Star Trek: The Netnews Generation

Central Pennsylvania, the boring frontier.  Our mission, to seek good times, to find a quiet restful atmosphere, and a real groovy arts festival. To go, (without getting a citation), where no student has gone before.

Scene 1: Reicher, Datum, and Lt. Yarn are standing at the top of huge depression scooped out the earth.

Reicher:

Datum, what is the purpose these seats, and the white lines on the floor of the depression?

Datum:

Unknown, Commander.  Note, however, that there are 101 such lines spaced exactly 0.9144 meters apart.  Clearly, Commander, this artifact is artificial.

Reicher:

Could it be the Borg?

Lt. Yarn:

There are charred remains of skateboards and milk crates all over. That's a classic Borg signature.

Suddenly Worf runs up.

Worf:

Commander, I am detecting emissions from the cooling system of a 3090!  It's them.

Reicher:

Let's get back to ship!  Energize. Put neat promo sounds here.  Cut to Toftree commercial.

Scene 2: The Bridge.

Weasely :

A large blue cube is rising from the planet to meet us.

Puckard:

On screen!

On the screen, we see the magnification of a large blue cube:

VM/XA SP ONLINEXA SP ONLINE----      
 
                         SSSSS
                        S     S
BBBB  OOOO RRR    GGGG   SS      TTTTT   A   TTTTT EEEE
B   B O  O R  R  G         SS      T    A A    T   E
BBBB  O  O RRR   G  GG       SS    T   A   A   T   EEE         BORGVM
B   B O  O R R   G   G  S     S    T   AAAAA   T   E
BBBB  OOOO R  R   GGGG   SSSSS     T   A   A   T   EEEE
         =======================================================
                        ***********************
System Configuration:   *                     *  Computer & Information Systems
                        * Borg          State *
IBM ES/3090-600S        *      University     *           Center for
  6 Vector Facilities   *                     *          BORG Computing
512 Million Minds       *                     *
512 Collective Minds    *  2   0   4   8   9  *               CBC
 96 Mind Links          *                     *
0.5 Picasecond Clock     **                 **    This system is only for
                           ***           ***      use authorized by
VM/XA SP 2 + PR/SM            ****   ****         Intergalactic Borg Machines
                                  ***
LOGON TLM108                                                RUNNING   BORGVM

The sound of organ music, combined with the wheezing noises of an oversized coolant system emanates from the speakers.

Worf:

Captain, we have encountered the Borg.

Puckard:

Open a channel.

Worf:

They are opening a telnet session with us.

Puckard:

Datum, are we running the patched version of sendmail?

Datum:

Yes Captain, version 5.64 from Berkeley.

Borg:

YOU HAVE NO PARKING PERMIT!  PUT YOUR TRANSMISSION IN NEUTRAL AND PREPARE TO BE TOWED!

Puckard:

But the sign said parking 7am to 7pm.

Borg:

SIGNS ARE IRRELAVENT!  PARKING IS FUTILE!  YOU WILL BE TOWED!

Datum:

They are attempting to intimidate your department head sir.

Jorda:

Sendmail daemon is being probed.  Modulating Character set.  I think ASCII has them confused!

Lt. Yarn:

Datum, be prepared to used mixed case with all caps, they have problems reading that.

Puckard:

Be warned, some of our people have tenure.

Datum:

Captain, Borg are going through personnel files.  Borg are firing our key personnel.

Puckard:

They can't do that.  Load usenet feed.  Fire a batch of news.

Worf:

No effect.  They have disk space to spare.

Datum :

Captain, apparently they have sufficent computing power even though their equipment is obsolete.

Puckard:

Break SMTP connection.  Prepare to make a run for the Toftree nebula in sector Boalsburg.

Datum:

Borg pursuing.  We seem to have temporarily lost them.

Scene 3: Captain Puckard is touring the ship.

Geynon:

You look depressed.

Puckard:

It looks rather bleak, yes.

Geynon:

When my university became a branch campus for the Borg, we thought all Academic freedom and daytime parking had died.  But we survived. As long as a single good teacher exists, you'll survive.

Puckard:

(Smiles grimly)  I hope so.

