Star Trek: The Saturday Morning Generation

Lewis@Ithaca 7 February 1989

"Space ... thuh finul fwontier ... dese aw thuh voyages of Stawship, Entahpwise. Its continwing mishun ... to expwore stwange wew wowlds ... "

That's today's word! WORLDS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

"Oo, that ensign makes me Furwious!"

"Hey look, it's the bridge! Hi bridge!"

"Hi Wes-lee!!"

"Ha-ha!" (Inane falsetto-ish laugh)

For the sake of sanity the rest of Picard's lines will be in unaccented English.

Picard:

Captain's Log, Stardate 5479 point 2. We are en route to the planet Uvelir to rescue the crew of the USS Reliant. The Reliant was attacked by Romulans four hours ago. Our ETA is ... (Picard looks up, frowns) Mr. Data? Yoo hoo, Commander ...

Data:

(from intercom) Nyah ... what's up, Jacques?

Picard:

I am Jacques Jacques Shelaque! I ... Oops, wrong character. Ha-ha-ha ... (Picard has momentary blurs from his usual balding, pudgy form resplendent in standard-issue Federation red-colored hunting clothes and hunting cap, to a short, hirsute Frenchman with a strong accent, and back again) Could you report to your station, please?

Data:

Not without an apology!

Picard:

Apology? For what?

Data:

(Sniffs tragically over the intercom) For using my last box of real carrots for carrot cake!

Heart rending sobs ensure hitherto unseen speakers drip with tears.

Picard:

Wait ... I ... OK OK, Mr. Data, I'm sorry I took your last box of carrots ... I didn't ...

Suddenly one of the seldom-seen doorways to the Bridge zips open and Data runs out, up to Picard still sitting in his seat, and plants a sloppy kiss on his forehead.

Data:

Thanks Jacques! But I still have another box where you'll never find them! (Laughs)

Picard:

(Face turns bright red from embarrassment and then anger) Ooooh, oooh, sometimes you make me FURIOUS Mr. Data! Now get to your post and compute our ETA to Uvelir. That's an order!

Data:

You can't make me, and I don't wanna! (He turns his back to Picard, crosses his arms, and walks away)

Picard:

Oh yeah?

Data:

Yeah!

Picard:

Oh yeah?!?

Data:

Yup. (He sits at the Ops station and starts nibbling on a hitherto unseen carrot)

Picard:

(Clenches his hat in anger) Right! (Of course sounds more like Wight than Right. He uses the intercom again) Mr. Worf, report to the Bridge and teach Mr. Data some manners!

Worf:

(From intercom) Aye aye, Captain Sir!!!

About three seconds later, several explosions are heard from the bridge elevator. Then the doors blow open and Lt. Worf runs out in a cloud of thick dark smoke, waving two phasers over his head. He shoots them off at random a few times, blowing several of the surrounding stations to bits.

Worf:

I'm Lieutenant Worf, the rootenest, tootenist, baddest Klingon north, south, east, AND west of the Neutral Zone!!!

He shoots the phasers at the floor, which somehow propel him a foot in the air until he finally quits. He then holsters his weapons, snaps to attention, and sketches a firm salute to Picard. Fortunately Worf, Picard and Data - who was watching the whole scene slumped over the back of his seat - were the only ones in the Bridge at that time, or several other crew members might have been reduced to blackened outlines of their former selves by Worf's fire.