This page last updated 8 April 2003 This page last updated 8 April 2003
by Ray Besser
To be noted: I hope no one gets offended by this ... if so ... then I'll get offended! OK ... Copyrights. Star Trek is owned by Paramount. Yay! Family Guy is owned by Fox ... I think?
Janeway, Seven, Tuvok, Harry & B'elanna fizzle into existence on the doorstep of the Griffins. Tuvok & Harry immediately take tri-corder scans of the animated environment. Janeway looks frazzled while B'elanna and Seven fix their hair. Janeway approaches the mailbox with Harry behind her.
Tuvok approaches behind them with Seven & B'elanna.
Everybody looks oddly at her. She smiles and backs away from them.
Janeway takes Harry's tri-corder from him. The three women walk away towards the sidewalk. Harry fusses with a wrinkle in his pant leg and then approaches Tuvok.
Tuvok merely raises an eyebrow and then proceeds to knock on the Griffin's door. Who is it! A voice calls from within. Tuvok looks to Harry.
Door opens and Lois stands there in all her animated glory.
Chris approaches the door behind his shellshocked mother.
Meanwhile next door the threesome are not getting an answer on the door and they proceed to the next house. As they are walking they notice people seeing them and running indoors for safety.
Seven and B'elanna both stop and try to stare her down. The Captain merely ignores them, unphased by their futile attempt and proceeds to the door. Knock knock!
The door opens and we see Quagmire in his shiny silk robe looking ever so much the suave sexy studmuffin. (A reader in Waco vomits up his endocrine system)
Janeway punches him in the face and he falls backwards. Seven and B'elanna reach the door as Quagmire regains consciousness.
Quagmire shifts his head in approval as he is whisked away by Seven.
B'elanna & Janeway wonder where Seven has gone to. They look at each other and B'elanna proceeds to fidget with the telephone on the table beside the leather couch while the Captain checks in on Tuvok and Harry.
Janeway looks oddly at B'elanna who has somehow turned the phone into a Warp Plasma Manifold.
Janeway licks her lips while staring into nothing at all ... thinks to herself aloud, "I think the lil' twerp called me a bitch."
Janeway looks toward B'elanna again who has now turned the Warp Plasma Manifold into a gazelle.
There is a moments silence and once again Janeway stares into nothing at all. She then notices the giant fake vagina sitting on the coffee table.
Janeway's eyes flare and she tosses her head backwards forming the hairdo from Season 7.
There is a long silence again ... Janeway again looks towards B'elanna who has now turned the gazelle into Tony Blair and is bathing him in butter.
Janeways eyes go narrow.
B'elanna nods. Janeway & B'elanna proceed to the door and realize Seven is gone.
B'elanna looks blankly at her.
They shake their heads in agreement and proceed to leave.
Meanwhile, in the bedroom Seven appears to be bouncing on something. Since we can only see from the neck and up, there is nothing to see. Camera pans back to show she is bouncing on a what do you call those inflatable thingies that you bounced around on when you were like 4? Whatever they're called ... seems she assimilated Quagmire and he's all stitches beside her on the floor!
Back to Harry & Tuvok.
Tuvok gets up staggering to a seat next to Stewie and smacks Stewie's passed out head.
Tuvok smacks the sleeping Stewie's head again and this wakens the sleeping child.
Tuvok is suddenly restored to his old self.
Tuvok raises an eyebrow at the sober baby standing on the kitchen table.
The doorbell rings ... everybody quiets up. Harry quickly gets up as best as he can. But he is staggering. Nobody moves to open the door when it rings again.
Stewie jumps off the table and runs towards the living room jumping over the charred remains of his older brother and the unconscious body of his mother. He opens the door.
Stewie looks on and then smiles. B'elanna enters behind the Captain holding a phaser of her own.
Stewie proceeds to the kitchen. Janeway and B'elanna don't follow after him. Tuvok appears from the kitchen with a staggering Harry Kim trying to carry what is left of a garbled looking Meg Griffin.
