEAP. And you have to admit, that lady has the nicest set of ...

Sam:

AL!

Al:

Okay. Let me check again.

Al whacks calculator some more while Sam looks around the room. He pauses to examine whips, chains, oil, spikes, tongues, case of Prune Juice, hot coals, dental instruments, and a comfy chair.

Sam:

Hey, Al, how come all these shackles are so small? Why, a full grown adult couldn't fit in ...

Al:

Ah, here it is. You're here to ...

Ship:

INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT Lt. Worf to the Bridge.

Sam:

Oh Boy.

Scene shifts to Bridge. Other than for Picard and Wesley, all stations are empty. Sam enters.

Sam:

Sir?

Picard:

We have a problem, Lt. Our friend in black has struck again. He was spotted several times. He was seen grabbing Data, Geordi, Troi, O'Brien, Beverly, Gomez, Troi, and Yar.

Sam:

How come you said Troi twice?

Picard:

Actually, he grabbed Deanna SEVERAL times.

Sam:

Oh Boy.

Wesley:

I know what ...

Picard:

Quiet, boy.

Sudden Flash on Bridge.

Al:

Sam, someone's LEAPing!

Q:

Jean Luc. Miss me?

Picard:

Q! What are you doing here? Are you behind this?

Q:

Don't be absurd. I just stopped by because I always appear in one of these parodies. Just like sexual Troi humor, sexual Worf humor, and put-down Wesley jokes.

Wesley:

Hey!

Q:

Shut up, boy. The only thing missing is a stupid appearance by the TOS crew.

Kirk:

Hey!

Q:

Anyway, now that I've fulfilled my contractual obligations, I'll be going. Try not to drool, Micro Brain!

Sam:

Hey! I don't need to be talked to that way by a mass of Quantum- charged particles fused with xzy4q energy.

Q:

What? I don't need this! I hear my Q calling!

Q departs.

Picard:

Well, here we are, after the final commercial break, and no end in sight. Time for a quick surprise conclusion that is totally unsatisfying!

Wesley:

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

Wesley leaps behind the console and jumps out wearing a black teddy and panties.

Wesley:

Oops.

Jumps again. This time appears in a black cloak and black mask.

Picard:

This is the surprise ending, boy? Your father was Darth Vader?

Wesley:

NO NO NO! I'M SICK OF IT! ALWAYS BOY BOY BOY. I HAVE A NAME. EVERYONE KNOWS IT! BUT NOOOOOO, YOU ALL CALL ME BOY BOY BOY. BUT I SHOWED THEM ALL. BONK BONK! BWAHAHAHA. Ahem. And now, you're last. Using my incredible intellect, I programmed the computer to think I was you, and ordered it to self destruct. Unless you speak my name, the ship will destruct in 20 seconds!

Picard:

Now, uh, boy. There's no need for this.

Wesley:

BOY? BOY?!? BWAHAHAHAHA.

Al:

Sam! Do something?

Sam:

What can I do? I don't know the brat's name. I thought it was boy. If only he had a nice name like my uncle. Good ol' Uncle Wesley. I remember all the times ...

Computer:

DESTRUCT ABORTED.

Wesley:

AAARRRGGHHH!!! No FAIR!

Al:

Good job Sam.

Picard:

Now, boy..

Wesley:

GRRRR...

Picard:

Wesley, things will look up once you complete puberty. You know, you're lucky I'm such a peaceful man. Here take this turbo lift to 10 forward. Have a drink.

Pushes Wesley into turbo.

Wesley:

But there's no lift here! AAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhh ...

Picard:

Bwahahahaha. Now Beverly's mine. He thought he was good. But he wasn't. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAMMIT. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Ahem

Al:

Good job Sam. See ya.

Sam:

Wait, I forgot to reset the ...

>LEAP<

Computer:

COUNT DOWN RESUMING. 5 ... 4 ...