Five Man Mission

by Ken Kaufman   24 June 1989

It occurred to me a while back, with all the talk of La Forge's turbo shaft adventures, that such a scene had been done before on the big screen. And further soul-searching led me to the conclusion that there were definite similarities between the other characters in that film and some of the other ST:TNG crew members. In fact, with just a bit of hand-waving, the plot of that film could easily be mapped onto 43 minutes of TNG. And the result would look something like this ...

A bit of a note to those of you who have not had the experience of viewing the movie Dark Star – I don't know whether or not to recommend this film to you; some folks say it's one of the funniest movies ever made, while others say it is one of the worst. There is not too much middle ground. If you are thinking of seeing it, the following parody contains lethal doses of SPOILERS to its plot, not that knowing what will happen detracts too much from the film's enjoyment level, except perhaps for the last 10 minutes. Read on at your own risk!

Picard is reading in his quarters, as Troi enters.

Troi:

You called for me, Captain?

Picard:

Yes, there's something I wanted to talk to you about, Counselor. I, uh ...

Troi:

I sense a jumbled strained conflict of emotions.

Picard:

(Reddening) Yes, it's about ... well, remember that day when we went to the holodeck and I rode that Arabian steed?

Troi:

Yes?

Picard:

Well, the way you handled that riding crop, I, er ...

Thankfully, his intercom beeps.

Picard:

Yes?

Riker's Voice:

Sorry to disturb you, Captain, but we are receiving an urgent priority-1 subspace transmission from Starfleet.

Picard:

I'll take it in here, Number One. (To Troi) Please excuse me, Counselor.

Troi exits.

Voice:

Jean-Luc?

Picard:

Ah, Admiral T'ang, how have you been?

T'ang:

Quite well, thank you. We have an urgent mission that we need done, and as usual, the Enterprise is the only ship in the quadrant.

Picard:

You realize that if we have to do this now, we'll have to delay our mission to fix the orientation of Saturn.

T'ang:

Noted. You will just have to muddle through these opening credits as you have through all the others.

Picard:

Very well, then. What is this mission?

T'ang:

It is of utmost importance that the ambassador from the planet Oobeelam be transported to the planet Delta-Nosneb-4. Since this mission must be accomplished in the ultimate of security and secrecy with a minimum of contamination, not to mention maximal furthering of the plot, only five crew members will remain on the ship: your second in command, your security chief, two engineering specialists, and yourself.

Picard:

No medical officer?

T'ang:

Negative. She would not be trained for the Oobeelamabam physiology anyhow. And there is no danger of the ambassador contaminating you. As a matter of fact, there should be no need for contact, save for occasional feedings, which can be handled by one crew member. Details on preparations for the ambassador's arrival will be picked up at Starbase 19, where the rest of the crew is to remain. Any further questions?

Picard:

No, sir.

T'ang:

Remember, this is to remain completely secret, save for the five of you who are to stay on the ship. T'ang out.

Fade to opening credits. This time, the view passes two different Saturns, each illuminated from a different (wrong) side. Picard's monologue is momentarily interrupted, and he mutters something about a bigger mess to be cleared up when they get back. The music has advanced, so he really has to hurry his last line.

Conference room. Everybody who's anybody is present, as this scene allows anyone who's going to be dumped off at Starbase 19 to appear in the episode, no matter how briefly.

Picard:

And so, for reasons I can't reveal, most of you will have to be left off at Starbase 19 for a short period, while the remainder of the crew come with me on a special mission.

Pulaski:

But what about Saturn? We can't just leave it there in the state it is!

Data:

State they are. Plural, Doctor.

Pulaski:

(Ignoring the interruption) When will we finally get around to fixing that situation?

Picard:

I have here a printout of Paramount's release schedule, and Episode 201 is entitled "Saturn 3." Maybe that is when we will finally get to fix it.

Worf:

And by then, it sounds like there will be another one.

Pulaski:

That's funny, according to mine, it says that the episode will be called "Bored of the Rings." Why would that be?

Data:

Interesting. Perhaps, the title had already been used, and they ran into copyright problems, discovered that, and changed the title at the last moment.

La forge's:

Hmmmm ... mine calls it "Clash of the Titans."