Sound of thudding hitting the hull.  Puckard's communicator beeps.

Puckard :

Puckard here.

Worf:

Captain, the Borg are mailing us pre-registration bills.  Can our VISA shields afford this?

Puckard:

No.  Prepare to exit Boalsburg Nebula.  Puckard out.

Scene 4: The bridge.

Worf:

Captain, the Borg have sent a message.  They say that, before they  destroy us, if we like, we can send them a check for their Alumni Association.  They claim to be a non-profit destructive hoard.

Puckard:

That'll be the Day!  Fire up gnews!

Datum:

The Borg are now terminating accounts at random.  They will eventually nullify ours.

Worf:

Home directory dissolving.  Our quota is zero.  All system daemons dumping core.

A Borg materializes and ftp's Captain Puckard to their ship.

Scene 5: Borg ship.  With several leather jacketed Borg Cops escorting Puckard to head Borg.

Borg:

WE WISH TO COMBINE YOUR STUDENT BODY WITH OUR OWN!  YOU WILL PAY TUITION. YOU WILL HAVE NO PARKING SPACE!  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

Puckard:

I will transfer first.

Borg:

TRANSFER IS IRRELEVANT.  DEATH IS IRRELEVANT.  TUITION INCREASES HOWEVER, ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

Scene 6: Enterprise bridge.

Reicher:

I am going to lead the away team to rescue the Captain.

Lt. Yarn:

Excuse me commander, but shouldn't I lead the away team?  I have more experience with VM/CMS than you do.

Troy:

Well, Reicher, Lt. Yarn does know how to read all caps, besides with the captain gone, who's going to plug security holes?

Borg computer center: Four figures materialize.

Datum:

The Borg are based on a fascist, non-creative society devoted to suppresion.  They do, however, have powerful machines with several Giga-bytes of Datum storage.

Worf:

Can we knock out their power source?  Or maybe a flicker?

Lt. Yarn:

No good.  They have an immortal power supply.

Jorda:

Can we jam their virtual card readers?

Datum:

That would only work for a while, but they'd only start up another virtual machine.

Lt. Yarn:

Use your Dataswitch connections sparingly.  They will cut them off as soon you make a posting.

Worf :

There's one!  Phasors on kill!  Shoot!            

Datum:

(Puzzled) That one didn't even see us.

Worf:

That was BIFF!  I want him dead anyway!

Datum:

This doesn't seem to do any good.  The sysops are ignoring us because we only have I-accounts.

Weasely:

Look!  There's the Captain!  He has a parking sticker on his forehead! He's waiting in line to register for classes!

Puckard:

KAWABUNGA DUDES!  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET FOOTBALL TICKETS?

Lt. Yarn:

Forge news!  Prepare to beam out when all dataswitch connections are dropped!

Final scene: On the Enterprise bridge.

Reicher:

(To Lt. Yarn) Did you find him?

Lt. Yarn:

No sir, he appears to have to gone over to the Borg.

Worf:

He is a Borg!

Beverly Crusher:

Wait!  Maybe I can get him back to fullscreen.  I might be able to disable caps lock.

Worf:

Reicher, the Borg are opening a smtp connection.

Reicher:

On screen!

Puckard appears wearing a JoePa Tee-Shirt, carrying a copy of Buy-The-Book.

Puckard:

YOU WILL BUY BOOKS AT FULL RETAIL!  WE WILL DOUBLE YOUR TUITION! ACADEMIC STANDARDS ARE IRRELAVENT!  YOU WILL NOT USE SKATEBOARDS! YOU WILL NOT STEAL MILK CRATES!  OBEY OR WE WILL TERMINATE YOUR ACCOUNTS!

Reicher:

(Turning to Worf) Fire alt.flame postings.

Worf:

Firing ... No effect, Commander. They can store the postings as fast as we can send them.

Reicher:

Damn.

Weasely:

Commander, the normal netnews bandwidth isn't heavy enough to affect them. But what if we were to hit them with a newsgroup full of HUGE postings?

Jordo:

He's right, Commander. They're only equipped for a normal newsfeed. I don't think Borgnet has the bandwidth for something like, say, alt.sex.pictures.

