This page last updated 17 June 2000

Taming Wesley

by Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)
and George Playdon
BTW: This is my *last* parody ;-(
Hope you enjoyed the ones I have posted to date ;-)
28 January 1989
Kirk:
Ships Log, Star Date 120168.09. We have just met with a vessel from the future which claims to be our Enterprise from the year 1987. I spoke with a man named Picard and found that they used our old technique of The Light Speed Break Away Factor and traveled back into time. The only thing I could find that would justify their claim of being from the future is that they seem to know GOD ... er ... um ... Gene Roddenberry.
Kirk:
Ships status Mr. Sulu?
Sulu:
We are currently in a parking orbit around the NEW Enterprise. All decks reporting full alertness.
Uhura:
Message from The Other Enterprise, Captain. They are transporting someone aboard.
Kirk:
Transporting someone aboard ... that's highly irregular. (Hits the comm button) Transporter Room Come In!
Kyle:
Kyle here, Captain! I have someone beaming aboard right now! I can't seem to override it!
Uhura:
Captain! The Other Enterprise just went into Warp Speed!
Spock:
Affirmative Captain - they are leaving this sector at warp 8.9, too fast for us to overtake.
Kirk:
Well whatever it is they left us we're stuck with it. Come on Spock, we've got company.

 

In Transporter Control.

Wesley:
Hello, I'm Wesley Crusher!
Kirk:
You're who?? ... Spock who is this?
Wesley:
Don't let that stupid Vulcan answer your question! Boy, you people are out of it. You mean to tell me tell that neither of you have heard of the greatest mind of the 24th century?
Kirk:
No, this is the 23rd century you little twerp!
Wesley:
Don't call me that or I'll tell my mommy.
Kirk:
This is ridiculous. Kirk to Scotty, report to transporter control.
Scotty:
Aye Captain. It'll be a pleasure!
Spock:
Captain, if I might say, Wesley represents what they used to call in the 20th century an egotistical asshole, if you'll pardon my French.
Wesley:
French, did you say French? The captain of the New Enterprise is French, bald and a wimpy.
Kirk:
Yeah, right short stuff. Next you'll be telling me that Klingons are our friends and a female is in charge of security!
Wesley:
But of course, boy you are so stupid!

Enter Scotty.

Kirk:
Scotty - show Mr. Wesley here our agony booth ... er ... I mean the engineering section (winking). You know what to do with the lad.
Scotty:
Ay Captin, that I do. (With a Scotsman smile).
Uhura:
(On ship intercom) Captain, we have an unidentified vessel approaching at Warp 16.
Kirk:
But Uhura, no ship can travel that fast! Are you sure?
Uhura:
Confirmed Captain
Kirk:
Humm ... Ah Scotty take our new found friend down to engineering will you?
Scotty:
Ay Captin - come along laddie.

Wesley and Scott depart.

Spock:
Sir, you really should give him back.
Kirk:
Spock, they beamed him over to us, we can't just return him. Besides I hate pompous little brats.
Spock:
That seems logical, you just keep him away from my computer!
Kirk:
Agreed - for now we'll let Scotty handle 'im.

Kirk leaves for the bridge to talk to the approaching ship.

 

Cut to a corridor. Scotty stuns Wesley for no reason.

 

Cut to the bridge.

Picard:
Hello there, This is Picard. We would like to know if you have a (Crusher is crying in the background), do you mind Doctor, little visitor aboard by the name of 'Wesley'.
Kirk:
Wesley, uh noooo, I don't recall anybody by the name of Wesley. Anybody around here know a Wesley?
Crew:
No, not us. No.
Kirk:
No Wesley here, Picard.
Picard:
Look, I know he's there we beamed him over a while ago. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I was a little hasty, I apologize. I'm sure by now you have him in some torture chamber or something.
Kirk:
Never! My God Picard, what do you think we are.

 

Meanwhile down in enginering.

Wesley:
Ahhhhhhhh ... Noooooooo ... Stoooooppp!!!
Scotty:
More antimatter, Mr. Kyle.
Kyle:
I haven't had this much fun since I torched that Church back on Gamma IV.
Scotty:
Aye! Those were the days. (Smiling evilly) But now, back to our immediate business. TTTAAAAAALLLLKKKKKK!!! If you don't tell us what we want to know we'll beam you into a table.
Wesley:
OK. OK. what do you want to know!
Scotty:
Absolutely nothing. I Just love to see a little brat like you suffer. TTAAAAALLLLKKKKKK!!!!!
Kyle:
Gee golly Mr. Scott, you sure are being hard on 'im, I mean antimatter on his fingers is a little extreme don't you think? Why not try a leg now?
Scotty:
Ay, I believe you're right. You know Wesley, if I'm not watching the containment chamber real closely it might accidentally erupt all over you! Now that'd be a real shame wouldn't it? (Scotty puts his hands over his eyes and starts pushing buttons randomly).
Wesley:
AAHHHHHHHHHH ... NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!! I'll talk, I'll talk!
Scotty:
Oops, now I've done it ... darn. Well, I guess you still have one leg ... ha, ha. Well, Mr. Kyle, I guess we should probably try testing that new Laser Cutter we got yesterday.
Kyle:
Ay, I've got it heating right now! I figure 40,000 degrees is about right.