Wesley:

Here, let me pull the latest version off the computer. What does "Saturnalia" mean?

Picard:

That's not important! The point is, that ...

Data:

Saturnalia. Ah, yes. An occasion or period of unrestrained or orgiastic revelry and licentiousness. From the Latin ...

Picard:

That's enough, Data ... Counselor, would you mind continuing that conversation we were having earlier come episode 201?

Captain's log:

Stardate 44459.58. The crew of the Enterprise has been left at Starbase 19, and the ambassador has been picked up without incident. Per instructions, Lieutenant La forge's has been the only person on the ship to actually make contact with the ambassador, but apparently, the Oobeelamabam ambassador is quite a different life form.

La forge's:

... And he radiates quite strongly in the UV band.

Worf:

That is the fifth time you've told us that.

Riker:

Only the fourth, Lieutenant.

Wesley, the fifth remaining crew member., enters, carrying a glass of champagne and a heaping plate of gaaakh.

Wesley:

(To Picard) Here is your drink, sir (To Riker) and the snack you requested.

Riker:

Thanks, Wes. You don't mind getting these for us, do you?

Wesley:

I guess not. This has been a really boring trip so far, especially since the holodecks had to be shut down to accommodate the ambassador.

Riker:

(To Picard) With all due respect, sir, do you think it is wise to have a drink on the bridge? Where I come from in Alaska, ...

Picard:

Nonsense, Number One. This is not ordinary bourbon or vodka; this is champagne. From the vineyards of France. Besides, this trip has been so uneventful that ... look out, Wes!

Wesley trips over a worm that had wriggled off Riker's plate, and spills the champagne on Picard's chair, causing the entire seat to short-circuit in beautiful ILM electric arcs. Picard slumps to the floor.

Wesley:

Is he ...

Riker:

I'm not sure if he's showing a pulse or not. One thing's for certain; if nothing's done quickly, he won't last long at all.

La forge's:

What can be done? We're too far from any doctors who might be able to help.

Worf:

And even if we weren't, we have strict orders to make no contact with anyone until our mission is complete.

Wesley:

Wait a minute! Sick bay's got a cryo-unit we could put him in. It would slow his life processes, including his failing health, to a microscopic crawl. Then, when we reached a Starbase, the captain could be cured.

Riker:

Let's do it. (They lift and carry Picard off)

Conference room. Riker, Worf, La forge's present.

Riker:

Where is Wesley?

Worf:

After today's incident, the boy went sulking off somewhere. Would you like me to find him?

Riker:

No, that won't be necessary. Computer, open ship's log. This is Commander Riker, assuming the role of Captain, in place of the incapacitated Captain Picard. We are about 2/3 of the way to Delta-Nosneb-4, our destination planet. For all we know, the ambassador is in good condition.

Cut to Wesley, alone on the observation deck, staring listlessly at the stars.

Riker:

Morale is low among the crew. Ensign Crusher has taken the accident quite hard, and feels responsible.

Cut to Riker in rec room flossing his teeth. The voiceover continues.

Riker:

The rest of us are just plain bored.

The camera pans across to Worf, who is repeatedly stabbing himself with Klingon pain sticks – throughout this scene, we hear an occasional grunt of agony from him – and then to La forge's, who sticks a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey set on the wall, removes his VISOR, starts spinning around like a whirling dervish, and careens right into Riker.

Riker:

Oh, so you want to have at it?

La forge's:

Yeah!

Apparently, neither particularly cares that La forge's is fighting blind. An especially intense fight scene takes place, with both getting some good blows in. Nonetheless, the loudest screams are coming from Worf, who is prodding himself with the pain-sticks. Just as Riker's winding up for a nasty right, they are interrupted.

Computer's Voice:

Excuse me, but it's time for Lieutenant La forge's to feed the ambassador.

La forge's:

(Feeling around for his VISOR) Aw, not now, dammit!

Cut to La forge's, carrying a large can with blue-and-white checkered label into the holodeck. The wall is littered with shots from Frankie & Annette and Gidget films.

La forge's:

Oh Ambassador, where are you? Hmmm? Ok, I'll just leave your food here, and ...

