The Totally Unnecessary Episode

by Ray Besser

Captain's Log:

Diagnostic work on the Gyrodine Coaxial thingamijig was completed over 3 hours ago and we are on our way to Mirbutt's Colony to pick up Wesley. I cannot stress enough the sheer amount of disregard I have for that little twerp. No doubt Consellor Troi has sensed my negative feelings for that insufferable braggart.

Worf:

We are approaching Mirbutt. We have an alpha priority communication from the Colony. (Looks at the Log entry) It's from Ensign Crusher.

The Captain's face turns even more disgusted.

Will:

What is he doing playing around with Alpha Priority ... (Picard cuts him off)

Picard:

Worf. Open a channel. I wish to talk to Wesley myself.

The viewer flicks from the approaching view of the planet to show Wesley's face. He is smirking so much that Troi's hair starts to squirm visibly.

Wesley:

Hello Captain. I just wanted to inform you that I have discovered a new means of propulsion for future starships.

Picard:

Is that so? I don't understand why you had to tamper with Alpha Priority channels to inform us of this.

Wesley:

(Rolls his eyes) Please ... I know everything about Starships. I could practically run that ship by myself. Even Troi would look useless at the helm.

Troi's hair falls out of her head. Nobody seems to notice though.

Wesley:

Oh ... Could you not inform my mother about this big news. I wish to do it myself.

Picard:

I don't think you'll have any problems there Wesl ... (Wesley cuts him off)

Wesley:

Actually that's Lt. Cmdr. Crusher now Captain.

Everybody is stunned. Will looks at the Captain.

Picard:

Since when? (Standing up)

Wesley:

Since this afternoon ... I promoted myself. Pretty soon I'll be an Admiral and will be ordering you around. (Laughs slightly while the crew looks pissed) Not that I don't already.

Picard:

Close the viewer. (Wesley's face disappears to be replaced by the planet on viewer)

Worf:

Captain there is an audio message.

Picard:

Who is it?

Worf:

(Sighing) Who else!?

The Captain looks bothered by Worf's attitude. Suddenly the viewer comes back on.

Wesley:

I don't appreciate being cut off during a conversation Captain. If you are not careful, you're liable to end up cleaning warp plasma coils on a waste disposal barge. (Smiling)

Data:

He has rerouted our channel relays from the network sensor array with some kind of portable terminal. I cannot lock him out.

Wesley:

Of course not. Like I said ... I know that ship inside out. It's unfortunate that your run of the Enterprise will be short lived. Anyway ... I am gathering some of my research that only took 12 hours. Beam me up in an hour. Oh and remember, don't tell my mother.

The screen goes back.

Worf:

(Putack)

Nobody says anything.

47 minutes later.

Captain's Log:

47 minutes have passed and almost every minute of it was painful due to Wesley's constant reminders to beam him up at 0600. I think I will do nicely to that boy today. Captain out.

Picard appears at the Transporter room and shushes out the Ensign assigned to the post. Picard begins tapping away at the controls. Suddenly Data alerts him of Wesley's summons.

Picard:

What is it Data?

Data:

Captain Crusher is apparently awaiting to be beamed aboard Captain.

Picard:

Captain Crush ... ??? (A moment of realization) Oh tell him to be ready.

Data looks over at Riker.

Data:

What is he doing in the Transporter room?

Meanwhile, Picard taps away and engages the transport.

Data:

Captain?

Picard:

Yes Data!

Data:

It appears you have disengaged the Transporter safety protocols.

Picard:

Yes indeed.

Data:

Why?

Picard:

Transport complete ...

Riker:

Captain?

Picard:

Am on my way to Ten Forward number one. What can I do for you?

Riker:

Oh nothing ... am just wondering about Wesl ...

Data:

Ah Commander. There is a level 5 emergency in Transporter room 2.

11 minutes later. Everybody from the Bridge crew is at the Transporter room staring in disbelief. Captain Picard is nowhere to be seen.

