Star Trek: A Primer for Children

by jenfun@cci.net.au

Hello, children. This is a cyber book. This cyber book will tell you all about Star Trek. This will teach you to answer people properly when they ask silly questions about Star Trek. Now, you won't have to punch silly people's lights out when they ask "Who's that guy who wears the funny glasses on 'The New Generation'?" Now you will be able to say "That man is Geordi La Forge, and that is called a VISOR. And the show is called 'The NEXT Generation'." And then you can punch them out.

See the Ship. It is a big ship. It is a very big ship. It is a very funny shaped ship. That is because Mister Roddenberry kept looking at all his pictures upside down. Including the drawings of his ships. Oh, dear.

See the man. The man is not sure what series of Star Trek he is supposed to be in. He is thinking. Think, man, think. The man remembers that he is supposed to be Captain. So that means he is in one of the first three series. But he still doesn't know which one. Oh, dear.

The man needs help. Help, children, help. The man remembers something else. He does not have very much hair. That does not help at all. Keep thinking, captain.

Does he drive a big ship called Enterprise? Yes. So that narrows it down to two series. Does he wear a toupee? No. So his name must be Captain Picard, and he must be on The Next Generation. At least he hopes so. He would find it hard to get back to 1966, now.

See the first officer. The first officer is called Will. The first officer is like a foreman. He stands around and yells "Red Alert!" Yell, Will, yell. What does Red Alert mean, children? It's a good thing you know. Because Will doesn't.

See the empath. The empath is called Deanna. Deanna is pretty. The first officer likes Deanna. Deanna likes the big security man. Who's going to win Deanna, children? The writers are pouring on the dramatic tension. Pour, writers, pour. Not that it matters, anyway. The big security man is moving somewhere else to marry the pretty slug lady. So it's a good thing Deanna likes Will, too. Which she does. I think.

See the android. THIS android is called Data. See the cat. The cat is called Spot. Spot is chewing Data's Sherlock Holmes costume. Data is cross. Oh, dear. Never get an android mad, children. Because they have a bad habit. They like to call big funny-looking Glass-entities to eat you and everyone else on your planet. And then they get their nice Starfleet brothers to agree with them and nearly destroy the Federation. So play nice.

See the doctor. The doctor is called Beverly. Beverly is pretty, too. Beverly likes the Captain. The Captain doesn't seem to have a clue. Or maybe he does, and is being a gentleman by ignoring her flirting. But why would he do that? Maybe he wants to marry someone else. But he hasn't yet. So Beverly can still hope. Hope, Beverly, hope.

See the engineer. The engineer is called Geordi. Geordi has a VISOR that lets him see. See, Geordi, see. Geordi sees lots of things. Geordi sees that the warp core is going to breach. Deanna wants to know what that means. Geordi says it will make the ship explode. Oh, dear. Geordi runs to fix the problem. Run, Geordi, run. Geordi sees lots of things. Geordi sees that he can't fix the warp core in time. Oh, dear.

See the KABOOM. The KABOOM used to be called the Enterprise. Now Mister Berman will have to build a space station. Build, Mister Berman, build. He wants to call the station "Deep Space Nine". He probably wants to call it that because it's far away from everything. But then why is there a planet called Bajor right next to it? And Mister Berman also wants to build another ship. Build, Mister Berman, build. He doesn't want to call this one Enterprise. No, no. Ships called Enterprise keep getting blown up in the movies. That gets expensive, and Paramount has to pay for new ships. Pay, Paramount, pay.

Mister Berman wants to call this ship Voyager. Which sounds fine. And Mister Berman's first idea for Voyager is to lose it. Lose it a long way away. Mister Berman is not thinking cost-effectively. Think, Mister Berman, think. Oh, well. Captain Janeway won't mind. At least, Mister Berman hopes so.