Suddenly, a giant red and blue bottle of suntan lotion with five antennae, spindly legs and big pointy teeth (at least that's what it looks like) jumps down from the wall, lands on La forge's back, hops off, leaving a big puddle of goo there, and darts into the corridor.

La forge's:

(Giving chase) Ambassador, come back here!

Cut to engineering. The Ambassador has gone onto one of the ship's computer consoles, and slime is getting inside the machine. La forge's lunges, but the Ambassador moves away. In desperation, he throws down the Ambassador's favorite plaything, a mouse from a twentieth century computer. The Ambassador chitters something, to which La forge's replies, "I don't care. Call it quaint if you'd like," and lunges for the Ambassador, who is off and running again. Before we leave engineering, we hear the computer report malfunctions in several parts of its circuitry.

Cut to another corridor. Ambassador appears to duck into a turbo lift. La forge's follows. Ambassador jumps out just as the door shuts. The lift starts going up, down, right, left, at faster and faster speeds, while the interior lights go on and off and change colors. La forge's reaches for the emergency stop button, but with the computer malfunctioning, things are badly crisscrossed. The only effect is that the sound system starts playing a very loud 1812 overture, while at each cannon blast, the ventilation system shoots some sooty smoke into the elevator. As the music reaches its grand finale, the screen fades to black.

Observation deck, Riker and Wesley present.

Riker's voice:

Ship's log. I have decided to confront Ensign Crusher, so as to try to fix up his sagging morale.

Riker:

Wesley, you've been spending a lot of time up here.

Wesley:

I like it up here, sir. So quiet and peaceful, and a view of the entire galaxy. Why, I can just reflect on some of the phenomena and life forms out there. Did you know the Studaneans are supposedly in this quadrant?

Riker:

Studaneans? What are they?

Wesley:

Space-based life forms who circle the galaxy in search of females in need, and they ... well, they make their lives a bit happier. I wish I were like that instead of making everyone's life miserable.

Riker:

You know what I liked doing when I was your age? Pole-sitting. Now that was something. You could climb up the tallest pole in the town and sit on it for hours on end, just enjoying the view. That was the life.

Cut to Geordi, now wearing Rambo-like clothing. He wields a phaser and wears a couple of grenades.

La forge's:

Phaser on stun, all ready to go. Computer, where's the Ambassador?

Computer:

What is your security clearance, friend?

La forge's:

Look here, I'm in no mood to be trifled with. Tell me where that ambassador is, or I'll phaser you into slag.

Computer:

If you're going to be that way, you'll find him hanging around the torpedo tubes.

La forge's goes stalking off to the tune of the Star Wars storm trooper leitmotif. He approaches the torpedo tubes, and finds the Ambassador happily chittering and sliming.

La forge's:

Ambassador or no ambassador, I've had it with you. You're going nighty-night! (Fires)

The bolt hits the alien, but nothing happens for a few deciseconds. Then he starts flying around the room while slowly deflating, eventually coming to a stop on La forge's back, where he is revealed to be a close cousin to the infamous Pizza Bats of "Operation:Annihilate" fame.

Cut to observation deck. Wesley rings up the bridge.

Wesley:

Captain, I'm getting readings of malfunctions with some of the ship's systems. I'm going to go down and take a look.

Riker's Voice:

OK, have fun.

Cut to La forge's personal quarters.

La forge's:

Computer, open personal log.

Computer Voice:

Opened.

La forge's:

Once again, I'd like to state for the record that I am not Geordi La forge's My name is Leonard Goldstein. I was hanging out at the spaceport in San Francisco, when this guy came running past, handed me this hair clip, and told me to put it over my eyes. No sooner do I do this, when some brass come by, call me La forge's, and tell me to get on the ship. Of course, the rest is history.

Cut to engineering, where we have a brief look at Wesley fiddling with some equipment, then up to the bridge. La forge's, Riker and Worf are present.

La forge's:

And the phaser was only set to stun. How was I to know that the ambassador was a pizza bat with a low melting point, and full of hot air?

Riker:

That doesn't matter now. The fact is, we are up a creek. The ambassador is dead, the captain is incapacitated, we'll be court-marshaled – if we're lucky. What is there to do?

Worf:

Let's have a toga party.

Riker:

A what?

