This page last updated 18 June 2000

Next Next Generation

by Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)
George W. Playdon III
16 January 1988

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Picard:

Personal log, Star Date 11.34.5. Wesley and I have beamed down to the Sixth Planet of the Ceti Alpha Six System. I have high hope that this will be a great place for people "Wesley's Age" to play on. That is why I have asked him to accompany me on this VITAL mission.

Wesley:

KKKHHHHAAAANNNNNN!!!

Khan:

Who is this little sh-t?

Picard:

Oh ... uh ... this is Captain ... er ... I mean Ensign Wesley of the USS Enterprise.

Khan:

I see. (Picks up Wesley by his shirt front) WHY ARE YOU HERE??

Picard:

Uh, kind sir, would you please put him down?

Khan:

This seems to bother you. WHY???

Picard:

Oh ... uh ... no reason. Never mind.

Khan:

That's what I thought. Let me introduce to you the only remaining indigenous life form that keeps this series going. Script writers.

Wesley:

NOOOOOO!!!!!

Picard:

Oh God, no!

Khan:

You see they enter through the households of millions of consumers and without them, you wouldn't have a job! As you can see ... not quite domesticated.

Enter Script Writer! - Bob

Bob:

Okay Khan, I'll take it from here.

Khan:

WHY?????

Bob:

Khan, pick your check up at the door now, thank you! Look, I can see that this is all my fault. I have been instructed by God ... er ... I mean Gene not to stray into originality, rather to stick with the old tried and true series of 25 years ago.

Picard:

Quick Wesley, I want you to get us out of this mess!

Khan:

(Whispers to script writer) Look the series is not over. All you have to do is put a Ceti eel into Wesley's ear and no more problem. And as for you, start writing original scripts!

Bob:

Original Scripts. What the hell do you mean Original Scripts?? Don't you realise the time and money we save going back through 25 year old reruns and copying line for line, word for word ...

Khan:

WHY????

Bob:

Oh Shut-Up Khan! (Flips open the communicator) Kirk are you getting all this?

Kirk:

(Voice on communicator) Right I am, Bob. Boy you are in a rut.

Spock:

(Voice on communicator) Spock here Bob. If I may say, logically speaking the logical idea would be to TRASH the kid and the series and try this one again Bob. You really created a bunch of garbage this time around. Obviously what we need now is a new team of script writers who are not afraid to come up with original ideas.

Bob:

Okay Spock, but what about this ... Wesley ... How can I deal with a Mozart that can do absolutely-everything-possible-and-always-be-right-about-everything?

Spock:

(Voice on communicator) That's your problem. Spock out.

Bob:

Okay ... fresh idea ... Okay, Khan come back in here! Okay. Wesley stand over there, yeah that's right, right next to that extra with the phaser. Good Boy. Now Khan, your next line will be "Die Weakling Fool", okay?

Khan:

WHY???

Bob:

THAT'S IT!! I QUIT!!! Gene, get down here and finish this d-mn thing.

Gene:

All right, Bob, pick your check up at the door

Gene:

Picard, call the ship. And I want you to surrender and turn all control over to the Betazoid, okay?

Picard:

Sure why not, Gene. Picard to Riker, I want all control of the USS Enterprise given to the Betazoid.

Riker:

(Voice on communicator) But Captain, I am your "Number 1" aren't I?

Picard:

Just a second ... (puts the communicator down) Gene?

Gene:

Yes, Picard, what is it?

Picard:

Riker's my "Number One" right?

Gene:

Boy. I can't imagine how I got someone as dumb as you! I should have left you on DUNE. When that was a complete flop I knew I was in for a real let down. How will I ever face the boys at Paramount?

Picard:

Riker, uh ... yes you are still my "Number 1". Let me talk to Diana Troi now okay?

Gene:

While your at it Riker, take one last smile at the camera and YOU can pick YOUR check up at the door. Bye now.

Riker:

(Voice on communicator) NOOO!!!!! I look great in front of the camera!

Gene:

CUT! Okay folks this is really enough. I remember back when I created all of this. Star Trek was MY IDEA ... MINE, MINE, MINE MINE MINE. Look what they've done to me! Wesleys and Picards and Betazoids ... look at this mess. How could they possibly come up with such ridiculous characters. Well this is IT! (Into communicator) Come in Troi.

Troi:

(Voice on communicator) Here Gene. Are you in great pain?

Gene:

God! I can't even get a simple feeling across to these people. YES I AM IN GREAT PAIN. Listen, I want you to tell the crew for me that I appreciate all that they have done ... if Yar gives you any trouble let her be the one to destroy the ship ... she'll appreciate it okay?

Troi:

(Voice on communicator) Gene, I feel resentment, anger, depression, annoyance, as if you are correcting a great mistake. I want you know that I FEEELLLL it too.

Gene:

Nice of you to CARE Troi. Pick your check up at the door! (Drops communicator) Wesley my boy, come here son. Wesley, I have leaned that 99.9% of the viewing audience is below the age of 12. That is why when the NEXT NEXT Generation comes out I want you to command it, okay?

Wesley:

GEEE GOLLY Mister Roddenberry that would be swell. You sure are the greatest Gene.

Gene:

I thought you'd like that. As for your crew, we'll have Buffy from BattleStar Galactica as your second in command, and Howdy Doody as your navigator.

Wesley:

Boy, I can't wait

Two weeks later.

Space, the Final Frontier ... These are the Voyages of Wesley and the NEXT NEXT Enterprise. It's ongoing useless (Mozart to the stars) mission to seek out things that nobody cares about and make them worse than they already are.