This page last updated 28 March 1999
This page last updated 28 March 1999
by Steve Tonner (vt102@ac.dal.ca)
24 February 1992
"Captain's log, star date 3675.9. The Enterprise has been ordered to the Polaria cluster to investigate a strange rippling effect in time. If studies of this time disruption are successful, Starfleet intends to use it for research into historical matters and my revenge against Kirk for his little joke." Picard stabbed the log button with his thumb, noticing a tuft of fur under the button. "Those tribbles Kirk beamed over are still bugging me, even though they were all gotten rid of. If this plan works, Kirk will be VERY sorry," thought Picard to himself.
The Enterprise D would arrive at her destination in three hours.
"Captain's log, star date 1234.5. The Enterprise has been ordered to the Polaria cluster to investigate a rippling distortion in time itself. Mr Spock seems to think it could be a gateway that had to have been artificially created. As a personal aside, I am growing concerned about Spock. His attempts to use more personal speech forms have grown worse and worse since our encounter with the Enterprise D, and if this keeps up I will have to do something about it." Kirk stopped the recording on his log module and looked thoughtful. When they got to the cluster, things on the ship would relax, since they'd be hanging around the cluster for weeks researching it. Practical jokes are definitely going to increase, eventually getting out of hand. Kirk hoped he wouldn't have to stop things without resorting to disintegration. Just then, Spock screamed. All eyes turned to him. He was hopping around at his station, eyes wide.
"Spock! What is it? Are you all right?" Kirk asked. The last time this happened, it turned out to be a premonition of the Enterprise's salad bar malfunctioning.
"It is all right, captain. While I was scanning the cluster, my underwear seems to have been jerked upward, causing ..."
"Spock, Spock," Kirk interrupted. "Are you telling me you just got a wedgie? That's impossible. McCoy was nowhere near you. He isn't even on the bridge!" Kirk said.
"Not so, Jim!" said McCoy. Kirk watched amazed, as McCoy popped out of nothingness on the bridge. "Scotty was experimenting with the transporters, so I got him to beam my hand up here, to give Spock his little wedge-o-rama, then beam me up just after. Neat, huh?" McCoy was all smiles, breathing all over the bridge. The stink of alcohol was prominent.
"Doctor, have you been drinking?" asked Kirk.
"Ah, nooo, this is a new mouthwash. It's called 'eau d'ho.' Really classy, huh?"
"Doctor, as you know, assault on a superior officer is an offence." Spock said. "You must consider yourself under arrest ..."
"No way! I'm not under arrest! Besides the captain's my best friend! Isn't that right, Jimmy?" McCoy knew he would win this little one. Kirk agreed that some relaxing of regs was going to be done so this mission could be carried out more efficiently. He was moving up to talk to Spock, then shouted 'NOW!' and they both grabbed Spock. McCoy hypo'ed him, and he promptly fell to the floor, unconscious.
"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Kirk. McCoy nodded, and they carried him off the bridge. If the practical joke wars were going to start up on his ship, Kirk didn't want to be outclassed by a bunch of junior cadets. As they left the bridge, Kirk put Chekov in command, ignoring his comment that the art of practical joking was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad.
"We have arrived at the Polaria cluster, Captain," said Data.
"Excellent, commander. Begin standard scanning pattern 45," Picard ordered, smiling.
Data looked puzzled. "Captain, we do not have such an established scanning pattern."
"Data, don't you remember the update sent on scanning patterns from command?" Picard sounded concerned.
"No, sir, I do not. Perhaps my memory has not fully recovered from the damage done to it by That Sutteran, who blanked the crew's memory to take the Enterprise."
"Perhaps you are right, Data. Tell you what, just start pattern 23." Picard said this, then whispered to Riker, "Got 'im that time, pay up." Riker paid him. Picard had finally gotten Data flustered about something. There's hope yet.
"Course laid in and engaged, captain. At least I still have my memory of the things I did while I was under the effect of the ship wide memory blackout." said Ro, from the nav station. As she said this, she slyly glanced back at Riker, who winced at her look. She was going to have fun teasing him about last weeks episode.
"Sir, security reports a disturbance in ten-forward. It seems Mr. Data has consumed radioactive food and is acting strangely," Worf said.
"Contaminated food? How did it get contaminated?" asked Picard. Just then Wesley groaned.
"Sir," said Wes. "I think I had something to do with that. You see, I was doing an experiment for my energy dynamics class. I put a photon torpedo in the galley, to see the effects it would have when the crew was poisoned."
