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Smart Trek II: The Wrath of Q

by Ken Kaufman (kaufman@gmuvax2.gmu.edu)
Copyright (c) 1993 by Ken Kaufman. Permission granted for non-profit duplication, transmission, etc. of this document or any part thereof (eg the commercials) provided that this message is included intact. Any other rebroadcast, reproduction or retransmission of this document without the express-written consent of Major League Baseball and/or myself is strictly prohibited, and may result in the termination of the unemployment of a lawyer or two.
16 February 1993

Bridge, Riker is in the Captain's Chair. Riker: Ship's log, Stardate 46103.7. We are on our way to the Delta Takei system with a shipload of mashed potatoes. We should be arriving within 18 hours.

Worf:

Sir, we are picking up a distress call from within Cardassian space.

Riker:

Put it on.

Worf:

It is a weak signal. We only have audio.

Voice:

... ship is ... no power at all ... life support fail ...

Riker:

Enough! Set a course for their signal.

Exterior shot of ship speeding through space, cut back to bridge.

Data:

We have been in Cardassian space for 12 minutes, 21.5394 seconds. Contact with the marooned ship ought to be possible.

Riker:

Transporter room, can we get the survivors yet?

O'Brien's voice:

Ready to transport on your signal, sir.

Riker:

Energise.

Worf:

Three Cardassian ships are appearing on sensors. We are being hailed.

Riker: Ship's log. The Cardassians are demanding our surrender. I refuse to give in.

Riker:

Ensign Ro, start Evasive Manoeuvre 4, and then punch in a course out of Cardassian space.

Ro:

Aye aye, sir.

Riker:

Begin evasive manoeuvre, (Everyone starts getting thrown back and forth) and out of here NOW! Warp 9.

NCC 1701-D streaks away, leaving the Cardassians in its wake.

Riker:

(Opening communicator channel) Riker to O'Brien, did we get all the survivors?

O'Brien:

Oh yes, but they're a bit weird looking.

Riker:

Never mind the weird, what ...

At this point, a leather-clad motorcyclist literally bursts through the door to the bridge. One shard from the door embeds itself in Worf's chest. An arc of electricity leaps from the door frame into Data's head, effectively putting him out of action. One unnamed redshirt explodes. Three other motorcyclists follow through in quick succession.

Biker 1:

OK, out you go, we're taking over the ship!

Ro:

Hey, you can't ... (gets run over).

Biker 2:

Oh yes we can!

The bridge is quickly a shambles, The bikers surround Riker.

Biker 1:

Take us away, warp 9.7, into Tholian space.

Riker:

Do what he says. For now. ungh. (Getting clubbed on the head during the last comment).

The big E zooms off. Then it starts shimmying.

Cut to engine room.

LaForge:

(To Bikers who've taken over there too) The ship can't take it. It's falling apart.

Biker:

Keep it moving ... keep it moving.

Pieces of the ship start breaking off. A biker is brained by a piece of debris. Cutting to the bridge, we see that that part of the ship is doing no better.

Picard's voice:

Computer, end program.

Suddenly, Riker, Worf, Data and Ro are getting up in a blank holodeck. Picard enters.

Picard:

Well, Number One, command is not always as routine as it seems.

Riker:

Captain, with all due respect, I don't think that was a fair simulation.

Picard:

Why not? The Kawasaki Marooned tests one's ability to keep control of different ship's functions at once. All your energy was put into dealing with the Cardassians; incidentally, well done escaping their clutches ...

Riker:

Thank you, sir.

Picard:

... but neither you nor Mr. Worf paid any attention to the issue of ship's security. During the crisis, most anything could have broken loose - and it did. As I feared, our security officers are lax in their training, do not think well for themselves, and have gotten trapped in the routine. I am therefore bringing in one of Starfleet's top security experts to get this ship's security team back into proper shape.

Worf:

Don't tell me it will be that Maxwell Smart again.

Picard:

That's exactly what I'm telling you.

Worf:

Sir, I asked you not to tell me that.

Picard: Captain's Log. We are approaching Starbase 86 where we will pick up Commander Smart.