Data:

Odd ... This is a side of the Captain I have never seen before.

Geordi:

What do you mean?

Data:

Picard ... I never knew him to be ...

Riker:

Where is Beverly. How do we explain this to her.

Troi:

Is he breathing? (Staring in awe)

Barclay:

It's r-r-rather funny when you think about it.

Everybody looks at him, the transporter room doors open and Dr. Crusher appears. Her eyes grow to the size of saucers. She rushes over to Riker.

Beverly:

What is this???

Riker:

(Smirking) Captain's perogative.

Everybody laughs.

Beverly:

Jean Luc ... (Rushes out)

Geordi:

Oooh. Looks like he ain't getting any tonight.

They all laugh again. There is a brief silence as they stare at the sight before them. Finally after a long silence, Barclay speaks up.

Barclay:

Y-you know. There is one thing I always wanted to do but I couldn't see myself d-do doing it. (Looking at the crew)

Data:

What's that?

Barclay walks over to Wesley whose body is sticking out of the wall with his backside facing the crew.

Barclay:

This!!! (He kicks Wesley's ass)

Everybody gasps. Wesley tries to fight him off, but he looks hilarious trying to do so with his head inside the wall and bulkhead.

Troi:

Reg, that looks like fun. (Walks over and kicks Wesley)

Troi looks at the crew and invites them.

Troi:

I can sense all of you have been meaning to do this for years. Now's the chance.

Meanwhile at Ten Forward, Picard is drinking up some synthinol as Guinan looks on.

Guinan:

YOU DID WHAT? (Smiling from ear to ear)

Picard:

I took the Transporter safety protocols offline and beamed his head into the bulkhead.

Guinan laughs as people look on. Suddenly the doors to Ten Forward open and Dr. Crusher comes storming in. Guinan hides behind the bar counter as people back away. Beverly reaches her target and punches Picard on his shiny noggin. He grabs his forehead and gasps in a squeal.

Beverly:

HOW DARE YOU!!!

Picard dances around the room holding his forehead in agony.

Beverly:

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT'S GOING TO BE TO UN MERGE HIM FROM THAT BULKHEAD???

Picard:

(Laughing) Beverleee ... it was only a joke.

Beverly:

(Purses her lips) NO NOOKIE FOR YOU TONIGHT!!!

She storms out as others look on. Guinan emerges from behind the counter pouring a glass of Chateau Picard for her Captain.

Guinan:

(Laughing) Well ... you've finally done yourself in Captain.

Picard rubs his head.

Several boozeruns later.

Riker:

Umm ... Holy shit I'm drunk!!!

Worf:

(Slouching over the tactical controls) Who is driving?

Riker:

(Almost falling off the Captain's chair) DATA?!

Someguy:

DATA!!!

They see Data is absent. They then focus on Troi driving at the helm ...

Worf:

QUICK ... KILL HER!

Someguy aims his phaser but accidentally shoots the viewscreen.

Troi:

(Slurring) What the F... are you doing. Now I can't see where I was going.

Meanwhile at Ten Forward, Guinan is atop the bar counter dancing. She is drunk along with everyone in the room. Picard is moping beside her when she notices him.

Guinan:

C'mon Jean Luc, there is nothing better to do anyway.

Suddenly the ship jostles violently and Guinan goes flying across the room and smashing into the large windows. The air pressure goes out and several crewmen get sucked out into space. Picard clings onto the stool but losses his grip. He flies towards the large broken window seeing his end coming to pass. The forcefield reactivates and catches him before he is sucked out into space. He falls on the bulkhead along with a few survivors. The jostling stops and the comm buzzes.

Riker:

Is everybody alive?

Picard:

What the hell was that?

Riker:

Oh nothing ... Troi was driving again. Did anybody get hurt ...

Picard:

(Looks around) No ... Just me.