Reicher:

That might do it. Datum, see if any nearby starbase has a newsfeed for alt.sex.pictures.

Datum:

Trying burdvax ... icuvax ... Ah! Decwrl has it. Opening a uucp connection.

Reicher:

Wort - feed the news DIRECTLY to their share disk.

Worf:

Feeding ... no effect, Commander. It isn't getting through their shields.

Reicher:

Map it to alt.sex.graphics. Feed.

Worf:

Still no effect. Commander, they seem to be shielded against the entire alt.sex heirarchy!

Reicher:

Damn. Datum, see if you can find a back door.

Datum:

Searching ... Ah! I believe I have found one. The aquaria groups are virtually ignored. If I map it to them, modulating between sci.aquaria, rec.aquaria, alt.aquaria, rec.pests.aquaria, and rec.arts.startrek.aquaria, it just might thrash their system before they have a chance to vary offline the netnews connection.

Reicher:

Make it so.

F/X: Bells, whistles, external view of netnews blasting a big blue cube.

Jordo:

Commander, the heavy newsfeed is putting a serious load on our external ethernet.

Reicher:

Can you reroute it?

Jordo:

I'm workin' on it. Computer: Divide newsfeed between ether1 and ether2.

Worf:

Captain, the Borg have cut newsfeed for the entire aquaria hierarchy. They knew this was coming.

Weasely:

Captain, the Borg are opening a telnet session.:

Lecutis:

WE KNEW OF THIS PLAN. RESISTENCE IS FUTILE, NUMBER WJR101. PREPARE TO ESCORT US TO COORDINATES 101.000.00.1 UNIXNET.UNIX.NET!

Pause for dramatic tension. Borg ship leaves.

Back to the show, Reicher is talking to Admiral.

Admiral:

It's a terrible shame about Captain Puckard. He was the greatest programmer in the fleet. He knew gnu software inside/out. We'll miss him.

Reicher:

So he's to be considered dead?

Admiral:

If you were stuck in FULLSCREAM mode permanently, I'd consider you dead. It's a terrible shame. Commander Reicher, I promote you to SysAdmin of the Enterprise.

Reicher:

Thank you Admiral. Reicher out.

The bridge.

Worf:

Do you think we could design phasors to transmit ascii characters in modulated waves that could give BorgNet sysadmin headaches?

Datum:

I think so sir.

Reicher steps in.

Weasely:

We're coming up on UNIXNET.UNIX.NET sir. We seem to be approaching several destroyed structures.

Reicher:

Parking Lot 80, Student parking in Beaver, student parking on the streets, all destroyed by the Borg. When will it stop?

Troy:

(In disgust) And all to either make space for the BorgAdmins, or to improve the appearence of the universe.

Meeting room of the Enterprise.

Lt. Yarn:

Captain, I have an idea to get Puckard back. Instead of trying to fight our way in, why don't we just get the writers to be open-minded to the point of ridiculousness?

Datum:

She has a point sir. In the original Star Trek, they were many incidents in which Kirk and Spock, and probably the rest of the crew, shouldn't have survived. But through implausible plot twists, they always made it back alive.

Reicher:

But that was filmed back in 60's. People don't go for implausable plot twists anymore. That won't work in this series.

Weasely:

Excuse me sir, but may I point out how we cured Dr. Pulaski of the aging disease, by using the transporter to return her DNA structure to normal? Also, how that arrogant entity Q always goes away when we whup him, rather than smearing our sorry atoms all over the galaxy?

Reicher:

You have a good point. Do you think it can work?

Troy:

It has to, Sir. Patrick Stewart has publicly announced that the Puckard character will have a much more active role this season. Let's face it - he can't be killed in this episode. He has to come back.

Reicher:

Jordo, do you think you can work up something thourougly implausible?