 

Back on the main bridge.

Picard:
Look Jim, I can call you Jim can't I.
Kirk:
No you can't.
Picard:
Uh ... OK. Captain, I am willing to give you what ever you want . Just name it!
Kirk:
Well first of all you can start by never, and I mean never come back to the 23rd century. 2) Stop using our 1960's scripts and converting them into modern day trash! 3) Lose the families. 4) Lose Troi 5) Stop this separation crud, it's a pussy thing to do. 6) ...

 

Back to the fun ...

Wesley:
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Scotty:
All right now Lad, the reason we are showing the engineering section is because you keep phasing out engineers like me. I canna believe that the grown ups in your century don't believe in explaining things to you like we CAN! Now Lad, will you ever be visiting us again in the near future?
Wesley:
Why you arrogant little %^$#%$, when I get back to the other Enterprise I'm gonna tell!! And you know what Picard will do to you when he finds out ... remember those people back in Justice? HA. They're going to beam me out of this any minute ... just you watch and see!
Scotty:
Don't count on it. Let's try some Radiation, My Kyle.
Kyle:
Gladly sir! (Hit's the Reactor Flood Button) Look, his hair is falling out sir! Doesn't he look funny?
Scotty:
Feeling a little tired Wesley? Your starting to smell up my engineering section. Let's hose him down with some reactor sludge, he he he. Boy, this really is fun!

 

Back to main bridge.

Kirk:
... 23) Make the Klingons enemies again. And finally get a hair piece.
Picard:
Make it so!
Kirk:
(Whispers to Sulu) Make it so, what a wimp. Kirk to Scotty!
Scotty:
Scott here, Captain.
Kirk:
Funs over, bring the brat to the bridge.
Scotty;
Five more minutes Capt. please that's all I ask!
Kirk:
OK, but only five minutes. But then again, I don't have a watch so I have no idea how long five minutes is, so best guess Scotty.(To viewscreen) He will be ready in a few minutes. Stand by.
Picard:
Now everybody look at that man ... he's a real Capt.
Riker:
But you made it possible sir. Damn I like you.
Picard:
Go suck a rock Riker!
Troi:
I sense ...
Picard:
Shut up you wench ... everybody just shut up.

Dr. Crusher is still crying.

 

Meanwhile, back at Scotty's torture room.

Scotty:
Let him out now laddie.
Kyle:
OK. Out you go boy. And don't touch a damn thing, you're still a little contaminated.
Wesley:
Yes sir. I won't sir. Thank you very much sir! Boy, you're the greatest, sirs!

They exit and head for the Bridge. Wesley is a little limp, but his missing leg is not that noticeable.

 

Scotty:
That's right laddie ... now tell the Capt. what you've learned.
Kirk:
Yes Wesley, do you have something to tell me?
Wesley:
Yes sir. Thank you sir! I would just like to say I'm sorry for being a Know-it-all-little-brat! And when I go back to Capt. Picard I will tell him all that I have learned ... especially common courtesy.
Kirk:
Scotty, what did you do? You've really turned this kid around.
Scotty:
Well ya see Captin, I was just showing the laddie the engineering system with some close up viewing and he lighted up right away, of course the glow didn't last very long, but he SAW THE LIGHT after awhile. I would suspect our little Einstein here will be a little more cooperative from here on, won't ya lad?
Wesley:
Oh yes sir, Mr. Scotty. I sure will!
Scotty:
Cause if you forget your trainin' in the near future your gonna set another tour of the engine room and won't that be fun?
Wesley:
Oh no, Mr. Scotty. I sure wouldn't want to ever bother you again because you're such a smart person and Kyle is too.

Wesley is beamed out. Though Scotty beams him a little further out into space by accident the first time, he does successfully get him on to the other Enterprise the second time ... barely ...

 

Wesley:
Mom, I'll go clean up my room. Do you have any dishes that need washing, or laundry?
Crusher:
But Wesley, don't you want to go navigate the ship? Or play in your laboratory?
Wesley:
Oh no, Mom. I am going to be where I belong with the other kids. Gee golly I hope you don't take me to the engine room!!

 

Back on the other Enterprise.

Kirk:
Good work men! Sulu, lay in a course for Alpha Centauri IX. Lets all GET LAID!!!

The Enterprise warps away at a high rate of speed. All's well in the galaxy.