Meanwhile in sickbay. Beverly is gingerly working over her son whose head is embedded in a bulkhead with circuitry. Data is on hand to try and communicate with Wesley through the circuitry.

Data:

Doctor!

Beverly:

Yes Data?

Data:

I think I may have found a way to translate the bits of code the circuitry has been giving off.

Beverly:

Really! What does it say?

Data:

Well apparently Wesley has somehow been able to manipulate the inner circuitry to translate his pure thoughts. He says he feels slightly bothered by his condition but assures you that he will be alright.

Beverly:

Well tell him that I will find some way to restore him to his original state.

Data:

(Stares blankly) Hmm.

Beverly puts down the tool she was holding and stares at Data wondering what he meant by that.

Data:

I haven't been able to transcribe a proper sentence structure to relay the message, I have only just been able to decode his messages. Whatever I may transcribe will likely be gibberish to him Doctor.

Beverly:

(Sighing) Well ... never mind. We'll work on it later, just help me figure this out.

4 Hours later ...

Riker:

(Squinting) Holy Crap will somebody dim these damned lights ... Ughhh!

He notices that everybody is either on the floor or slouching over a console.

Riker:

Computer ... Dim lights to about 75%.

Computer:

Do it yourself... BEEEEYOOOTCH!

Riker:

(Getting up in anger) Why doncha c'mere and say that you WHORE!!!

Computer:

Commander Riker?

Riker:

(Pausing) YEAH!

Computer:

You have a small Penis!!!

Riker jumps up and begins attacking the console next to him ... Suddenly Worf awakens to the sound ... annoyed by the lights and noise.

Worf:

Computer dim the lights to 75%

Computer:

Lights dimmed. (The lights dim)

Riker stops and notices Worf going back to sleep. He waves to Worf and looks at the computer console.

Riker:

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Computer:

Please restate the question Commander Riker.

Riker:

WHY DID YOU RESPOND TO HIM!!! (Waving to Worf)

Computer:

His penis is bigger!

Riker:

(Snorts) Mine is quite acceptable.

There is a pause from the computer ... Riker's agitation returns.

Riker:

You don't believe me ... (he pulls down his dress pants and presses himself against the console)

Computer:

Please try again.

Riker:

What the f... (humps the console) See ... I'm quite a specimen.

There is a long silence as he pulls his dress pants back up. The snoring of the people around him along with the computer's silence gets to him.

Riker:

WELL???

Computer:

Unable to comply ... please try again.

Riker goes ballistic ... he rips off his dress pants and waves his penis around to every console within his reach.

Riker:

SEE THAT? BITCH!!!

Again ... silence prolongs and Riker stares at the blinking consoles. Suddenly at near death silence a snicker comes across the computer's voice. This soon turns into a full out belly laugh.

Riker:

(Screaming) ARRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! (Attacks the console nearest to him and smashes it)

Meanwhile, back at Ten Forward Picard is hitting on Vash.

Picard:

So behbee ... vill yoo be maa porcupine of luff?

Vash:

(Laughing) You are wasted ... I think you need some rest.

Picard:

Maabee I vill ... only ivv yull join me. I could be ... fery notty.

Vash smiles as she is tempted by the offer.

Suddenly Q appears in a flash.

Q:

Pff! Don't tell me you are falling for that crap? (Looking at Vash)

Picard:

What the hell are you doing here Quuuuuueuee.

Q:

Quiet you ... bone head! (Picard's forehead turns into a chalky white shade of bone)

Vash covers her mouth in amusement.

Q:

(Glances briefly at the anguished Captain) I always knew he was a horny old dog.

Vash:

Stop it! ... (Smacks Q's arm)

Picard's forehead returns to normal.

Picard:

Go away Q ... (Raises an eyebrow)

Q:

(Disgusted) Please ... the only nookie you ever get around here these days is Crusher.

Picard's face turns slightly red as Vash stares sharply at him.

