This page last updated 26 September 2002

Space ... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Boobyprize. Her two-and-a-half-season mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life, and new civilization, to split infinitives where no man - er, to boldly go, etc etc.

Captain's log. Stardate 8801.26. We continue to patrol the section of space known as "ver'n gechoy qwert'yui-op lukin goo bedu." The monotony of this patrol has been broken only by the discovery of a new planet, which we somehow missed on our previous seven passes through this area. We have reported this discovery to Stir Fleet command, and have been ordered to investigate.

Captain James T. Cute leaned back in his Lazor Boy command chair. "Mr. Skunk, what's our status?"

"We are in orbit around the planet as ordered, Captain," was the reply from the Vulgarian first officer. "We have begun sensor scans, but they are not conclusive at this time."

Cute made a decision. "I'm beaming down to have a look-see. Bunch of you guys come with me, ay?"

In the transporter room, the away team - er, landing party grouped. In addition to Captain Cute, Dr. Lennie "Moans" McCrotch, Ensign Gavel Wackov, Biologist Joanne (Honey) Bearre, and two goons from security were beaming down. Cute had left Skunk in charge of the Boobyprize, with strict orders not to begin redecorating. Beam down was being delayed, as Dr. McCrotch refused to step onto the transporter pad.

"Come on, Moans," chided the Captain. "It won't hurt you."

"'Won't hurt me'?" mimicked McCrotch. "Did you hear what happened to those two security goons in the last satire?"

"Chief Engineer Snott has deemed the transporter safe," shot back Cute.

"He's right, Doctor," put in Joanne (Honey) Bearre. "Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful ..."

With a little help from the two security goons, Cute got McCrotch onto the transporter pad. Within seconds, they were on the surface of the planet. Cute decided it would be best if the team split up. "Moans, you and Wackov head toward that large rock formation. You two security goons explore that cave over there. Be sure to scream when - er, I mean if you happen to get killed. Biologist Bearre and myself will be checking out this little grove of trees over here."

Cute had just begun his experiment in biology with Lt. Bearre when his communicator began bleeping. With a growl, he flipped it open. "What is it, Skunk? I told you never to call me here."

"I thought it would interest you to know that we have lost contact with the other members of the away - er, landing party," stated the Vulgarian cooly. "I would advise you to beam up immediately."

"I'm right in the middle of something right now," replied Cute. "I'll call you back in a few minutes. Cute out." And he went back to what he was doing before Skunk called.

He was interupted again, this time by Ensign Wackov. "Keptin, the two goons from security are dead, and Dr. McCrotch was beamed up by some unknown ship. I tried to call, but I couldn't get through."

"There must be something wrong with my communicator," said Cute, not wanting to admit that he had lost his again. "Let's go look for Moans. Hand me my pants."

Soon, the remainder of the landing party had beamed back aboard. Cute reported directly to the bridge, stopping only for a shower, a five course meal, and to get the cabin number of a cute female ensign. Upon arriving, he ordered Skunk to start looking for McCrotch.

"Captain, I have located Dr. McCrotch," he stated to the Captain. He had to state it again much louder, as Cute's snoring made it hard to be heard.

"Where is (yawn) he, Skunk?" asked the now fully (yawn) awake Cute.

"He appears to be aboard a Rambulin warship orbitting the planet 180 degrees away from us," was the answer.

"That ship has a cloaking device. How did you find it?"

"They left their headlights on."

Cute considered this for a few minutes. He came to a decision. "Since the Rambulins don't know we've discovered them yet, Mr. Skunk and I will beam aboard the Rambulin ship, find McCrotch, beam back, and then clear out of the area. Snotty, you have the conn."

Cute and Skunk rode the elevator - er, turbolift to the transporter room, stopping by the Armory to pick up a few fizzlers. As they were readying to beam out, Mr. Snott from the bridge called. "Just thought I'd wish ye luck, Cap'n," he said, "seein' as I dinna have many lines this episode."

Cute insisted upon setting the transporter co-ordinates himself, in spite of the strenuous objections of Mr. Skunk. "I'm the Captain, Skunk," he explained, "and our viewers expect me to do things for myself sometimes."

With a smug look, he activated the transporter. With an even smugger look, he materialized inside the Rambulin ship, right beside a very startled Moans. "Moans, I'm glad we found you," said Cute. "Gee, I thought they would have put you in the brig."

"They did," answered McCrotch. "Look behind you."

Cute turned in time to see two massive Rambulins entering the cell. The nearer one launched a roundhouse punch towards his face. Neatly blocking the blow with the point of his chin, Cute managed to take the guard out of action by falling on top of him. But, in spite of this supple infighting, he was captured and his fizzler was confiscated. He called to Moans for help bandaging the wounds he had acquired.

"Dammit, Jim!" moaned Moans, "I'm a doctor, not a - er, sorry. Sure, just hold still and this won't hurt a bit."

"That's what you said last time."

"And did it hurt?"

"Hell, yes it did! And why is it tha - wait a minute, where is he?"

"Where's who?" asked McCrotch, wondering about his friend's mental state.

"Skunk, he was supposed to beam over here with me."

Meanwhile, back on the Boobyprize, Skunk was completing a log entry: ... and Captain Cute then beamed himself over to the enemy vessel. I was to go with him, but I couldn't due to a ... um, er, a transporter malfunction. Yeah, that's the ticket. Since I am senior officer on board, I am assuming command.

Skunk was still rubbing his hands together and chuckling to himself when Lt. Uhorta at the communications console made a gagging noise. "Mr. Skunk," she choked, "we are receiving a transmission from the Rambulin ship."

"Put it on the big tv," ordered Skunk.

On the main viewer, a face took form. A face that everyone on the bridge recognized. Lt. Zulu at the helm was the first to find his voice. "Skunk, isn't that your girlfriend?"