Picard:

Riker take the conn, I'm going to meet Smart in the transporter room.

In the transporter room, once again two beam up instead of one. However, this time Smart is not accompanied on the transporter platform by Hymie, but by our old friend Q, who has, for reasons known only to him, decided to appear in the traditional manner. He is dressed identically to Smart.

Smart:

(Slowly and precisely) Commander Maxwell Smart reporting for duty.

Q:

(At the same time) Ah mon capitan, so good to see you. I heard you needed some help with ship's security. (He and Smart get a good look at one another).

Smart and Q:

(Simultaneously) Captain Picard, that is a very dangerous man. You should get him off the ship immediately.

Picard:

You know each other?

Q:

I ran into him while on assignment on your miserable little planet.

Smart:

He was a KAOS mole in the Federation government.

Q:

I was doing those Earthlings a favour, until he ruined it.

Smart:

He was ...

Picard:

Quite enough. We can sort this all out later. Right now, I'll get up to the bridge. Ensign Yumabelly, Show Commander Smart to his quarters.

Q:

What, no escort for me?

Picard:

(Angrily) You do not sleep. You don't carry possessions, you materialise them. Remember?

Q:

Ah, Jean-Luc, been taking temper lessons from Mr. Worf, I see.

Later in the conference room.

Picard: Captain's log. We have received an emergency subspace signal from Starfleet. The inhabitants of Kappa Entinel have been rocked by earthquakes that are ripping their planet apart. We have been ordered over there to provide medical help and to fuse the planet's crust before it disintegrates.

Crusher:

How bad is it?

Picard:

Unknown. An estimated 30,000 inhabitants have been killed ...

Crusher:

That's 15% of the population!

Data:

14.972096 ...

Picard:

Thank you, Mr. Data, and about 50,000 survivors are in serious need of medical attention. 87% of the planet's water supply is contaminated with thallium oxide, and the TV sets on the planet can pick up nothing but the Home Shopping Network and Ernest Goes to New New Jersey.

Troi:

That's awful!

LaForge:

I've been working on an antineutron ray that should be able to patch up the planet's crust, clean out the impurities in the water and provide a clear-channel broadcast of the Fox network.

Picard:

Make it so. (To Q who's been mirthfully watching the proceedings) What are you doing here?

Worf:

I will be happy to remove him, sir.

Q:

Remove me? Like you managed to remove the Styrofoam creatures of Paperthin IV? Like you managed to remove the goldfish of Gamma Glubglub? Or do you mean like you managed to remove most of your higher mental functions? Captain, noble as your relief efforts might be, I'm afraid that they will have to wait. I need the Enterprise to take a little trip for me. There's a little problem with our friends the Borg ...

Picard:

That is irrelevant! We need to get to Kappa Entinel immediately.

Q:

Nude photos of you and Vash ...

Picard:

(Into communicator) Security Chief Smart, report to the conference room on the double!

Picard: Captain's Log. In spite of my orders, Q has taken control of the ship's navigation, and is steering us toward Borg space.

Picard:

(To Smart) We need to get Q off this ship. Can you do it?

Smart:

I'm sure we can, but there is one thing.

Picard:

Yes?

Smart:

If we are going to discuss matters of ship's security, Starfleet regulations ...

Picard:

Not the Cone of Silence again!

Smart:

It's right there in the book. (Picard sighs and lowers Cone of Silence) Now the way I see things, Q ...

Picard:

What?

Smart:

The way I see things, Q is ...

Picard:

I still can't hear you!

Smart:

Huh?

Q:

(Looking in bemusedly at the two of them) He said, "The way I see things, Q is" before you cut him off.

Picard:

Thank you ... oh, get this thing up right now. (The Cone lifts properly for a change) I don't see how we can discuss this with Q looking over our shoulders.

Q:

Oh please, don't mind me.

Smart:

We can speak in a foreign language.

Picard:

Q is an accomplished multi-linguist.

Q:

Quite right. Swahili, Esperanto, Orion, COBOL, Hottentot ...

