The Death Star rolls into the Earth's solar system. As it passes the orbit of Jupiter, long-range sensors in Federation headquarters begin to sound.

The threat is recognized! Starfleet issues a priority-one alert, and every available ship is gathered for a fight!

The Empire opens its bay doors, and a swarm of small metallic fighters attack! Taking the defensive, Federation ships retaliate, but soon space is filled with chunks of metal debris and lots of excess component atoms. Just as all hope is lost, and the weakened (but still going strong) Empire heads towards Earth, the Enterprise appears!

With the ungodly creativeness of her captain, the NCC -1701-A performs manoeuvres unheard of in a Federation vessel. Photon torpedoes and phaser banks are fired, to various degrees of efficiency. The Death Star retaliates with a gigantic laser, containing energy readings "off the scale". Yet, despite taking several would-be deadly blows, the Enterprise still flies.

In total defiance of all laws of combat, the Death Star proceeds STRAIGHT for the Enterprise, with intent to run her over! Instead of fleeing, however, Captain James Kirk orders the release of her shuttle craft, each loaded with antimatter on kamikaze runs!

The attack is successful! Major hunks of the Death Star are blown away, and the battle station is threatened with destruction! However, before the Enterprise can complete its attack, off the perimeters of the battlefield appears a Cylon Battle Station!

The double-disc station remains aback, but hundreds of cold-blooded, lifeless spaceships pour forth. The Cylons lay a merciless attack on both sides, catching everyone by surprise. But before a victor can be determined, a Klingon/Romulan (they've decided to unite their forces and take advantage of this mess) fleet appears!

Not knowing the strength of this new threat, they pursue the logical plan, and attack the Cylons first. As the Death Star and the Enterprise, both too weak to participate and planning later attacks/strategies, watch on, the Cylons, Klingons, and Romulans continue a brand new, bloodthirsty battle!

Surrounding space is littered with bolts of energy, and fatalities mount up on all sides (except for the Cylons, who were never alive to begin with). But then a lone battlestar, leading a rag-tag fugitive fleet of ships, appears! It's the Battlestar Galactica, who have *finally* found their long-lost home planet of Earth!

But it's not peaches and cream, for they are suddenly surrounded and berated by the Cylons (hey, it *is* their primary function). The Klingons, Romulans, Empire, and Enterprise, completely misinterpreting the whole mess, start shooting each other blindly, and raising more chaos than ever before! Colonial vipers fight against Imperial TIES, who are in turn blasting Cylon fighters against Romulan Birds of Prey, who cloak themselves against the Enterprise as it pursues Klingon warships with antimatter- loaded shuttlecraft.

A burst of light catches everyone's attention! It's a stargate opening, and Buck Rogers flies through, attempting to restore order to all this! He fails miserably, and is struck by a stray laser, reduced to component atoms before he can even mutter a clever line ...

But wait! A gigantic metal humanoid form appears on the horizon! It's the SDF-1, and Macross jets/robots stream from its arms! As missiles are fired and bolts are blasted, alliances are quickly formed on the field of battle. The Zentratti appear, with their long, short, ugly green lumpy ships, and take potshots at anyone who appear to be even remotely allied with the Robotech pilots.

But then there is hope! The Rebel fleet, having completed their transwarp calculations, appear out of hyperspace! With uncanny mastery of the Force, and a quality script, they speedily and accurately fire upon everyone in sight! (Hey, they're the little guys, the gotta get paranoid). However, with the multitude of energies flying around, the hyperspacial portal tears a rift in space-time!

With a >pop< and a >poof<, Groo the Wanderer appears within the SDF-1! With the instincts of a mindless beast, Groo proceeds to destroy anyone with any shred of evidence aboard the robotic battlestation. Within a matter of minutes, he has devastated all central control, and is busy with a vat of artificial cheese-dip and watching the pretty fireworks outside.

The same energies that deposited the pants-less barbarian aboard the SDF-1 also managed to deposit Mighty Mouse aboard the Death Star. Despite his best efforts, however, the mouse cannot figure out who is "good" and who is "evil" (after all, cats are evil, but they're not here). He flies out into space, through one of the Death Star's many battle-infested breaches, and smashes his way through any and all ships firing in his general vicinity.

What a mess.

But wait! There's more! As the Klingons, Cylons, Robotech fighters, Romulans, Colonial Viper pilots, Imperial TIE fighters, Rebels, and the USS Enterprise attempt to make heads and tails out of everything (and firing randomly the whole time), a gigantic metal orb appears! It's Unicrom, the planet-eating robotic monstrosity, who dives straight for the Death Star, and devours it completely within minutes!

At least SOMEbody finally lost. However, before Unicrom can turn his attentions to the planet Earth, a small fiery humanoid female flies into place! It's Nova, and behind her is her master, the planet-ravaging immortal (?) Galactus! Among arguments of who should have gotten first dibs on the Death Star (which no one else can hear, since "in space no one can hear you scream"), Unicrom and Galactus go 1-on-1 in zero-gravity wrestling!

But there's hope! As every loose faction and unaccounted for member of pulp science-fiction, comic books, silly cartoons, and anything else appear, and tries to get mentioned here, a flash of blue blinks in the appearance of the NEXT Sta Trek Enterprise!

A green beam fires from the (very) ugly ship, engulfs the contestants, who promptly vanish in a puff of smoke! On the subspace radio, the next voice heard is the whine of Acting Admiral Wesley Crusher, who is giving a detailed analysis of how his Trans-warp Reality-Multiaxial dimensional Morgifier had calculated everyone's respective realities, and "fixed everything up real nice".

As the Federation expresses its thanks (wouldn't you?), a lone phone booth >plots!< into existence on the Enterprise's bridge. Stepping out of the booth, and onto the custom upholstered carpeting, a small chap with a long rainbow scarf and a Cockney accent speaks to young Wes about "we still haven't figured this all out. Do bring that Vader fellow and that Sergeant Kirk person here, and we'll have them resolve this right quick" ...

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P.S. Oh yes. The Klingon's Amigas promptly blow their disks to magnetic heaven, and the UNIX programmers on Earth station 3 (both of them) are baffled by the words "JDHIONAL RESISTALIC" appearing on their monitors ...