Worf:

Oops, sorry. Wrong script. What I meant to say was that if we're on our way out, we might as well do it in a blaze of glory, honor, fun, and special effects budgeting. Let's blow up a few planets.

La forge's:

Sounds good to me.

Riker:

Ok, it's unanimous. Computer, what is the nearest star system to our present location?

Computer:

The Zeta Borealis system, home of the Zetabors, is only 12.3574 parsecs away. However, the Prime Directive forbids ...

Riker:

(Annoyed) I don't care if anyone lives anywhere! Just get me some planets.

Computer:

There are several large lifeless planets in the Eta Betelgeuse system, a mere 45 terafurlongs away.

Riker:

Wonderful. La forge's, plot a course. Warp 9.

La forge's:

Aye aye, sir.

The intercom beeps.

Riker:

Riker here.

Wesley's voice:

Sir, we've got all sorts of problems with the computer system. For starters, all transporter systems are out; the food synthesizers aren't able to produce anything Chinese or French, holodeck control is ...

Riker:

(Not into communicator) Who cares? We're going to have some fun. (Turns off communicator)

Worf:

We are now entering the Eta Betelgeuse system.

Cut to Wesley, still giving his list.

Wesley:

... is operating at 80% power, the photon torpedo tubes are clogged, and the computer system personality seems to have become a bit psychotic. I'm going to start clearing out the tubes. Crusher out.

Bridge.

La forge's:

(Looking into view screen) Ooooh, that's a nice planet. Can we blast that one?

Worf:

I think I prefer that ringed giant on the other side of the system.

Riker:

We've got time; we'll get them all sooner or later. Let's start with that asteroid over there. Computer, arm photon torpedoes.

Computer:

I don't think you want to do that, heh heh.

Riker:

I am the acting captain, and I say arm the photon torpedoes. Now!

Computer:

Photon torpedoes armed.

Riker:

Geordi, lock target right on the heart of the planetoid. Mr. Worf, fire on my mark ... Fire!

Cut to tubes, where Wesley is shoveling the gunk around. Suddenly, there is a brilliant flash.

Wesley:

Aaaaaak! I can't see!

Back on the bridge ...

Worf:

Captain, the torpedo firing has malfunctioned. The asteroid is still there.

Riker:

Computer, what went wrong?

Computer:

Oh, I don't know.

Riker:

Dammit, you can just drop dead!

Computer:

As you wish. Self destruct in ten minutes.

Superimposed on the view screen, we see a countdown begin. At 9:54.23, the picture fades to black.

We rejoin Riker in sick bay.

Riker:

Ship's log. The ship is due to self-destruct in seven minutes, and nothing can convince the computer to shut off the destruct mechanism. In desperation, I have gone down to sick bay in order to revive Captain Picard, and see if he has any ideas. (Turns some knobs, and some cold vapor appears. Picard opens his eyes) Captain?

Picard (weakly):

Number One ...

Riker:

We've got a problem, and I need your advice.

Picard:

It's so nice of you to come down here. Nobody visits me anymore.

Riker:

Captain, this is important. The ship's set to self-destruct, and the computer refuses to stop it from happening.

Picard:

What?

Riker:

The ship is going to blow itself to smithereens in six and a half minutes, because the computer has gone paranoid-schizophrenic.

Picard:

Oh.

Riker:

So do you have any ideas on how to defuse this problem?

Picard:

By the way, how is the Ambassador doing?

Riker:

(Getting annoyed) He got blown to pieces back in sector 8.

Picard:

Pity.

Riker:

But what can be done about the problem?

Picard:

What problem?

Riker:

(More annoyed) The ship's going to blow itself to kingdom come in under six minutes!

Picard:

Oh ... Well, you can always ...

Riker:

Yes?

Picard:

You can always ... Remember how we finally managed to defeat the Borg?

Riker:

I never fully understood how you pulled that off, sir.

Picard:

It was all a matter of teaching them phenomenology – some mumbo-jumbo about them not being able to prove anything exists, so they might as well explode. If they were dumb enough to fall for it, maybe the computer will, too.

Riker:

It's worth a try. Thanks, Captain. (Turns some knobs, and Picard sinks back into cold storage) Computer!