Smart:

How about Tamarian?

Q:

You've got to be kidding. Does anyone understand that?

Smart:

Aha! (Slowly) Morris the Cat at Baskin Robbins.

Picard:

The Squire of Gothos. Young and omnipotent.

Smart:

Larrabee in the Chief's office.

Picard:

The Metamucil bottle, empty and alone.

Smart:

The Craw in his lair, silent and full of venom.

Picard:

The Craw?

Smart:

No, not the Craw, the Craw!

Picard:

The Vice-Presidential debate - a hearing aid turned off.

Smart:

The brand-new Zamboni. Purple, with tanks full.

Picard:

Mary had a little lamb.

Smart:

A Klingon at birth. A ship on The Great Ocean. Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the conservatory.

Picard:

(Getting angry) We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

Smart:

Wile E. Coyote. A large package from ACME in his hands.

Picard:

The Singer repair shop. A call to duty!

Smart:

A great cyclops. A small cyclops. A knight in shining armour. (Gets up) Then it's settled.

Picard:

Yes. Just one question ... what in the world did we just say?

Picard: Captain's Log, supplemental. We are on a course for Borg space. Within a day, we will be reaching a point where it is too late to save Kappa Entinel.

Smart is alone on the observation deck. He goes to the window and taps out "shave and a haircut." The inverted upper body of Agent 13 lowers itself into the window's field of view, and he taps out the obligatory response.

Smart:

Agent 13, you're upside down.

Agent 13:

I was about to say the same about you, Max. Outside the ship here, we have no artificial gravity to worry about, so there is no upside-down. But inside, you guys have the gravity turned on the wrong way.

Smart:

And another thing, how do you breathe out there?

Agent 13:

Look, I have been fated to be folded, spindled and mutilated. I have worked out of mailboxes, lunch boxes, boom boxes and pillboxes. I have been in sarcophagi and oesophagi. I have had to live for days in a gas tank, in a tank of water, and up the gun barrel of a tank. I've been placid in a pool of acid and placed under second base. I've been stashed here; I've been cached there; I've darn near been stuffed everywhere. What does it matter - I've soaked in antimatter. So this is all child's play for me, Max, so say to yourself it's just my style, you should really just relax!

Smart:

And you should go into poetry. I am really impressed.

Agent 13:

Thank you.

Smart:

So any ideas on how we can get rid of this Q?

Agent 13:

How should I know? I'm stuck on the outside of this ship just barely hanging on, and you expect me to know what's going on inside?

Smart:

Well, I'm sorry.

Agent 13:

Actually, there's one thing I can tell you. A fellow who used to be a police informant is down on Deck 17. And he usually knows what's going on ...

 

Cut to Deck 17. A shoeshine stand is in the corridor. Smart comes up to it and sits down. A young man begins to shine his boots.

Smart:

So what's the word on the street, Johnny?

Johnny:

I don't know what you mean - I hear a lot of things.

Smart:

Well, what do you know about Q?

Johnny:

The seventeenth letter of the alphabet. Evolved from the Phoenician ...

Smart:

(Slipping him a 100-credit note) Q, the alien being on this ship.

Johnny:

Ah, Q. Omnipotent, arrogant, inexplicably pleased by the company of humans, particularly Picard. Likes to present problems and puzzles and watch us suffer, makes him feel superior.

Smart:

(Feeding Johnny another bill) Any Achilles heel?

Johnny:

Well, he does seem to be annoyed by Klingons.

Smart:

Thanks, Johnny, I think I can take it from here. (Exits).

Up comes Spot with a bill in his mouth. He drops it at Johnny's feet.

Spot:

Meeow?

Johnny:

There is a family of Bajoran field mice living on Deck 23 near the aft Jeffries tube. I think that should provide you with sufficient amusement. As for your second question, the ship's computer does not understand feline speech. However, you should be able to communicate with it via Morse Code. For instance, if you wanted a plate of shrimp garnished with catnip, you would stand near the food processor and tap or scratch out the following cadence ...

Sick Bay - Smart and Crusher are conversing.