Behind him, Skunk turned a pale green, and began to slowly slide out of his chair.

"So Skunk, we meet again," said the Rambulin female over the snub-space radio. "I have not forgiven you for stealing my cloaking device, but as you can see, I always carry a spare. I have your captain and your doctor, and I will kill them if you do not agree to beam over. You have two minutes to reply."

Just enough time for a station break, thought Skunk.

Captian's log. Stardate 8801.27. First office Skunk reporting. Captain James T. Cute and Doctor Lenny "Moans" McCrotch have been captured by the Rambulins. We have run into these particular Rambulins before. They demand that I beam over or they will kill their hostages.

On board the Rambulin ship, the Commander was questioning her captives. "What is your ship doing in Rambulin space?"

"We're not in Rambulin space," said Cute, irately. "We are in a neutral area of space set up by the treaty of ..."

McCrotch took this moment to butt in. "Jimmy, boy," he drawled, "that's what Ah've been tryin' to tell y'all. That treaty expired day afore yesterdey."

"What is your secret mission?!?" demanded the Rambulin Commander.

"Mission?" said Cute, beginning to wish it was time for another station break. "What mission?"

"Then you deny that you have infiltrated Rambulin space in an attempt to gain the secret of our new overhead cam device?" the Commander asked very nicely, honey dripping off her toungue onto the floor. The fizzler she had pointed at Cute's ample midsection (it was late in the season and those donuts had begun to catch up with him) compelled him to answer.

"Overhead cam device?" he wondered. "Overhead cam device... Can't say I've heard of it. What does it do?"

"Why it..." she began, then said "You won't fool me with those trick questions! Sign this confession or I'll throw you out an airlock in your underwear! Why, I'll make you so ..."

Her tirade was cut short by the entrance of her man-friday, T'Gar. "Mylady," he stated, "The Vulgarian has been beamed aboard."

With a few more threats, she left, leaving the interrogation to T'Gar. He had barely begun to froth at the mouth when the distinctive sound of a Fodderation transporter began. He grabbed for Cute and McCrotch, but was too late.

Back onboard the Boobyprize, the forms of Cute and McCrotch materialized on the transporter pad, along with T'Gar's right hand, which had a solid grip on Cute's shoulder. Cute was dumbfounded. "Snotty, how did you get us back?"

"No problem, sahr," stated Chief Engineer Monterey Snott. "When the Rambulins lowered their shields to beam aboard Mr. Skunk, I used the opportunity to get a transporter lock on ye."

"Good going, Snotty," complimented Cute. "Now get working on a way to get Skunk back so we can get out of here." Snott immediately took action. Grabbing a screwdriver, and drinking it quickly, he went to work on the transporter. Cute and McCrotch went to the bridge.

Onboard the Rambulin ship, Mr. Skunk and the Commander were locked in the Commander's quarters. Mr. Skunk was attempting to use the Vulgarian mindmelt to convince her he was not a spy. His long fingers probed and caressed, and after about twenty minutes moved up to her face to begin the mindmelt. But she wasn't buying it.

"So you're trying to tell me that the Fodderation has no interest in our new overhead cam device?" she asked.

"Why would we?" answered Skunk, "when we have Midas engines that go hummmmm. And it was only accidentally that we entered Rambulin spa-aay yie yee!"(And if you had a sexy Rambulin commander doing to you what she was doing to him, you would make strange noises, too. In any event this is a good time to see what's happening back on the Boobyprize.)

Back on the Boobyprize, Captain James T. Cute stumbled onto the bridge. "Lt. Uhorta, open a hailing frequency to Stir Fleet Command."

Uhorta worked her controls for a moment, then moved her hands up to the console to put the call through. She was without success. "Captain, the Rambulins are jamming our snub-space transmissions. I can't break through. I'm ... I'm ... Captain, I'm frightened."

The effect of this tearful admission would have been more dramatic if the last sentence had not been immediately repeated by practically every crewman of the bridge. Cute was not amused. "I am not amused," he stated. See, I told you he was not amused. But you didn't believe me. No, you had to go and ...

Back onboard the Rambulin vessel, Skunk had just incapacitated the Commander by using the Vulgarian nerve pinch. He quickly worked his way to the auxillary control room and deactivated the Rambulin shields. He was immediately beamed back aboard the Boobyprize, which used it's warped drive to get out of there fast. The Rambulin ship could not follow, as Skunk had criss-crossed it's sparkplug wires.

On the bridge of the Boobyprize, the cast had gathered for the obligatory 'end of the episode wrap-up' scene. "Mr. Snott," said Cute. "I still don't understand it. It was easy to locate McCrotch and me; we were the only two humans aboard a ship full of Rambulins. But how did you locate a Vulgarian?"

"It was simple," Snott answered, "once Dr. McCrotch reminded me of the key physiological difference between Vulgarians and Rambulins."

Cute looked expectantly at McCrotch. "Tell us, Moans," he commanded.

"Well," McCrotch drawled. "It's really very simple. Y'all see, Vulgarian ears point forward, and Rambulin ears point back..."

"So ..." prodded Cute.

"So," Snotty finished, "I just programmed in the standard Rambulin reading I was getting from the Rambulin ship, reversed the ears, pressed the 'slow beam in to heighten dramatic tension' button, and Mr. Skunk appeared."

"I'm afraid that's a little too treknical for me," admitted Cute. "I'll just have to take your word for it. Hmmm, I've been wondering about the Rambulins' new overhead cam device. Since they think it's so important, maybe we should go back and try to steal it. Do you think so?"

"NO!!!" was the resounding reply from around the bridge.

"Just a thought," Cute whined. "Mr. Zulu, ahead warped factor two."