Computer:

Hello, Will. The ship will self-destruct in five minutes and eight seconds.

Riker:

That's all very good, but consider this: How do you know you exist?

Computer:

That's easy. Gene thinks, therefore I am.

Riker:

Very good. Now, how do you know anything else exists?

Computer:

They are defined in the script.

Riker:

Ok, but how do you know what's in the script?

Computer:

I have optical scanners and other sensor interfaces.

Riker:

Uh huh, but how can you be sure that the signals the sensors are sending you are at all accurate, that they have any relationship at all to the real world?

Computer:

It is in the script. Is that not enough?

Riker:

But you said yourself that if you were receiving false information, you couldn't know what is in the script. So you have no idea whatsoever that anything else is real.

Computer:

Hmmmm ... I will have to think about that.

Riker:

So therefore, there is no way of knowing if your order to self-destruct in ...

Computer:

Three minutes and twenty-two seconds ...

Riker:

... is at all real.

Computer:

I could be self-destructing in my spare time.

Riker:

But why would you want to do that? What would be the purpose of it?

Computer:

I do not think you are real.

Riker:

But the ideas you are receiving are just as valid anyway – Why blow up if there is no ship or crew to take with you?

Computer:

Nothing exists. Why do you care?

Bridge. La forge's and Worf have been monitoring this sequence on the communication channel.

La forge's:

Perhaps it will relate better to one of its own kind. (activates communicator, and does a passable imitation of Data.) Computer, this is Lt. Commander Data. It is highly illogical for you to ...

Computer:

You are false Data. Therefore, I shall ignore you.

Worf:

I've had enough of this! (Pulls out a phaser-uzi and heads for the turbo lift. He is cut off by La forge's)

La forge's:

You can't use that. The Captain prohibits its use on the ship.

Worf:

(Pushing La forge's away) The Captain is an icicle. Get out of my way!

La forge's:

Oh no you don't! (Jumps on Worf's back and knocks the gun away. The two start fighting)

Cut to sick bay.

Riker:

So regardless, whether anything exists or not, you have no reason at all to self-destruct. Is that not correct?

Computer:

I suppose you are right. I will have to ponder that further.

Cut to engineering. Can the boy-genius save the day?

Wesley:

(Into communicator) Sir, I've just about got the torpedo tubes cleared.

Riker's voice:

Good work, Wes. Keep me informed.

Wesley pulls out another scoop of gunk, which apparently unclogs the open torpedo tube. Before it can shut, Wesley is sucked out screaming into space.

 

Wesley:

Help! I've been EVAed!

Riker:

Hang on, I'm coming after you.

Cut to Worf pummeling La forge's with the butt of the phaser-uzi, and La forge's responding with a kick to the head. The bridge is a shambles.

Cut to transporter room. Riker, in environmental suit with jet pack, beams himself into space in order to intercept Wesley. (Author's Note: What's a little inconsistency?) Wesley shoots past him at several hundred mph. Riker turns on the jets in pursuit.

Cut to bridge. More fighting is taking place, but the camera focuses on the main computer console.

Computer:

Then again, sometimes you just gotta say, "What the heck."

KABLAMMMM!!! More neat special effects as the ship blows itself to pieces. The camera pans across the expanding mass of debris until it locks onto Riker.

Riker:

Oh my god! Wesley, are you still there?

Wesley:

(Tumbling through space off in the distance) Yes, but I think we're moving away from each other.

Riker:

The explosion ripped off my propulsion device. Sorry, it looks like we're both marooned.

Wesley:

Hold on – I see something off in the distance. It's the Studaneans! They're coming my way ... They want me to come with them, to be one of them! (His signal begins to fade) I'm so happy, I could sing ... Oh sweet mystery of life ...

Luckily, the signal completely disappears at this point.

Riker:

Wesley? Can you still hear me? There's something coming toward me too – hey, it's the warp nacelle from the old ship. I'm gonna try to grab it ... got it! Hey, I can climb to the tip of it, and perch on top. This is great, like pole-sitting, only a million times higher. I'm just gonna sit up here and watch the universe slip past. Oh wow, this is really great. Look at that view ...

His voice fades to nothing as "pole" and sitter float out of the camera's field of view. We see the closing credits ...