This page last updated 14 October 1999

Willie

by Leonard Bottleman (leonard@tekecs.TEK.COM)
9 October 1987

A friend of mine in LA knows this person who was visiting Paramount Studios when he found this script in the executive men's' room. On the cover sheet was scribbled I think we should go with this, Gene R. Sounds pretty authentic to me.

 

Special effects: Against a background of stars and nebulae, the Galaxy class ship Enterprise swiftly passes by the camera with an unrealistic, but aesthetically pleasing, swoosh!

The scene changes and the fiery glow of a RED ALERT warning fills the main bridge. Some of the crew look a little confused, because instead of the normal emergency klaxon, an old-earth fog horn is blowing with a roar that is deafening. Wesley Crusher is standing by a turbo-lift door, snickering to himself.

Picard:
(Looking annoyed) Captain's log: supplemental entry. I have asked Commander Data to take the necessary actions to reinstate an old navy tradition, keelhauling. Refer to my previous entries on throwing away a brilliant Starfleet career for momentary satisfaction.
Riker:
Data, give me the sensor readout for the ship that's closing with us.
Data:
The ship seems to run on a subspace, deutronium fuelled impulse drive. It is very small. The Enterprise has one to the sixty-third times its volume...
Riker:
(In an irritated tone) Data, one to any power is still one. I think you haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Data:
(His silver skin tone flushing to grey as he blushes in embarrassment) Uh, um ... let me explain warp speed to you. See, you take the speed of light ...
Worf:
Captain, the enemy vessel has fired on us!

Switch to close up of main view-screen, revealing, in addition to the usual background stars, a blob of light in the centre of the screen, and strands of webbing, which bear an uncanny resemblance to the special effects used in The Amazing Spiderman, streaming towards the view-screen.

Switch back to bridge. As the web engulfs the Enterprise, the bridge rolls back and forth, with crew members grabbing onto the railings for support as the lights flicker off and then on again.

Worf:
We've stopped, sir, but the alien vessel has vanished.
Yar:
Captain, I'm getting a report of a ship materialising in the shuttle craft bay.
Picard:
Riker, Yar, and Troi, go down to the shuttle bay and find out who these beings are, and what they want with us. If you need me, I'll be down in sick bay apologising to Doctor Crusher.

The three officers enter the turbo-lift, and Wesley follows them.

Riker:
(To the lift computer) Shuttle craft bay.

A moment or so passes before Riker realises the lift hasn't moved.

Riker:
(In a more forceful tone) Shuttle craft bay.
Computer:
No record of a shuttle craft bay onboard this vessel.
Riker:
(Really pissed now) Dammit! I know this ship has a shuttle bay - I heard it mentioned in the pilot episode - isn't it in the secondary hull?
Computer:
(In a snooty voice) There is NO shuttle craft bay listed for this ship.

Commander Yar intervenes in the conversation by performing a side kick to the lift computer. Her efforts are rewarded by a shower of sparks, and the lighting in the lift dims somewhat.

Yar:
There's nothing I hate more than insubordination!
Troi:
I feel a great anger and hostility directed at someone in this lift - no, wait - it's quickly changing to nausea ...
Wesley:
We can find the shuttle craft bay by tying in the ships sensors to the lift computer, and thereby calculating the exact co-ordinates of the bay by using a simple four dimensional trapezoidal transform.

As he explains, Wesley opens the lift access hatch and crosses two wires. The turbo lift whirr's to life, stops, and the doors slide open.

Computer:
Shuttle craft bay.

Smoke clears from the bay to reveal a grey, saucer shaped craft, which is supported by telescoping legs. A ramp descends between two of the legs, and down this ramp a small, foreboding figure slowly descends. Troi groans in pain, rolls her eyes up and doubles over onto the floor.

Riker:
What do you feel, Troi? Is it the intense pain of a loneliness known only to those who are condemned to roam the vastness of space for all eternity?
Troi:
No, it's just gas. Wesley reprogrammed the food synthesisers so they only make Mexican dishes.
Small foreboding figure:
You are all in great danger! Go back from whence you came.
Riker:
Wait a minute - I just happened to be reading about one of the first exploratory space vessel sent from earth. Your ship looks just like the Jupiter II, but that ship was launched with a family on board.
Small foreboding figure:
Yes, my ship is the Jupiter II. Many years ago we landed on a planet inhabited only by children. My father was the first to die, a particularly ugly youth snuck up behind him and with a bonk! bonk! killed him. Slowly, all of the other adults from our ship died of a strange disease.

An old, thin man looks out from the Jupiter II, gives a startled cry, and runs down the ramp.

Old Man:
Oh, Will Robinson, thank heavens you've found another ship - a ship with adults!
Will:
Dr. Smith ...
Riker:
Dr. Smith? I read that Dr. Smith was on the Jupiter II when it was launched. I thought you said all the adults from your ship died.
Will:
That's right.
Troi:
Oh, the pain! The pain!
Yar:
Hey kid, what did you mean by that comment about us being in danger?
Will:
The Jupiter II's sensors detected a fault in your matter/antimatter interflux regulator. I estimate that you have exactly three hours, twenty seven minutes, and thirteen seconds before the ship's power converters go critical.
Wesley:
Is that all?! I can fix that problem with my pseudo-hypertech converter corrector, which I built from a kit by Starfleet Shack. Of course, we'll have to tie it in with the ship's main power supply, making sure the power shifts are in phase when we do.

A large robot with a cylindrical torso, bubble head, and rubber booties mounted on a rolling truck rumbles down the spaceship's ramp and towards the group. The robot's accordion arms are fully extended and swinging up and down wildly.

Robot:
Danger, Will Robinson, danger!
Will:
Yes, Robot, I've already said that.
Robot:
You do not understand. This ship is not in danger, but this plot is! Once again, in an attempt to capture the prepubescent male viewing audience, the writers have resorted to the 'whiz kid' plot gimmick - the very same plot gimmick that doomed our series. Remember our first season? Dr. Smith was an evil meddler, I was a cold, ruthless robot, and you were an ordinary kid. But then your character was changed into the 'boy genius' stereotype, and I became your pal, and Dr. Smith became a whining nincompoop to contrast with your brilliance. The new episodes were all rehashes of the same theme
"boy genius saves the day". Oh, stop me Will, I'm waxing poetic.

Will reaches over to the robot and pulls a small circuit board from its side and drops the board to the floor. The lights in the robot's bubble-head go out, and it lists to one side.

Will:
You people are a bunch of stiff shirts! I was just trying to have some fun with the story line, but all you guys want is realism and consistency. I'm out of here.
Wesley:
Where are you going?
Will:
I'm meeting a friend of mine, Trelane, and we're gonna head over to Andromeda and egg any ships travelling through the intergalactic lanes. Why don't you leave these relics and join me.

Troi picks up the circuit board and plugs it back into the robot. The robot's lights come back on as it lifts itself up straight.

Yar:
Hey, big boy, have you been programmed to use those pinchers for pleasure?
Robot:
No, but I can shoot 250,000 volts of electricity through them.
Yar:
Ooh, would you care to join Commander Data and me in my quarters later on today for a little cybernetic frolic?

The two adolescents clamber onboard the Jupiter II, and it zips out of the shuttle bay - unfortunately, leaving a gaping hole in the shuttle bay doors, which had never been opened.

Riker:
(To Troi) What do you feel?
Troi:
I feel like a cheese burrito.

The scene slowly changes to the Enterprise moving away from the camera, as the rest of the crew laughs with what is suppose to be mild amusement, but is in fact, intense relief that their characters didn't end up with such a lame line.