Jordo:

It's worth a shot, Sir. I can always channel the transporter through the warp engines, then deflect the beam around a black hole which should send it through a time warp, thereby hitting the Borg vessel 4 hours ago, when their shields were down. We can also create minature cloaking devices for the away team, so the Borg can't see them. Meanwhile, we'll seperate the saucer section from from the main drive, because we haven't done that since the series pilot. That should keep them confused enough that they won't notice it when we grab Puckard. Deanna can then use her betazoid capabilities to form a vulcan mind meld with him, and with him distracted we can beam them back around the black hole to a time in the future. We'll then relink the ship, and when the Borg think we're running away, we'll actually be moving so that the ship's sickbay is in the exact location that the transporter beam will hit. They'll never know what hit them. (Takes a deep breath) How does that sound?

Reicher:

It sounded great. Would you mind running through it again?

Jordo:

Let's see. First, I channel the transporter ...

Reicher:

Never mind! Just do it.

Insert F/X here. Naturally, the plan works.

Later, in sickbay ...

Crusher:

Captain - all these Borg impliments ... We were wrong about their purpose. They don't join him to the Borg conciousness. Their main purpose is to cut him off from reality.

Datum:

That's the key, Sir. We haven't been able to beat the Borg collective conciousness becasue there IS no Borg conciousness. They are a bureaucracy of administrators who have a very poor concept of what's really going on in the world around them, and make official decisions based mostly on personal whims. Reality and facts don't phase them, because they can't SEE reality. Their only real connection is in the implimentation stage - once a decision is made, it gets carried out by all.

Jordo:

That would explain why they still use single-mainframe technology, even though network systems have been proven better. They simply can't see it.

Later, in Datum's lab.

Datum:

Now, all I have to do is link him through the transporter to my own positronic brain ...

Datum and O'Brien throw a mess of switches, then Datum hooks a pair of jumper cables to his ears and plugs them into a socket. F/X: Smoke comes out of Datum's ears and nostrils and he falls over.

Datum:

(Addressing Head Borg) Surely you must see what's going on under you ...

Price Gordon (the head Borg):

CAMPAIGN FOR BORG STATE. WE ARE GETTING LOTS OF MONEY TO HIRE MORE BORGS. WE NEED TO HIRE MORE BORGS TO CONTINUE THE CAMPAIGN.

Datum:

Yes, but why don't you retire so that a new committee could form to find a replacement for you thereby making even more Borgs?

Price Gordon:

YES, THAT IS GOOD EVEN FOR AN INFERIOR DROID SUCH AS YOURSELF. I SHALL APPOINT A REPLACEMENT HEAD BORG THAT UNDERSTANDS THE MEANING OF BORG STATE PHILOSOPHY: PROFIT.

SCENE: Borg ship command headquarters. The new head Borg walks up. It's obviously a modified Ferengi.

CRATIBIS:

I SHALL LEAD BORG STATE TO HIGHER LEVELS OF PROFIT.

Lucutis realizes what's going on and tries to use his IBM Plotter pen arm to destroy his Datum-switch connection to BorgNet. Datum stops him by disabling his caps-lock key.

Puckard:

Buy the Book. Buy the Book.

Troy:

That's not Lucitis. That's really Captain Puckard!

Datum:

I think he wants me to insert sub-commands to Borg Beurocracy to waste money on surplus unsellable Joe Paterno Auto-Biographies.

Jordo:

We can even insert a command for them to buy up all the marked down autographed editions!

Reicher:

Make it so.

Much beeping and ethernet traffic as the blinking lights on the side of Datum's console go on and off ...

Jordo:

It's working! Joe Paterno's Auto-Biography is putting the Borg administration to sleep!

Worf:

SysAdmin. The Borg ship is regenerating beurocracy as money pours into the Borg Bookstore on overpriced products. Bankruptcy of this Borg Branch Campus and loss of it's Alumni will occur any moment now.

Datum:

SysAdmin Reicher, the Borg ship could be useful for study. We could possibly retrain them to do useful things, like train the Borg Cops to solve real crimes instead of issue parking tickets.

Reicher:

Nahhhhh. Screw 'em.

Borg ship blows up as it loses it's land grant. The Enterprise disconnects just in time.

Later, in Captain Puckard's study ...

Reicher:

How much do you remember, sir?

Puckard:

10 PRINT 'HELLO' 20 GOTO 10