Picard:

He is lying ...

Q:

C'mon ... face it. You're a one trick pony.

Picard:

I've had more than my share. (Adjusts his uniform trying to impress Vash)

Q:

Really ... like?

Vash stares at Picard for an answer.

Picard:

There was that Kelvan female Ambassador ... (smirks) She was quite beautiful.

Vash smiles and looks at Q for a comeback.

Q:

Pfff! Well ... that doesn't really count now does it?

Picard:

And why not?

Q:

That was me! (Winks at Picard who looks disgusted)

Vash covers her amusement.

Picard:

You're a liar Q.

Q:

Admit it Picard ... You knew it was me. To be quite honest ... most of the so called conquests you've come across were either me or created by me just to amuse myself.

Picard:

(Gags) Excuse me ... (Grabs a glass of water)

Q:

He's horribly lousy in bed. (Looking at Vash with pursed lips)

Vash:

And you're offering?

Q:

(Grabs her by the arm) Honestly ... how can I refuse.

Picard:

Hey just wait a damned minute.

Q:

Sorry Mon Ami Capitaine. (Vash & Q disappear)

Picard finds himself staring at an empty bar stool.

7 minutes later. Troi awakens to find the bridge dimly lit with some snoring filling the air. Suddenly she is alerted by the sound of a tactical alert from Worf's console. She reaches over to the console and presses the button. She notices the abundance of drool streaming from Worf's mouth.

Troi:

Computer, what is the Tactical alert?

Computer:

3 Romulan Warbirds are converging on our position.

Troi:

ETA?

Computer:

23 minutes.

Back in sickbay.

Data:

I have finally relayed the message to him Doctor.

Beverly:

Good! Now inform him that I have figured out a way to restore him using nanites.

Data:

I have.

Beverly:

Tell him there is a probability that it could leave him brain damaged by about 30%.

Data types in the message and reads the reply from Wesley.

Data:

He says he accepts that ... he says he'll fit in finally around here.

Beverly:

Here I go. (Approaches Wesley with a Hypospray)

She presses the hypospray to his exposed neck.

Beverly:

Monitor the nanites progress on the console Data.

Data complies and watches the percentage increase of the nanites progress.

Back on the Bridge. The Captain appears on the Turbolift and enters the dimly lit bridge.

Picard:

Computer ... restore lights to full. (The room lights up)

Picard approaches his chair and sees Will sprawled out on it with his pants missing.

Picard:

ATTENTION!!!

Troi:

You didn't need to do that Captain. I was the one who alerted you ...

Picard:

Worf ... WORF. (Worf sits up wiping his drool)

Worf:

Sorry Captain ... It appears there's been a leakage on my console.

Picard tries to shake Riker but he is unresponsive. He nudges him off the chair ... The Captain grabs Troi's fallen hair and wipes up the unmentionables on the seat.

Troi:

Captain! The Romulans are within range.

Worf:

They are armed and ready Captain.

Riker:

(Mumbling) F... me Roger ...

Everybody looks at him as he rolls around on the floor.

Picard:

What happened to the viewer?

Troi:

He (pointing to Someguy) Shot it with a phaser.

Picard:

Is it functional.

Troi:

Partially ... (presses a button and half the viewscreen shows the Romulan Warbirds decloaking)

Picard:

Where is Data?

Worf:

The Romulans are firing Captain. (Ship jostles)

Picard:

Shields?

Troi:

They are at 76% Captain.

Picard:

Give them all we got! Geordi!!!

Worf:

Ahh Captain ... we don't have any power for the phasers. There are only 2 Torpedoes left.

Picard:

(Looking forlorn) What?

Worf:

(Embarrassed) We ...

Troi:

We kinda bartered them for some Tiskiby Whiskey.

The ship jostles again. Suddenly the doors open and Data enters to assume the comm. Someguy goes over to a console to do nothing but look lively.