Janeway points the phaser slowly down when suddenly Stewie jumps on Tuvok grabbing the security officers phaser and pointing it at his head.
Everyone in the room freezes ... except for Harry who drops Meg again.
Stewie tightly grasps the phaser to the Vulcan's head. Looking seriously crazy with his lidded eyes.
Tuvok grabs him and throws him out the large front window. Janeway looks shocked as Tuvok composes himself. They all cheer (WHEEEEEEE) while Harry again tries to compose the mess that is left of Meg on the carpet.
Meanwhile back on Voyager after somehow being rescued. Janeway, Chakotay, Tom, B'elanna, Neelix, The Doctor and Harry Kim ... who is still trying to compose Meg from the mess hall floor ... have a toast to friendship.
They all laugh ... Suddenly a fizzle of light appears on one of the tables and appears to be a borg Stewie ... carrying a compression phaser rifle.
Everyone reaches for their phasers but Stewie shoots first turning Harry into a fizzling column of air. Everyone backs down (as heart plucking sad music swells).
The crew gasps ... Janeway looks at Stewie and tries to outstare his lidded eyes.
Stewie starts to glow red hot and then he screams profanities only becoming of Mother Theresa.
Stewie tries to look away and remembers that he is somewhat smarter or so he thinks.
Janeway rings her finger under her uniform collar and then looks for comfort in her crew. They are still faced away. Only Tom turns when she speaks.
The beam bounces off the shield around Stewie's head and hits a crew men appearing at that moment in the mess hall. He vaporizes into nothing! Stewie then directs his attention at Tom who can't look away. The music stops for good.
Janeway turns to her crew who are still turned away with their arms covering their eyes. She turns around and then stares at Stewie once more.
The crew turns around and starts picking up the pieces and eating them. All except Janeway of course who stares at the crew crawling on the floors eating the gummy bears. She senses Stewie's eye attack once more focusing on her.
The crew feels the burn again and return to their previous positions as the stare battle escalates.
Janeway looks back at Stewie as Chakotay makes his way down in front of the Captain's legs. He opens up a lil' door into the Captain's stomach and puts his head in there and blows on her belly button. She giggles like a sailor getting fucked by Butch Cassidy. After he closes the small door, he returns to his previous position.
The crew looks at the Captain wondering the same thing. Janeway looks at Stewie intensely.
Her eyes explode in a neat special effect so amazing it would make Star Wars Episode II look like pencil crayon drawings. A blast of energy bursts from Janeway's eyes and shimmers the entire mess hall. Stewie is caught off guard but even had he been ready ... he'd still lose.
Janeway intensifies the glare to maximum intensity as a reader in Arizona bursts into flames. Stewie screams in horror. Still, Janeway intensifies the glare even impossibly more so that Neelix explodes and B'elanna's forehead ridges melt like taffy while more crewmen explode into flames. The Doctor sings opera and then he too explodes ... for some reason or other.
The copyright bursts into flames along with Elmo. .. soon Stewie is a puddle of goo on the table surface and Janeway is standing there with a charred Neelix, a human looking B'elanna (but looking more like the crypt keeper from Tales of The Crypt), a column of air that was once Harry, an outline of fine dust that was Tom and Chakotay turned into a pillar of salt. Oh yeahhh ... and a mile of unfurled Vulcan brains on the mess hall floor what was probably Tuvok. I'm pretty sure it was Tuvok ... since Vorik was in Engineering humping the Warp Plasma Manifolds.
Oddly enough ... the following week the crew is back and so are the many, many, many many many ... many ... many ... OK one more only ... many number of crewmen who were accidentally or intentionally singed, burned, horrifically disfigured, deformed, sex changed or vaporized in the mess hall on that day a week ago. So ... naturally this is where this ends. Oh wait ... one more thing.
Chakotay dives into Janeways red patch of ... tulips!? :)
And Tom dives right into Harry's pooper! :P
Oh yeah ... it should also be noted ... Seven of Nine didn't die ... Stewie lied. He poonched her and she didn't like it.