"You poisoned the crew, for an experiment?!" Picard screamed. When Wes nodded, Picard gave him a good slap to the head. Then he pushed Wes out of his seat, and punched him, laying him out on the floor. Picard started kicking him, and soon Riker joined in. Pretty soon everyone was having fun dancing on Wesley's body, and Riker was just tying the noose when he remembered Data. He told Worf to follow him to ten-forward, where the security report said Data was.
When they got there, Riker said to Worf, "Was there any report of just what Data was doing?"
"No sir. It said he was not behaving dangerously, just oddly." Worf looked disappointed, and Riker picked up on it.
"Don't worry, Worf. I'm sure you'll be able to shoot at something before this is over." Worf visibly cheered up at this, and they went through the doors.
"Hooo-kay, boyeee, get this!" Data said as he jumped across the room to the crowd of terrified people and hugged the nearest woman to him. "I'm so sad. But you love me, right?" Data asked her. She nodded, and glanced over at Riker and Worf. Data noticed them, and ran over. "Hi!" he said. "I love you both. Sit down and tell me strange things that start with an 's'."
"Hmmm. On second thought, Worf, hose him."
"YES SIR!" Worf hadn't been this happy since the day his mother beat him silly for his birthday. He drew his phaser and zapped Data, who fell to the floor.
On the Enterprise A, things were progressing as normal. They had been examining the time anomaly, and nobody had even noticed that Spock was missing. Chekov was off the bridge, in engineering with Scotty.
"And then," said Chekov, "Kirk just takes meester Spock off the bridge, and McCoy with heem. I hawen't seen heem seence."
"Don't worry, son. Spock is like a corpse in a river. He may disappear, and someone may worry, but he'll pop up sooner or later, and everyone will forget him," Scott said. It was at times like these that Scott was glad he picked up that wise sayings book in Regulus.
"But meester Scott, aren't you vorried about him?" Chekov asked.
"Not at all. It was probably just a practical joke. Now get ready, the camera's about to start." He pointed to a vidcam set up, aimed at them on the couch. When the red light came on, that meant they were live, being broadcast to every planet in the federation. As the free access subspace channel ad was on, Scott took his guitar and got ready. Chekov did the same with his drumsticks. When the announcement was over, they screamed "Pavel's world, Pavel's world, Party on Pavel, Party on Monty." Their latest episode had begun.
Spock woke up in a turbo lift. Looking around, he started to remember what had led up to this situation. He was wondering about the value of just knocking someone out and sticking them on a lift until he stood up. Kirk and McCoy had stripped him, and put him in a dress. Searching his pockets, Spock found only a quarter in one of them. As the turbo lift stopped, Spock looked at the doors and saw his reflection. They had put makeup on him. As the doors opened, the ensign who was talking to her friends stopped, looked at Spock, and passed out. The others cracked up laughing, and Spock walked past them, trying to hide his face. When he got to his quarters, they were locked, and he had to pick the lock with the quarter. Thirty minutes later he emerged, in proper uniform this time, and slipped into a service access way to plan his revenge.
The Enterprise D had just completed their survey of the time Anomaly. Therefore, the Red alert sounded just then.
"Bridge, this is Picard. What's the problem up there?"
"Captain, this is Riker. We were just finishing up the scans of the time ripples when one of them struck us. Data has recovered, and seems to think that we were transported through time somehow."
"Very well, number one. I'll be up shortly." Picard got out of bed, and put on his uniform.
"What's wrong, Jean-Luc?" asked Beverly Crusher.
"Probably nothing, Bev. Go back to sleep." Jean-Luc made a mental note to serve red max wine more often when they had dinner together.
As he arrived on the bridge, he had to tell everyone to get away from Mr. Worf's station, again. He went over to Worf. "Mr. Worf, just what is it that makes your station so interesting? I mean, there isn't even a ..." Then he noticed he could see down Troi's top, and grinned. He looked at Worf, and smiled. It looked like Worf was adapting to Starfleet after all.
Picard sat down in his chair. "Status, number one."
"Yes sir. We were enveloped in a piece from the time anomaly and the sensor maps changed. It would seem that we have travelled back in time roughly eighty years."
"Eighty years?" Picard asked.
"Yupperino, captain," Riker replied. "That means we're in the Enterprise A's time."
Picard smiled and gave the order to search for the Enterprise A, then glanced down. "Hasn't anybody removed Wesley's body yet?" Picard asked to the bridge in general. Worf stepped up to him, apologised, and promptly picked Wes up and tried stuffing him into the disposal chute. He wouldn't fit, so he just tossed him in Picard's ready-room.