Worf:

I have fired our only torpedoes ... Power for the phasers is charging ... it will be finished in 5 hours.

Picard:

Geordi???

Troi:

Ahh ... Captain!

Picard:

What is it ... (Looks to Troi and then Worf)

Worf:

We ... kinda bartered Geordi as well as a good number of the engineering staff.

Someguy:

The Torpedoes disabled one of the Warbirds Captain. It's just the 2 left.

Picard:

We can outrun them ... engage engines.

Someguy:

Uhhh ... Captain.

Picard:

Never mind ... go to impulse and move us about.

The ship jostles again.

Data:

The Romulans are not responding to my hails.

Troi:

Shields are at 47% Captain.

Picard:

Worf ... transfer all available power from the phaser chargers to the shields. Data ... transfer all secondary Warp drive systems to Impulse ...

Worf:

Aye sir.

Data:

Aye sir.

The ship jostles again ... suddenly a console explodes where Someguy is standing. He falls dead beside Riker. The ship jostles again ...

Data:

Impulse is not responding Captain.

Worf:

There is a malfunction in the charger distribution relay Captain. I can't transfer the power to the shields.

Troi:

Shields are at 35% Captain. 3 more hits and we're dead.

Wesley appears from the turbolift restored.

Wesley:

What the heck is going on? (Coming over to where Picard is)

Troi:

Shields are at 21% Captain.

Wesley:

What the heck are you doing in my seat Picard!

Picard:

(Getting up) What the hell are you talking about.

Wesley:

I am Captain of this vessel now ... relinquish this seat before you kill everybody.

Worf:

Captain ... The charger is burnt out.

Picard:

Get off my BRIDGE WESLEY.

Wesley:

They want me here ... (Looking at everybody in the room)

Picard:

(Looks around) This is my crew ... I order you to leave immediately.

The ship jostles again violently.

Troi:

Our starboard nacelle has been damaged Captain.

Worf:

I'm detecting a high energy grade warhead on the bridge Captain.

Picard:

Where?

Worf:

It's emanating from Mr. Crusher!

Wesley looks at Data.

Wesley:

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT INTO MY HEAD?

Data:

It was the nanites Captain ... they converted most of his synaptic tissue into explosive material.

Troi:

Captain ... One more hit and we're dead.

Picard looks at Wesley ...

Picard:

Quick Worf ... beam Ensign Crusher into Torpedo launcher A.

Wesley vanishes in a blue light screaming like a girl.

Picard:

FIRE!!!

Worf presses the button and everybody watches on the partially functioning viewer as Wesley is finally used to good effect. The leading Warbird partially explodes and starts to spin, it collides with the other Warbird and disables it.

Troi:

We did it ...

Worf:

One of the Warbirds' is destroyed, the other 2 are in no shape for a fight Captain.

Data:

Curious ...

Beverly:

(Comm) Jean Luc ... is Wesley there?

Picard:

I'm so sorry Beverly ... Wesley is not with us.

Beverly:

What do you mean?

Picard:

He sacrificed himself ... for us all.

Beverly:

(Sobbing through the comm) Well ... I'm proud of him.

Picard covers his mouth trying to contain his amusement. The others except Data follow suit ...

Beverly:

(Still sobbing through the comm) Are you guys OK.

Picard:

Oh yes ... (Snickers) Picard out!

Riker:

(Mumbling) I love you. (Starts humping the floor beside Picard)

Picard looks at everybody and then at Worf.

Picard:

Worf.

Worf:

Aye Sir.

Troi looks worried.

On the Romulan's Viewscreen:

A shot fires from one of the Enterprise D's Torpedo launchers. The Romulans aboard brace for impact. The Captain of the vessel looks curiously at the object approaching the viewscreen. Soon he realizes it is not a torpedo at all. He approaches the viewer closer until he is face to face with it. Riker's penis comes smashing straight into the viewscreen.