Smart:

The first thing I need is a drug that can provide a temporary sharp drop in one's mental functions.

Crusher:

Funny you should mention that. I was just reading in the latest JFMA about how exposing a copy of Ronald Reagan's memoirs to Silverman rays produces a serum that has exactly that effect.

Smart:

That will be perfect. And if possible, I need it in a form which can be administered by phaser.

Crusher:

Phaser?

Smart:

Just trust me on this one. And I'll also need a large sample of Mr. Worf's DNA.

Crusher:

You can't be serious. Klingon DNA is a highly aggressive and dangerous molecule. One accident and someone can be affected strongly.

Smart:

That is exactly what I'm counting on.

Smart enters bridge, points phaser at Q.

Smart:

All right, Q, the game is up. Release control of the ship to the bridge crew.

Q:

You can't be serious. Do you expect to hurt me with that phaser?

Smart:

That's exactly what I expect to do. (Fires).

Q deflects the beam so that it hits Riker square in the chest. Instead of going down, Riker gets on his hands and knees, crawls up to Q and starts hugging his ankle.

Q:

Aw, Will, I never knew you cared.

LaForge enters the bridge. Smart fires again. Q forks the beam into LaForge, Data and Ro. LaForge approaches Q and speaks in fluent Pakled ...

LaForge:

You're ... smart. You ... make ... things ... go.

Data:

SYNTAX ERROR.

Ro:

Like I can't believe this. What am I doing in this ugly red outfit? And my nails! Oh God, they're too short. I am like so embarrassed.

Riker is starting to lick Q's foot. He doesn't seem to mind the kicks.

LaForge:

Yes, you're very ... smart.

Q:

What is going on? Will you all just get off of me?

Smart fires again; Q waves this one to Troi.

Data:

ILLEGAL CONTROL CARD.

Ro:

And I can't even remember Kira's telephone number. Do you know it?

Troi:

Have you ever considered the benefits of scientology?

LaForge:

Could .. you ... give me ... some things ... to make ... things go?

Data:

ADD 3 TO A GIVING B.

Q begins to catch on. As Smart fires, he instead dissipates the beam into nothingness. Four security officers enter the bridge. Smart tries to fire, fails, and reaches for the first thing to throw at Q. This, of course, is the large vial Dr. Crusher gave him. Q deflects this so that it splatters in front of the security team and gets on their uniforms. The four morph into Worf clones, snarl, and join the throng around Q.

Troi:

Perhaps I can interest you in what we call a pyramid scheme.

LaForge:

So ... smart.

Data:

HI. MY NAME IS BIFF. I LOOSED MY LIST OF NEWSGROUPS. WOTS THE REALLY COOL ONE?

Ro:

Oh, do you realise that like there's no ground below us? We're like up in the middle of the sky. And it isn't blue, it's just the most grotty shade of black ...

Security 1:

Grrrr!

Q:

Cut that out!

Troi:

So if you get three of your friends to give you a hundred credits, you would have, let's see. One hundred and one hundred is uh ...

Q:

This is not fun at all. Where is Captain Picard?

Picard:

(Entering and joining the mob triumphantly orates) Supply-side economics is the way to get higher productivity without high inflation. (Hits himself on the head with his flute) Yes, it is clear now that the benefits will trickle down to the masses.

LaForge:

Can you make us go?

Q:

Forget that, I'm going to go. I don't want to hear from you or your species for at least another dozen episodes. (He dematerialises).

Later, still on the bridge.

Picard: Captain's log. Relief efforts are underway at Kappa Entinel. Mental functions returned to the ship's crew in just a few hours. Dr. Crusher reports that the Klingon DNA loses its cohesion in the human bodies, and that the security team has returned to normal, perhaps with a bit more aggressive tendencies. Maxwell Smart has been working with the security teams and Commanders Riker and Worf and myself are pleased with the results.

Riker:

One thing I don't understand, Captain. I did not see you get hit with the stupidity ray. And yet ...

Picard:

... and yet you still don't see the point in my acting practices on the holodeck. Care to join me after our shift?