Picard went to the door of the bridge washroom. "I'll be reading, Number one. Inform me as soon as we locate the Enterprise A." Picard was thirsty for his revenge.
But the Enterprise A found them first.
"Keptin, I am reading another star ship in the sector. Captain! it is the Enterprise D! they found us!" said Chekov from the science station.
"Red alert, raise shields," said Kirk. "Bring us around behind them."
When the Enterprise A was in position, Kirk asked, "Do they know we're back here yet?"
"No, Keptin," said Chekov.
"OK, then. Prepare a boarding party. I want full armaments. Uhura, pipe me through the ship."
"You're on, sir," Uhura said.
"Crew, this is the captain. We are sending a boarding party to try to capture the Enterprise D. Let's kick these guys friggin' ass, boiz!"
The boarding party gathered in the transporter room, and beamed over. Materialising on the bridge, Kirk, Chekov, and three security men drew their phasers and pointed them at the crew on the bridge of the Enterprise D. "All right, freeze! Everyone get back or we'll shoot!" said Kirk. The bridge crew complied, but Kirk noticed something. "Hey, where's Picard?" he asked.
"He's uh, gone. I don't know where." Riker said. He knew that if the captain wasn't captured, there may yet be hope.
"But commander, don't you remember? The captain went to the bathroom right over there," Worf said. Everyone in the Enterprise D's bridge crew moaned and slapped their foreheads. Worf looked around nervously. "Oops," he said. After Kirk had gotten Picard out of the bathroom, he surveyed them all.
"Well, Picard, looks like I win after all, don't I?" gloated Kirk. "OK, set phasers to kill. Let's blast them and take this ship," Kirk ordered the security men.
The men drew their phasers and aimed them at the bridge crew of the Enterprise D. They pulled the triggers on the phasers - and they fell apart in their hands. Nobody was more surprised than Kirk.
"Damnit!" He yelled. "Dribble phasers! This could only be the work of Spock!" Just then, Spock's face appeared on the view screen.
"Well, Jim, seems I have the upper hand." The screen blanked, and the Enterprise A fired her phasers, but against the Enterprise D's hull, all they did was put black marks across the flame job they had painted on at star base 54.
The screen came back on right after. Spock didn't look so pleased this time. "Ahhh, Captain, I must report myself for being bad. Sorry."
"Beam me back Spock." Kirk said. "This boarding party has failed."
"No way, Kirk. You tried to kill all of us. You won't get away with this," said Picard.
"Oh, yeah, sorry about that," said Kirk. "Guess I haven't been feeling that well lately."
"Never mind, you may leave," Picard said, then he whispered to Riker, "as soon as he is back on the Enterprise A, disable her warp drive and put her in a tractor beam."
Kirk and the rest of his men dissolved in the transporter beam. When they were gone, Picard yelled, "fire phasers! Disable them!" Two beams erupted from the saucer section, and cut the warp nacelles cleanly away from the Enterprise A.
"Now let's have some fun!" said Picard as the tractor beam locked on. He ordered a series of fast manoeuvres, heavy on the dips and rolls, until every single person on the Enterprise A was bazooka barfing at full pressure.
When Picard came up on the screen, which was covered with puke, he laughed.
"Well, Kirk. It would seem that your inertial dampener is not so powerful as ours is. Do you surrender?"
Kirk looked up from his chair's built-in puke receptor. "Fine Picard. Have it your way. We surrender." Just then the Enterprise A broke away from the tractor beam, to the amazement of the crews of both ships. The Enterprise A swung off and to the front of the Enterprise D on her impulse engines, and this time fired photon torpedoes. They struck the navigational array, and destroyed it. Kirk was frantically trying to figure out who was doing this, while Picard was trying frantically to raise his shields.
The Enterprise A fired again, and hit the warp engines. She lost her warp drive then, as well. While the bridge of the Enterprise D was in flames, Spock's picture again appeared on the view screen.
"Well, Picard. I knew you would try to take this ship once Kirk returned to it, but I took it back. You still have your superior weapons and can destroy this ship, but what will that avail you? Your navigational array is gone. You can go nowhere, even if you had your warp drive. There is nothing left for you but to return to your time through the time anomaly we are near, and call for help. You may have out raced us once, but I am the winner here."
Picard was flabbergasted. He was blown away. "Ahh, but, um, you see..." was all he could get out. Riker stepped in.
"Fine Spock, you win for now. But rest assured, you haven't seen the last of us." Riker cut the connection, and manoeuvred the Enterprise D back to her own time. "Fine," he thought to himself. "Score: D=1, A=1. But watch out for the tiebreaker."