Star Trek Old and New

by Jay Smith 4 July 1990

Kirk:

(entering the bridge) Amazing. What did they do to my bridge?

Picard:

YOUR bridge, Admiral?

Kirk:

(contempt oozing) Sorry, Captain. It's a nice ship ... who's the white stiff?

Picard:

This is Lt. Commander Data.

McCoy:

Lord help us, they've made a better Vulcan.

Data:

Hardly, sir. I am an android.

McCoy:

Where's Spock? He's gotta see this.

Riker:

Admiral Kirk! It is an honor to meet you, sir ... I've studied your career since I was a cadet ...

Kirk:

Thank you, Commander.

Riker:

I particularly like the supplemental logs they published after your death ... the guide to babes in the Federation. I live by it.

Kirk:

Thank you, I think.

Picard:

Number One ...

Riker:

And the Kobayashi Maru solution ... fantastic. I tried it a little different, though. I seduced the programmer.

Picard:

NUMBER ONE ...

Kirk:

Put a cork in it, Baldy.

Picard:

Er, um ... (blushes pragmatically)

Scotty:

(entering bridge) Admiral! Didya see wat they've dun ta the bairns? I canna believe it! An there's a BLIND man runnin' the whole operation!

Picard:

That would be Lt. La Forge.

Spock:

Fascinating.

Kirk:

Mr Spock?

Spock:

I'm just having a look at this android, Admiral.

Data:

To be more precise: you are doing something I think is called "goosing" Please refrain from further ... ooch ...

Spock:

Fascinating.

Kirk:

Picard, we've got to talk ... the Klingon?

Picard:

Lt. Worf. A fine Officer.

Kirk:

Yeah. Not exactly a bantu female, but ... listen. I can't help but be alarmed ...

Picard:

By?

Kirk:

A blind man as Chief Engineer? A Klingon head of security? Who's the brat at the helm?

Picard:

Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher. (Crusher stands to rigid attention)

Kirk:

Interesting crew assortment, Captain. Who's your Chief Medical Officer? A Romulan Executioner?

On cue, Beverly Crusher enters the bridge.

Kirk:

Hellllooooo! (Hormones kick in)

Picard:

This is Dr. Beverly Crusher.

Kirk:

'Crusher'?

Picard:

Wesley's mother, yes.

Kirk:

FIne boy, that Wesley ...